America is a strange and fantastic place. We are afforded some of the greatest luxuries the world has to offer, and supposedly are allowed to say and do anything we want. Actually, no.
When it comes to sex laws, we are not anywhere close to the land of the free. In fact, The United States has more laws governing sex acts than all of Europe combined. Luckily, GetLusty's Andrew Ewald is here to demystify and tell you about the wacky things that you might not want to tell the police about.
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#1 Only Missionary
Place: Washington, D.C.
Who would've thought that having more than 'vanilla' sex would be considered illegal? In Washington, D.C., the only acceptable sexual position is the missionary position. No, I guess we should consider here for a moment. Does this law apply to politicians? Because they fuck people in the ass all the time.
#2 No rodeo sexPlace: Massachusetts
If you're a little kinky and want to get fresh at a rodeo in MA, we recommend against it. In Massachusetts rodeos, it's illegal to have sex with a rodeo clown in the presence of horses. It's not talking about bestiality (which is very uncool because it involves un-consensual sex so we're very against it), rather just having sex in front of the animals. Is this law meant to protect the clowns or the horses?
#4 Excessive police niceness about car sex
Place: Coeur D'Alene, Idaho
We never thought we'd add police niceness to the list but here it goes. In Coeur D'Alene, Idaho, it's safe to make love while in a parked car. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. If an officer is suspicious, he must drive up from behind, honk three times, and wait two minutes before getting out to investigate. With regard to most of the other laws that either make no sense or are offensive, this one is crazy because of it's sensibility and politeness.
#3 No habitual kissing with mustachesPlace: Indiana
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. So seriously, where di this law come from, anyway? Does Indiana have an out-of-control mustache problem? Some sort of kissing phobia? Do they film a lot of porn there? How do you qualify and register as a habitual kisser of humans? Are there mustache check points at random intersections?
#5 No tollbooth sex
Place: Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
It is illegal to have sex with a truck driver in a tollbooth. Don't laugh. Truck driver tollbooth sex (TDTS) causes massive traffic back-ups and costs the freight industry millions of dollars in lost revenue each year. Unless the TDTS problem is addressed head-on, we stand to lose a great deal more than just shipping revenue. This legislation aims to correct this deplorable threat to our economy.
#6 No wedding hunting
Place: Oblong, Illinois
It is punishable by law to have sex while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. I feel like the primary reason this activity is only illegal because of its difficulty level. Just imagine the skill required to handle two different types of tackle, several guns and a wedding dress! Very few people are such talented outdoorsmen and lovers.
#7 No corsets
Place: Merryville, Montana
Wearing a corset is illegal because, in the law's own words, "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the red-blooded American male."
It must be noted that in Norfolk, Virginia there is law in place enforcing the use of corsets for which there was even a civil-service job, reserved for men only, called a "corset inspector". The Merryville law seems like a step in a more progressive direction even though it seems aimed at protecting men's rights.
Place: Connersville, Wisconsin
It is against the law for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. This is the sort of law that gives people ideas. Not everyone thinks about bringing a gun into bed and firing off a few victory rounds. But when you put it on paper like that, Connersville, it sounds pretty exciting.
#9 No oral sex
Place: Missouri
Missouri is supposed to be, "The welfare of the people shall be the supreme law". At least according to its state motto. Not so much says GetLusty. It is illegal to engage in oral sex in Missouri. Why? We're not sure as oral sex is one of our favorite ways to start of sex. But don't get caught doing this 'indecent' act otherwise you could be at risk of persecution.
#10 No dick costumes
Place: Nevada
It is illegal for any member of the legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session. We cannot have the general public thinking that politicians are giant, walking erections. That would give people the wrong idea about government.
Andrew Ewald is a GetLusty writer who spends most of his time reading, writing, cooking, and watching RuPaul's Drag Race with his girlfriend.He graduated from Western Michigan University with a Bachelor's in in English. He might act like a square, but nothing is taboo with this character. Connect with him! E-mail him at andrew@getlusty.com.
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