10 Relationship Myths We Must "Whack Off"

Masturbation is a healthy and natural act of self-love. Stressed out? Masturbate! Feeling horny? Masturbate! We recommend both she and he masturbate. Since masturbation seems to be such a great way to release and improve on oneself, we thought it would be interesting to take the idea of masturbation to relationships. Jacsman, our favorite resident writer on long-term gay relationships, is here with advice on how to masturbate or "whack off" 10 relationship myths that keep us from growing closer and becoming more intimate with one another.

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Masturbation as metaphor

Masturbation’s impulsive pleasure is one of the most significant joys that we bring with us into our relationships. As we took our pleasure into our own hands before — “polishing-the-pearl” during tea break, or “whacking-it-off” while waiting for the midday news report to commence — within coupledom, we have this agency in our partnership satisfaction. When that opportunity comes up during the day, we are intentional: we whack-it-off and then proceed with the rest of our occupations. What better sense of achievement (in under fifteen minutes) is there?

Masturbation is essential to sustaining the hearty sexual satisfaction we need in ourselves to experience satisfaction in our lovers. So I have paramount agency in my psychosexual satisfaction, being dependent on your lover for such satisfaction is problematic. It is potentially unhealthy for your relationship, since creating and making demands of your lover on a daily basis will empty them out in no time at all.

Prioritize your love 

Only if partners have their personal psychosexual satisfactions firmly in hand can the prime achievement of coupledom intimacy contribute to lovers’ experience of commitment. There are of course gradations of intimacy, and these are comparatively opaque in gay relationships, perhaps not from within our partnerships, but particularly from the outside looking in.

Though we do not need to follow heterosexual touchstones, to the larger part of the LGBTQ community the intimacy markers of engagement, marriage, and parenthood that characterise the bond between heterosexual couples are out of reach. Lacking such socio-culturally recognized status can be a source of dubiety in a gay partnership, becoming problematic when it interferes with the expression of feelings in the relationship.

The commitment that continued sexual and emotional involvement might imply can remain ambiguous indefinitely. Instead of just whacking-it-off, sitting down and doing it, talking honestly and transparently about our options/expectations and identifying/prioritizing our intimacy goals, we put this important communication off and continue getting by on assumption. In particular, gay men can be scared off by the intensity of prioritizing intimacy in this way. I suspect it is because we are, at first, virgins to the deeply gratifying pleasure resulting from taking hold of the opportunity to communicate quite so honestly and just whacking-it-off, getting it done, and then persisting in doing it. Committing to it until it is habit.

Hopefully, it's clear by this point why I am riding this masturbation metaphor. Masturbation in my committed sexual relationship serves to ensure my pleasure, distance, and time apart from my lover to see to my agency in my personal psychosexual satisfaction. Prioritizing and habituating honesty, transparency, and the celebration of our authentic love for each other serves to ensure our deepest pleasure, our sincerest intimacy, and most precious anniversaries together. You’ll come to cherish this pleasure too and in any moment during your day!

Relationship myths

What gives me great pleasure to tell you is that by whacking-off your intimacy and partnership priority, you'll come to understand the truth of your commitment and the true pleasure of your relationship, sexual and otherwise. Just as most couples, we buy into at least one of the common, and dare I say heterosexual socio-cultural myths, that mislead us in our most important interpersonal relationship. After all, LGBTQ souls, in wonderment, integrated the same fairy tales all people share in collective consciousness: Prince Charming, the Sleeping Beauty, Brave Huntsman, the Wicked Stepmother, and need I even mention Happily Ever After?

In "The Heart of Love," John F. Demartini notes that American President John F. Kennedy once pointed out, “The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived, and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic”. Most valid here, his surety for realistic living is to stop enjoying “the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

Going beyond fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment makes it necessary for us to prioritize our love’s truth and transparency; once a couple is in the habit of eliminating this, the joy of emancipation from false relationship myths climaxes in most intense relationship intimacy, sexually or otherwise.

The 10 relationship myths to "whack-off"

Rubbing out the following ten myths can, in some cases very ironically, be the most poignant bonding experiences for gay couples:

#1 My relationship makes me happy

Nope, you make you happy.

#2 My soulmate completes me

You are a complete human being in and of yourself.

#3 A “real” relationship will last forever 

All relationships are real and all relationships last as long as it is real for the lovers.

#4 Once we overcome choppy waters it will be smooth sailing 

Afraid not; storms come and go.

#5 A good relationship requires sacrifice 

Think again. Fulfilling coupledom requires communication and understanding, not martyrdom.

#6 Great sex happens only at the beginning of a relationship

Ecstatic sex can be honed from mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy, all grown over time.

#7 In the right relationship, I won’t have to work at it 

Commitment requires continued practice.

#8 In a relationship, I’ll never feel lonely 

Your feelings are involuntary, your lover cannot rescind them.

#9 Children can validate our commitment 

Your commitment is not your child’s/children’s responsibility.

#10 Opposites attract

You are not a couple of fridge magnets.

When to "Whack-it-off"

Once rid of the delusions, it becomes a matter of rhythm how you whack-it-off. It is your dialogical business as lovers to nurture mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy with each other. The 21st century lifestyle doesn’t allow for too many of these engagements, and while there is no magic number appropriate for every relationship, I consider one or two times per month as the bare-assed minimum to sustain relationship development. Calendaring might sound too businesslike, but calendaring is proactive prioritization of both your lover and your relationship. Setting a date with your partner assures a night of potency on the docket, more often than not in both cases: emotional and orgasmic. Everything leading up to the date is effectively edging, until, together, you whack-it-off.

Even the most time strapped, communicatively challenged partners should never miss mandatory (birthday, anniversary, etc.) opportunities to prioritize their love and consideration for each other, when any excuse less than anaphylactic shock won't exempt a partner from duty to commitment and love. Also, create your practicable fairy tale by inventing your own "touchstone" moments.

In a future GetLusty post, I will arouse your imagination on how to recognize and lovingly carve out such mandatory opportunities to whittle on your intimacy communication. The best place to start however, is to get lusty for it and just whack-it-off. Just do it. Get Lusty endeavours to get couples there, whether straight or gay.

Develop and understand your relationship better; again, whether a gay or straight couple, turn the lust up for one another and subscribe to GetLusty. GetLusty guides us towards intimate understanding of our love for each other as we all aspire to nurture the kind of commitment that can sustain our souls. I’ll do near anything to help you get your lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well, do It safe.
Jacsman


He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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Are Gay Relationships Different?

Relationships, everyone can experience similar relationship issues. It doesn't matter if you're in a heterosexual relationship or a homosexual relationship, we are all human and we all deal with similar emotional issues. Here at GetLusty, we have discussed relationship issues like lying and cheating, using non-violent communication and talked about sex during marriage. We have even decoded the mysteries and stereotypes surrounding lesbian relationships. Here at GetLusty, we are trying to be more inclusive of all forms of sexual relationships. In this article, GetLusty's JacoPhillip Crous (Jacsman) gives us an insightful look into gay relationships and asks an important question - are gay relationships different from straight relationships?

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“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Assumption. I have bandied the word about before. It means to accept something as being true without any proof thereof. It seems to be one of the human condition’s most dominant traits. We love to assume things about others, and in many instances we do so arbitrarily and without real cause. We assume what people are thinking, or we assume what motivates their actions or words, and in some more surreal cases we assume what underlies their very feelings.

Many of us are good at assumption, especially if motivated by positive thought; “he cut me those roses from the garden, not because there were too many flowers on the bush, but because he loves me”. Unfortunately, not all assumptions are valid, and most of us haven’t reigned in this wildfire trait; “she always leaves her stockings and panties on the floor for me to pick up, surely she disrespects me, so clearly she doesn’t love me”. I did say wildfire.

The threat of assumption is twofold. It is reductionist; firstly, reducing people to an exaggerated inanimate trait or behaviour. Secondly, it germinates grand, often erroneous mythologies about people, lumping people, social groups and even cultures into stereotypes. These stereotypes then get woven into extravagant myths that too many people, cultures and societies allow to take on normative prevalence, whereby they weave biases and prejudices into interpersonal relationships – wildfire.

You and I live within a world where many of these myths do terrible harm. As with most out-groups or minorities, one trait is blown out of proportion, so that it is forgotten that they are basically human beings, trying to make a life for themselves in the same world, with the same legal and socio-cultural rights and status afforded to all.

Although the marriage equality debate in the United States of America is saturated by myths and legends, much is also clear to me. The issue of what civil rights and status to accord committed lesbian and gay couples will vex the USA (and many other countries for that matter) for years to come. Whilst South Africa was one of the first five countries in the world to constitutionally entrench equal rights for gay and lesbian members of society, it was not until recently that gay men and women have enjoyed full commitment equality in South Africa. This right was also hard fought, and was a direct result of court action by interested parties, as opposed to a self-motivated political or social adaption of equal rights. Therefore, socio-cultural as well as legal change is considered necessary to ensure this equality to prosper. Even still there are elements within that society that oppose such equality, believing it to be something outside of experience of same sex couples.

Notwithstanding this coequality provision in South African marriage law (2006), in too many ways socio-cultural regard is still plagued by myths and legends despite what legislation has attempted to provide. So, in the USA, although legislatures and courts will be involved in securing such equality, the role of civic awareness programs and even private initiatives cannot be understated. These will play the pivotal role in emancipation of gay men and women, much as it still does in South Africa.

For this reason it is of the utmost importance that we collectively and individually halt erroneous myths and deceptive rhetoric from spreading prejudicial and discriminatory cloud in 21st century civilisation. In forthcoming posts I will consider the following 6 truths revealed from considering the below myths about gay commitment, providing my own experience shared by gay men and women in committed relationships, living real lives out in the real world:

#1 Gay relationships don't last

I consider this one of the more tricky myths to dispel – scientifically speaking. Scarce research has been done into the longevity of committed gay partnerships and marriage. Here one must also understand that marriage is but one form of committed relationship, and as society itself has evolved, so has the nature of relationships. Many societies now recognise civil unions, and co-habitation arrangements as equally valid forms of long term relationships. The fact that the research that has been done in regards to the long term sustainability of such relationships is rather culture exclusive – meaning predominantly Western (European and Canadian data) – making the myth that gay relationships aren’t as real or long-lasting as heterosexual ones creates a real concern for those parents concerned about their gay sons and daughters. Furthermore, it perpetuates the gay-life-dissatisfaction and promiscuity myths that seem to pervade the blogosphere. Of real concern is that these myths and unfounded allegations are often used by some to undermine the validity of gay relationships.

Available research has found these myths to be untrue. Long-term studies of gay couples indicate that their commitment is just as enduring as straight pairings. "There is considerable evidence that both lesbians and gay men want to be in strong, committed relationships [and] are successful in creating these partnerships, despite difficulties created by social prejudice, stigma, and the lack of legal recognition for same-sex relationships in most parts of the U.S.," said UCLA psychologist Anne Peplau, co-author of a book chapter on the subject published in the 2007 Annual Review of Psychology.

Emeritus professor of psychology at University of Washington, John Gottman and his colleagues collected a data set spanning 12 years. About 20 % of the participating homosexual couples had separated in the dozen years. A rate that, projected over a 40-year period, is slightly lower than first marriage-divorce rates among heterosexual couples over the same time span. In the study published in the Journal of Homosexuality 2003, Gottman said:

"The overall implication of this research is that we have to shake off all of the stereotypes of homosexual relationships, and have more respect for them as committed relationships."

Most endearing to me about the knowledge gained from this research is its indications that gay couples tend to be better at resolving conflicts and encouraging positive emotions.

It should also be said, that like their straight counterparts, gay relationships suffer the same hardships endemic to most relationships. Finance, abandonment, lack of communication, to mention but a few of those factors, are not unique to straight couples, and have as much of an impact on gay couples.

#2 Gay parents aren't as good at being parents

Many detractors of gay commitment and gay parenting charge that same-sex parenting does some harm to kids. To grow up to be a healthy adult (ostensibly straight), a child needs both a father and a mother. Research, however, shows that children of gay parents tend to fare just fine.

Two studies were described in a literature review paper published in February 2010 in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Recently 90 teens, half living with female same-sex couples and the others with heterosexual couples, showed standard correlation. Teen boys in same-sex households had grade point averages of about 2.9, compared with 2.65 for their counterparts in heterosexual homes. Teen girls showed similar results, with a 2.8 for same-sex households and 2.9 for girls in heterosexual families.

Timothy Biblarz, a sociologist at the University of Southern California, found that kids with two moms or two dads were no more likely than their counterparts in "traditional" homes to engage in delinquent activities, such as damaging others’ property, shoplifting and getting into fights.

"The bottom line is that the science shows that children raised by two same-gender parents do as well on average as children raised by two different-gender parents . . . This is obviously inconsistent with the widespread claim that children must be raised by a mother and a father to do well," Biblarz said.

This question has also been addressed in many public hearings within the United States, and who can forget the heartfelt and impassioned speech of young Zach Wahls speaking in defence of his two lesbian mothers. His closing statement made for a powerful admonishment of this myth: “the sexual orientation of my parents has had zero effect on the content of my character”.

#3 Homosexuals never marry and they fear commitment

Can our assumptive nature be any more derivative? Homosexuals never marry, therefore, people who never marry are homosexual. For too many people it then follows that people who marry and have children, are presumed to be heterosexual.

Many homosexual people do marry (when allowed to do so) and have children. Likewise, many people who never marry are strictly heterosexual. With the significant effort we are investing, as a global community, in perusing coequality for all couples to have access to marriage, odds are that this myth will not matter as much. It is however, a perverse irony that historically the argument was made that same sex couples are not interested in the stability of marriage, and equally are not concerned with the raising of children.

For this reason they were considered less than their heterosexual counterparts, who were assumed instinctually interested in these things. Despite being an overstated generalisation both in terms of gay and straight relations, many gay and lesbian couples are actively fighting for the right to marry and raise children, with the exact opposite argument now being thrust upon them. More specifically, that same-sex marriages are not the same as heterosexual ones (which would somehow be undermined by allowing same sex marriage), and these relationships pose some (unproven) risk to children. Much like eating your cake and having it, and one cannot help but ask whether the true motivations behind these unproven, and dare I say destructive positions, is not merely prejudice with a good dose of ignorance?

#4 Recently the number of “queer relationships” has increased tremendously


There is no truth in this regard. The incidence of homosexuality has remained fairly constant, at least in the USA, since Alfred Kinsey’s comprehensive studies (1948, 1953) to more recent investigations done in the 1980s.

The visibility of gay and lesbian members of society, who have come out of the shadows and fought for the right to participate alongside the rest of society might be at the root of this false belief.

Our homosexual communities and gay relationships are far more visible now than they were previously, where in the past gay men and women were subject to crass abuse, imprisonment and intense judgment from society. With the gay liberation movement, more homosexuals as well as heterosexuals stopped keeping their “queer” preferences secret. Added to which, the de-criminalization of gay sexual activity and relationships, have gone a long way in providing the space for gay men and women to be far more outspoken than they have in the past. Of course many more gay men and women live “out of the closet” today. Yet in many country’s where such an evolution has not occurred, these men and women remain silent participants in that society, hidden from persecution and judgement, suffering oppression and self-denial .

#5 You can always tell relationship and sexual dynamics by the way partners each look or act

Gay couples surely imitate the status quo, and the assumption by many is that there needs be a “man” and a "woman” in committed sexual, emotional, and partnership. Gender polarity is not necessary for relationship success; and no, men who act in a feminine manner must be “the wife”, and masculine women with short haircuts and who don’t wear dresses, must be “the one who wears the pants in the house” 
is not the truth by far.

These stereotypes only apply to about 15% of male homosexual and 5% of lesbian relationships, and many would not be comfortable with these labels (“woman”, “butch” or “feminine”). Such stereotyping confuses sexual orientation (whether you are attracted to the same or opposite sex as sexual partners) with gender roles (exhibiting masculine or feminine behaviour).

We must be mindful that as the vast majority of gay relationships do not realistically live out these stereotypes. Except for their actual sexual activity or admitting their sexual preferences, there is no accurate way to judge someone's sexual orientation.

#6 If you are not heterosexual, you are homosexual

Rather finding people as polarised heterosexual or homosexual, Alfred Kinsey’s comprehensive studies (1948, 1953) found that many people have both heterosexual and homosexual feelings to varying degrees. Kinsey saw sexual orientation on a continuum. Ultimately Kinsey found that 50% of men and 28% of women had same-sex sexual experiences. Almost all of these people developed a heterosexual predilection. People become homosexual because they were sexually abused as children or there was a deficiency in sex-role modelling by their parents.

Many anti-gay rights proponents claim that homosexuality is a mental disorder caused by some psychological trauma or aberration in childhood. This argument is used to counter the common observation that no one, gay or straight, consciously chooses his or her sexual orientation. Joseph Nicolosi, a founder of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, said in 2009 that "if you traumatize a child in a particular way, you will create a homosexual condition."

Repeatedly Nicolosi has said, "Fathers, if you don't hug your sons, some other man will." A particularly nasty side effect of this argument is the demonization of parents of gay men and lesbians. They are made to wonder if they failed to protect a child against sexual abuse, or failed as role models in some important way. Many a gay child will attest to there parents reacting in this way to news of their sexual orientation. “What did I do to fail you are a parent?”, or “what did I do to make you this way?” are often said in response to the child “coming out” to them.

The truth is that to date no scientifically sound study has been conducted that has linked sexual orientation or identity with parental role-modelling or childhood sexual abuse.

The American Psychiatric Association noted in a 2000 fact sheet on gay, lesbian and bisexual issues that "no specific psychosocial or family dynamic cause for homosexuality has been identified, including histories of childhood sexual abuse." Gay people are more prone to mental instability and to abuse drugs and alcohol. It is true that LGBT people suffer higher rates of anxiety, depression, and depression-related illnesses and behaviours like alcohol and drug abuse than the general population. But studies done during the past 15 years have determined that it is the stress of being a member of a minority group in an often-hostile society — and not LGBT identity itself — that accounts for the higher levels of mental illness and drug use.

It has been my observation that gay men and lesbians that are in committed relationships experience significantly less psychic strain than single gay men and lesbians. I will further discuss this, and the foregoing seven realities of gay coupling and commitment in future GetLusty posts.

It would bring me great pleasure to dialogue with you on any sex-life issue you, or your relationship is facing. My goal here is to help our readers get to have the most lusty, sexy, satisfying, healthy relationship by offering tools for understanding your commitment to a healthyand sustainable relationship. Always my last word of advice...in all sexual and emotional endeavours.

Do It well; do It safe,
Jacsman

He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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Why Talk About Commitment

We always learn from JacoPhillip Crous, our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships. He is full of so much wisdom and advice when it comes to bettering our own long-term relationships through communication. Getting to know your partner's wants, needs and desires through effective communication and feedback improves our relationships. Communication and commitment are extremely important and having a consensual, committed relationship will not only lead to a healthier love life but you will also have a firm foundation to let your relationship grow.

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Actively communicate

Communication is the buzz word for most relationship counseling, whether it comes from your BFF or your very expensive couples therapist.  The language of love, sex, and relationships is always changing.  It is important to recognize that "communication" is not just a catch all word for making your relationship better. Communication is a means for people to address wants, needs and issues so we can be happier in our exploration of our selves.

Often times, one or both halves of a couple will decide they want to experience something new or to try something different. The problem is, what “new” or “different” means to one person may bear little or no resemblance to what it means to the next.  Even if you have developed your own couple’s-telepathy, lovers still need to actively communicate dialogue with feedback and explanation of meaning or emotion.

For example, when one person gets around to using the word "new" in a relationship, to the speaker “new” means something that they have probably thought of for a while, but haven't had the ability to express it to the other person.  The listener or recipient of the message may find the actual idea “new” because, until now they have probably not thought of it at all before or the couple hasn't spoken of the thought previously. For another couple, "new" can mean something that both the speaker and recipient have been thinking about, but neither partner had the means to articulate and initiate the conversation.  My advice is to explore your foundations of communication and commitment before adding the "new" or "different."

Understand where you and your partner are coming from

In a committed relationship, there are many aspects of communication that have to be addressed so that both partners can understand each other.  If either party doesn't understand their own needs, wants, and desires, holding a conversation about adding a new idea will be difficult.  Either party may not realize what they are consenting to or what is expected of them.  To use a metaphor, you have a very detailed treasure map for the island, but if you don't know where the island is located you won't get very far.  Understanding where both you and your partner are coming from is essential in communicating your ideas to each other.

So how do you figure out what you want, what you may get, what is wanted of you, and what you would consent to give?  Let's try to acknowledge that some of the psychobabble and self help literature doesn't give you straight up answers, again it gets lumped in with the word communication as if we inherently understand what that entails.

What is Alpha communication?

Alpha communication is a trusting communication motivated by care for one another. This is based on both partners being honest, real, and transparent with one another about your needs, wants, and desires to benefit your consensual commitment to each other. For some couples, this conversation is the proverbial deal breaker for the relationship; to what depths/heights of commitment are the two of you willing to consent to now. The relationship doesn’t need to accommodate any specific changes in the moment, but there must be consensus on the commitment capacity of your relationship.  Then you can start to add new strategies and approaches to be able to understand what each other is trying to say.

What are Alpha topics?

Consent to what are “Alpha-topics” for your particular partnership needs to be acknowledged and communicated clearly, here in the Alpha-conversation. This consent to your commitment is necessary if consensus is to be achieved in future communication on how such topics can be addressed and made practicable.  Consider this a framework for understanding the other person and where they are coming from.  It is like a foundation to a house being built.  Many of you probably have already spoken about some of these topics: ideas and feelings on marriage, children, religion, respect, lifestyle, and finances among other fundamental values.  Once you have expressed your concepts on these points and your belief structures, your partnership has a basis for understanding how to evolve and change through active communication.

If you’re not talking about the things that actually make partnership consensus and consensual commitment, you may as well consign your relationship commitment to an individual monologue.  Your message recipient will not understand nor be willing to actively listen.  There are an infinite number of websites and self help books out there that will tell you communication is key, but very few that explain how to get there.  Starting with these main ideologies and determining what "language" you and your partner are speaking will help guide the conversation and communication actively.

Relationships that dissolve supposedly because of “unrealistic expectations” in regards to Alpha topics such as the ones mentioned above, actually may have come apart anyway.  Getting real – honest and transparent – about consensual and commitment expectations in Alpha conversations may only accelerate dissolution because any impurities (dishonesty and nondisclosure) and flaws (insecurity and lack of transparency) that might be allowed to persist in your relationship, will only become more pronounced as you add more misunderstanding to the mix by adding secondary or new conversations.

For many other couples, Alpha conversation will only deepen and enrich the consensual relationship commitment you already have and enjoy. I am not saying saying it will always be smooth going, but knowing what you each want to maintain and what to develop in your relationship as you move forward will give you solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.  Even a little bit of time spent on self-examination here will help down the road when challenges come up. By confirming a consensual partnership foundation in Alpha conversation, and making sure you’re on the same page about the relationship, you’ll have smoother Beta (secondary) conversations leading to a more satisfying partnership and easier communication.

Regardless of your partnership, gay/straight, open/poly/monogamous, various power dynamic structures, clarifying your message and giving feedback to your partner based on an understanding of their communication style and language will assist in a healthier relationship.  We can all empower ourselves with the variety of information on communication via the Internet or knowledgeable professionals. But being able to assimilate and use that information appropriately is the difference between successful communication and eventually giving up and walking out the door.

Relationship example

Malcolm, 28, and Dean, 29, are a couple that has been in a relationship for the past three years.  Dean was committed to Malcolm yet felt that the traditional/straight model of monogamy as the marker for loyalty, commitment and fidelity didn’t match his experience. He wanted to be a cock-tease; able to flirt under his lover’s supervision, and sometimes, with the consent of Malcolm, bring such spoils home for both of them to share in.

Malcolm was somewhat open to this idea, but worried that Dean wasn’t really committed to him and was just using something “new” and “different” as a way to avoid commitment. Before encouraging them to explore “new” and “different” with anyone else, I spent some months with them helping the couple sort out how they felt about their own relationship as it stood, and what it meant in the life of each man in the here and now.  Forming a foundation for consensual commitment and understanding helped confirm the couple's relationship and gave them a basis for making the additional changes for a happier, healthier commitment to each other.

Each partner in Malcolm and Dean's relationship had to determine what the term "commitment" meant to himself.  Both examined how committed to the other he was and what level of commitment each had for the other.  They determined if they were in the "pre-commitment" stage of the conversation where they determined if they were in a long-term relationship, somewhere in the middle, or had something else completely.  To be on the same page to communicate effectively, Malcolm and Dean examined their own beliefs in the Alpha-conversation and had to be honest about what their need, wants, and desires were.

Ask yourself questions

Alpha conversation opens up a steady flow of considerations for you and your lover.  Communication starts with self-examination and understanding of where we are coming from and where our partners are coming from.  Some other questions we should ask ourselves when looking for effective communication in a relationship are:  What else is going on in our life? Do you have space and time to devote to exploring consensual commitment and sexual development in your relationship? How much time and energy are we willing to put into this exploration? How will we handle different levels of resources, energy, attention, etc. practicably, as a couple?

Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to keep your existing relationship (the romance and the friendship) healthy and thriving? Can you anticipate some of the challenges that might emerge ahead of time? Where do you see room for yourself to grow?

Do I know what makes my partner feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra attention on nurturing my existing relationship even as I make my way through the world? Where do I want to be sure to put that extra attention? Do I know what makes me feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra effort into self-care and self-discovery? What opportunities do I see for myself here?

This understanding of what a good foundation for communication of our commitment to our relationships, will be further explored in a later GetLusty article.  My goal here is to help our readers get the most lust, sexy, satisfying, healthy relationship by offering tools for understanding each other and learning to be on the same page in our communications.  My last word of advice...in all of our endeavors, do It well; do It safe. And GetLusty!

He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

Read more »