Couples! 5 Steps to Hotter Pillow Talk

Post-Christmas dinner, you may be thinking sex is out of the question. Not true! This is the perfect time to relax and have amazing marathon sex. And what better time to bring out your erotic talking skills? As we've podcasted about before, talking dirty is a wonderful skill to use in your bedroom! Thankfully, we've got even more insight from Sexologist Dr. Carlen Costa on getting started with this useful foreplay skill.

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When was the last time you had one of those sex sessions that was just so good you had to lock it in the spank bank? Memorable sexcapades can sometimes be few and far between which is why knowing how to get the most out of it and leave a lasting impression can be a challenge. Here’s a little tip: try sprinkling in a touch of dirty talk!

For some people, spicing it up with a little dirty talk has the ability to amp up an already seriously piquant sex-perience. Whether you’re handling your hook up or heavy petting with your partner, if you can find the confidence to either whisper something naughty in their ear or growl a little some kind of sexy-wonderful you are going to definitely get your pleasure pal’s attention.

Are you feeling confused and turned on all at the same time right now? Let me help you clear that up so you can get to practicing your dirty words in a less techno sex kind of way. Take a look at my 5 key tips to how to get down & get dirty talkin’.

#1 Know your dirty talk style


The reason why dirty talk is hot is because it’s already something different that you add to your sex play. The element of surprise is essentially already on your side. If you’re new to the dirty talk world, start simple. Dirty talk isn’t about being grimy. It can be naughty, saucy, spicy, and mild between the degrees of hard vs. soft styles.

Some of us are seasoned lovers and have our sexy toolboxes ready for any occasion, while some of us would just rather not. By using language that is at your comfort level you can ease into practicing your skills. Mastering dirty talk is like knowing that you don’t jump into the pool, you put your toe in first. By showing off that you know the 7 dirtiest words to not say on TV in the first few minutes of your encounter, you can come across as fake and demeaning thereby, killing the mood. Just be you and know your limitations.

#2 It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it


Whether you’re with a one night hook-up or your perma bed buddy, introducing dirty talk to your own sex files can be intimidating. With one night stands, it may be perceived that you have less to lose (other than your dignity). Some of my male friends informed me that a lot of “younger guys” get in there and do their thing and forget about what the other person wants.

They jump in for a show rather than an experience. Don’t get me wrong, everyone likes to mix it up and have a good time, but whether you’re feeling over confident or not at all, when it comes to dirty talk it’s all in the delivery. The tone of your voice, the speed of your words and your overall confidence can make all the difference. Sex can be weird, uncomfortable and awkward at times, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Showing that you can be real or really seductive is all in the delivery.

#3 No need to start off on the deep end


Great sex artists are masters of every sexy aspect from fashion to fellatio. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be. If dirty talk just doesn’t feel natural, don’t sweat it! Here’s the thing. As we grow, so do our desires. We evolve and crave change.

Being able to change it up in the bedroom is what keeps many of us feeling alive. But there’s no need to feel like you’re bringing a knife to a gun fight. The best way to impress someone between the sheets is just by being you and having a great time. If you’re lucky enough to get hot and heavy with a special someone I would focus more on providing them with ultimate physical pleasure than not-quite-thought-out dirty talk. Knowing you and your partners limits can ease any pressure from preconceived expectations. It’s all about having a great time with the other person and feeling pleasure… really, it’s that simple.

#4 Start small and work your way up

People often think that dirty talk has to be downright filthy to make an impression. Fortunately, it is au contraire. The moment feels right, things are getting hot and both of you are thrilled in embrace. If you’re feeling an urge to say something, then say what feels natural. Not what you saw in a porno, unless it legitimately turns you on. This isn’t an episode of “sexing with the stars,” and America is not voting based on your saucy talk skills.

Trying to be extreme just for the sake of it instead of sex playing based on the actual mood can kill the whole experience. If you want to amp it up a bit start with the small steps and see how your partner reacts. Try talking to them first and be sure to start where your comfort level is at or else it comes off as trying too hard (or too intense). It’s about being in sync with your partner and discovering the elements to elevating your sexual capacity together. Trying new things can be really fun, no matter who you’re playing with; just be sure you’re being real and not putting on a late night special.

#5 The pre-game: dirty talking in a digital age

Let’s face it. Social media and smart phones are the new norms of today. This means our methods of communication have expanded leaving quite a bit of room for our naughty natures to come to full bloom. Sexting, which is sending explicit messages to someone through a device such as a cell phone or online, is increasing in prevalence.

Sexting can also be used as a part of foreplay to ignite feelings of anticipation and raise the heat levels! Just remember to sext responsibly. Just because you can’t see the person doesn’t give you free reign to go to nasty town and lay out all your pervy desires. Be respectful of the person you’re talking to and recognize the limits. Remembering that once it’s out there texts, personal messages, instant messages or otherwise are digital and may come back to haunt you in the future… including those pics of your tasty bits. So be smart about how and to whom you’re exercising your digital love.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Carlen's Sexy Living Tumblr.

Speaking of talking dirty, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker'. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty.

Dr. Carlen Costa is pretty awesome. A resident of London, Ontario in Canada, she's making waves in London and beyond.

As a Sexologist, "Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen" is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others. Send me questions, send me your thoughts! Through this we will cater to all orientations, genders and age groups. We are all Sexy beings, and should feel as such in our own skins. Find Dr. Carlen on Twitter @DrCarlen and 'Like' her Facebook page.

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The Importance of Safewords

If our past articles on BDSM has raised some interest for you, then make sure your sex play experience is a safe one. Dominance and Submission can be pretty intimidating words, and acting them out has a very intense consequence. So be smart and know what precautions to take. Our local BDSM sex educator, Cherries Jubalie shares some safeword advice for you inexperienced masochists and sadists out there.

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What is a safeword?

Safewords are generally a verbal cue or code when playing in a BDSM scene or situation where the submissive, or "bottom", player needs to indicate the activity has to pause or stop.  There are two main theories of the importance of using safewords.  If you are playing by safe, sane and consensual standards in the kink community, a safeword of some type should be negotiated prior to play or entering into a lifestyle situation.  If you are playing RACK, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink, you may not be using safewords for some more extreme and intense sex play.

How, when and why use safewords?

People can be creative and come up with various verbal cues such as "George Bush" or "Red Hot Chili Pepper" to indicate when they have had enough activity, or need to get the complete attention of the "Top" [people who are playing with them.]  Some community standards for Safewords are the stoplight colors to communicate what state the submissive/bottom is in during a scene.  Red generally means stop or a pause when things are too intense or painful.  Sometimes Yellow is called out to let the Top know that the sub/bottom can take more but are reaching the stop level.  It really depends on the individuals playing and what they have determined to facilitate the sex play.  

People also use non-verbal Safewords in scenes, either in a situation where the sub/bottom is restrained or gagged and can not make a verbal cue.  I have had someone hand me a heavy Master Lock [yes the symbolism is rampant] and if I lost my grip or dropped deliberately the activity would pause.  The Top checked in with me to see if I needed something or was done.

For those people who don't scene or play with safewords there are several reasons for not using them.  Some types of Edgeplay make safewords impractical or the sex play can be unsatisfying for the participants.  If you were in a scene that involved a carefully executed abduction and mock sexual violation, having safewords may take all the fun out of it.  However, with that said, the participants have to agree on no safewords prior to the activities taking place.  There could be more than just consensual ramifications if one partner thought they were going to use safewords and the other did not.  Some of the ways people play in BDSM are at best a grey legal area.  Practicality suggests that having some form of communication and trust that the players all agree to is very important for kinky sex.

What should I do if someone doesn't respect my safeword?

This is a loaded question.  If you like a play partner and want to have a scene with him or her, proper negotiation is important no matter what the scene dynamics are.  If you meet with someone who declares they don't play with safewords and this is the first scene you are doing together, thoroughly self-examine your reasons for wanting to play with this person. Actively communicate your boundaries and have a back up plan such as a safe-call with a friend if you disappear for a few hours, or days.  

One of my recent relationships deepened to the point where we didn't use safewords because of our power dynamic.  I had to trust that he would see my limitations even as we both explored our boundaries.  When we played, we played hard and tragically after five years we had a massive miscommunication and violation of trust that ended the relationship.  As a bottom, it is important to note that it is our responsibility to communicate our limits regardless of whether you play with or without safewords.  That said, at anytime in the relationship, YOU can withdraw consent, but you have to let your partner know it.  The key here is appropriate communication regardless of the power dynamic in Sadism and Masochism, Dominance and Submission, and BDSM. 

I have been to events where respected members of the kink community failed to hear "Red" in a scene, and in one case, deliberately ignored it.  Now under the first circumstance, it could have been the adrenaline or the noise in the dungeon and gossip abounded, but the Dom (Tom) spoke with the play-partner after and apologized. After all, we are human and sometimes make mistakes.  On the second instance, the deliberate continuation was actually part of the scene where the Dom and the Sub agreed to not using the safeword and the bottom was trying to wiggle out of the deal by being a brat.  At this particular event a generalized "Camp Red" would mean that the player really did need the scene to stop, and the rules of the event decreed that all people in the vicinity would step in and see that the activity was stopped because some of the players were too intense.

In general, if you have a reputation as a play partner who does not respect safewords, you wont be getting much play once you have done that to a few people.  If you did use your safeword and the play partner did not heed it, my advice is to follow your instinct and contact professional help.  In public play dungeons, there are protocols to follow.  Contact a Dungeon Monitor or owner of the club and tell them what happened.  If it was a personal violation or distinct violation of consent, contact the proper authorities.  Most of all talk to the play partner and find out what happened.  It could be a miscommunication or a very real crime, but regardless of your status in the scene or relationship, you should always bring it to the attention of the appropriate party.  

Should it matter if we use safewords?

Of course it should matter.  Sex and sex play should be whatever you want it to be.  However, if you have limits or concerns there should be a means of communicating that to your partner.  The choice of using safewords is up to the individual, but before you plan an abduction scene you should play with people you trust and consider finding a means to let your partner know when the scene has gone as far as you want or need it to go.

We talk about "no" meaning NO and "stop" meaning STOP, but when the sex play gets going sometimes we really don't mean no or stop.  A running joke in the kink community is "Ow is not a safeword."  To be honest, for some people that may be considered one, but if we don't communicate that as our boundary to our partner then the sex play will not be fun for anyone.

Having been a Dungeon Monitor on many occasions, there have been instances in which I have had to go on instinct when I saw an intense scene.  As a Dungeon Monitor, I have to trust that things are okay regardless of how extreme or intense the play gets.  But whether or not you are at a public dungeon, or just trying out some "50 Shades" in the bedroom, acknowledging a limit with a means of communication through a safeword system is having smart sex.  If you choose not to have one, then make sure all parties involved know that, and that you are playing with people you trust not to harm you.  Most of all, make sure you know that this is truly just play. Make sure you and your partners are all on the same page.

Ms. CherriesJubalie is a unique Burlesque performance artist and active member of the Chicago Leather Community.  She is a sex-positive educator and travels the country to present at local and national lifestyle events, art shows, and charity balls.  A sex-positive enigma, she has appeared on NBC's America's Got Talent where censors determined her "ass is too dangerous for Prime Time TV."  She has appeared in independent films such as Dracula's Orgy of the Damned and the soon to be released Dark Realm, and is a featured performer on Kink.com's HogTied.  An internationally known Shibari Rope Artist and fetish model, you can see her in Germany's Bondage Magazine and on the cover of books like Sacred Kink. She is a new contributor to GetLusty.com and we look forward to more of her unique perspectives on sexuality.

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Why Talk About Commitment

We always learn from JacoPhillip Crous, our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships. He is full of so much wisdom and advice when it comes to bettering our own long-term relationships through communication. Getting to know your partner's wants, needs and desires through effective communication and feedback improves our relationships. Communication and commitment are extremely important and having a consensual, committed relationship will not only lead to a healthier love life but you will also have a firm foundation to let your relationship grow.

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Actively communicate

Communication is the buzz word for most relationship counseling, whether it comes from your BFF or your very expensive couples therapist.  The language of love, sex, and relationships is always changing.  It is important to recognize that "communication" is not just a catch all word for making your relationship better. Communication is a means for people to address wants, needs and issues so we can be happier in our exploration of our selves.

Often times, one or both halves of a couple will decide they want to experience something new or to try something different. The problem is, what “new” or “different” means to one person may bear little or no resemblance to what it means to the next.  Even if you have developed your own couple’s-telepathy, lovers still need to actively communicate dialogue with feedback and explanation of meaning or emotion.

For example, when one person gets around to using the word "new" in a relationship, to the speaker “new” means something that they have probably thought of for a while, but haven't had the ability to express it to the other person.  The listener or recipient of the message may find the actual idea “new” because, until now they have probably not thought of it at all before or the couple hasn't spoken of the thought previously. For another couple, "new" can mean something that both the speaker and recipient have been thinking about, but neither partner had the means to articulate and initiate the conversation.  My advice is to explore your foundations of communication and commitment before adding the "new" or "different."

Understand where you and your partner are coming from

In a committed relationship, there are many aspects of communication that have to be addressed so that both partners can understand each other.  If either party doesn't understand their own needs, wants, and desires, holding a conversation about adding a new idea will be difficult.  Either party may not realize what they are consenting to or what is expected of them.  To use a metaphor, you have a very detailed treasure map for the island, but if you don't know where the island is located you won't get very far.  Understanding where both you and your partner are coming from is essential in communicating your ideas to each other.

So how do you figure out what you want, what you may get, what is wanted of you, and what you would consent to give?  Let's try to acknowledge that some of the psychobabble and self help literature doesn't give you straight up answers, again it gets lumped in with the word communication as if we inherently understand what that entails.

What is Alpha communication?

Alpha communication is a trusting communication motivated by care for one another. This is based on both partners being honest, real, and transparent with one another about your needs, wants, and desires to benefit your consensual commitment to each other. For some couples, this conversation is the proverbial deal breaker for the relationship; to what depths/heights of commitment are the two of you willing to consent to now. The relationship doesn’t need to accommodate any specific changes in the moment, but there must be consensus on the commitment capacity of your relationship.  Then you can start to add new strategies and approaches to be able to understand what each other is trying to say.

What are Alpha topics?

Consent to what are “Alpha-topics” for your particular partnership needs to be acknowledged and communicated clearly, here in the Alpha-conversation. This consent to your commitment is necessary if consensus is to be achieved in future communication on how such topics can be addressed and made practicable.  Consider this a framework for understanding the other person and where they are coming from.  It is like a foundation to a house being built.  Many of you probably have already spoken about some of these topics: ideas and feelings on marriage, children, religion, respect, lifestyle, and finances among other fundamental values.  Once you have expressed your concepts on these points and your belief structures, your partnership has a basis for understanding how to evolve and change through active communication.

If you’re not talking about the things that actually make partnership consensus and consensual commitment, you may as well consign your relationship commitment to an individual monologue.  Your message recipient will not understand nor be willing to actively listen.  There are an infinite number of websites and self help books out there that will tell you communication is key, but very few that explain how to get there.  Starting with these main ideologies and determining what "language" you and your partner are speaking will help guide the conversation and communication actively.

Relationships that dissolve supposedly because of “unrealistic expectations” in regards to Alpha topics such as the ones mentioned above, actually may have come apart anyway.  Getting real – honest and transparent – about consensual and commitment expectations in Alpha conversations may only accelerate dissolution because any impurities (dishonesty and nondisclosure) and flaws (insecurity and lack of transparency) that might be allowed to persist in your relationship, will only become more pronounced as you add more misunderstanding to the mix by adding secondary or new conversations.

For many other couples, Alpha conversation will only deepen and enrich the consensual relationship commitment you already have and enjoy. I am not saying saying it will always be smooth going, but knowing what you each want to maintain and what to develop in your relationship as you move forward will give you solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.  Even a little bit of time spent on self-examination here will help down the road when challenges come up. By confirming a consensual partnership foundation in Alpha conversation, and making sure you’re on the same page about the relationship, you’ll have smoother Beta (secondary) conversations leading to a more satisfying partnership and easier communication.

Regardless of your partnership, gay/straight, open/poly/monogamous, various power dynamic structures, clarifying your message and giving feedback to your partner based on an understanding of their communication style and language will assist in a healthier relationship.  We can all empower ourselves with the variety of information on communication via the Internet or knowledgeable professionals. But being able to assimilate and use that information appropriately is the difference between successful communication and eventually giving up and walking out the door.

Relationship example

Malcolm, 28, and Dean, 29, are a couple that has been in a relationship for the past three years.  Dean was committed to Malcolm yet felt that the traditional/straight model of monogamy as the marker for loyalty, commitment and fidelity didn’t match his experience. He wanted to be a cock-tease; able to flirt under his lover’s supervision, and sometimes, with the consent of Malcolm, bring such spoils home for both of them to share in.

Malcolm was somewhat open to this idea, but worried that Dean wasn’t really committed to him and was just using something “new” and “different” as a way to avoid commitment. Before encouraging them to explore “new” and “different” with anyone else, I spent some months with them helping the couple sort out how they felt about their own relationship as it stood, and what it meant in the life of each man in the here and now.  Forming a foundation for consensual commitment and understanding helped confirm the couple's relationship and gave them a basis for making the additional changes for a happier, healthier commitment to each other.

Each partner in Malcolm and Dean's relationship had to determine what the term "commitment" meant to himself.  Both examined how committed to the other he was and what level of commitment each had for the other.  They determined if they were in the "pre-commitment" stage of the conversation where they determined if they were in a long-term relationship, somewhere in the middle, or had something else completely.  To be on the same page to communicate effectively, Malcolm and Dean examined their own beliefs in the Alpha-conversation and had to be honest about what their need, wants, and desires were.

Ask yourself questions

Alpha conversation opens up a steady flow of considerations for you and your lover.  Communication starts with self-examination and understanding of where we are coming from and where our partners are coming from.  Some other questions we should ask ourselves when looking for effective communication in a relationship are:  What else is going on in our life? Do you have space and time to devote to exploring consensual commitment and sexual development in your relationship? How much time and energy are we willing to put into this exploration? How will we handle different levels of resources, energy, attention, etc. practicably, as a couple?

Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to keep your existing relationship (the romance and the friendship) healthy and thriving? Can you anticipate some of the challenges that might emerge ahead of time? Where do you see room for yourself to grow?

Do I know what makes my partner feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra attention on nurturing my existing relationship even as I make my way through the world? Where do I want to be sure to put that extra attention? Do I know what makes me feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra effort into self-care and self-discovery? What opportunities do I see for myself here?

This understanding of what a good foundation for communication of our commitment to our relationships, will be further explored in a later GetLusty article.  My goal here is to help our readers get the most lust, sexy, satisfying, healthy relationship by offering tools for understanding each other and learning to be on the same page in our communications.  My last word of advice...in all of our endeavors, do It well; do It safe. And GetLusty!

He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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Consent: What It Isn't

Ending boring sex is important to the GetLusty crew. More specifically, ending boring sex through tantalizing, exciting and adventurous consensual sex is important. We have written about what consent is, but do we know what it isn't? Our own Rachel Colias reports.

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Consent is a simple enough concept, but the necessity of it is what generally becomes vague in the portrayal of sex as a whole. So let’s ask the question most don’t: what isn’t consent?

• If a person does not have the option to say “no,” it’s not consensual
• If a person is being coerced, it’s not consensual
• If a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it’s not consensual
• If a person is unconscious, it’s not consensual
• If either of the parties is under the legal age of consent, it’s not consensual
• Silence is not consent
• If a person does not reciprocate, it’s not consensual
• If a person fights back without establishing beforehand the fighting as part of the sex act, it’s not consensual
• ANY version of the word “no” — not now, wait..., maybe later, it hurts, I’m not in the mood, fuck off, don’t touch me, I’m not sure, let’s just go to sleep, but..., stop, leave me alone, don’t — does not count as consent.

Any version of the word “no” means no and if a person continues the sexual interaction after a “no” has been established in some way, the action is now assault.

Now that we understand that there are many ways to say “Yes” and “No." If you read my previous article, Consent 101, we all need to understand why the difference is important.

Why do we need consent? The most obvious reason is because sexual interactions that include consenting participants is the only legal type of sexual interaction that exists. Beyond obvious issues of legality arise the issues of personal, mental and physical health.

Being the recipient of non-consensual interactions is traumatic and should never be an experience someone has to endure. Forcing or coercing someone into a non-consensual interaction is entirely unacceptable and causes serious harm to the non-consenting participant. What a lot of people don’t or choose to not realize is that a lack of consent results in assault and rape.

This misunderstanding due to a lack of communication is bad for both or all parties. As mentioned above, victims of sexual assault or rape are especially hurt by the non-consensual act and are in no way at fault for what has happened to them. It’s hard also for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or sexual partner to hear that what they’ve done constitutes assault or rape. A sexual partner that, for example, slaps their partner in the face during sex thinking it will be hot, but doesn’t ask permission beforehand, might not intentionally be trying to hurt the other person involved. However that lack of communication and consent is what hurts people and breaks trust.

So please remember, consent is a necessary aspect of any sexual interaction; you must recognize and respect everyone’s right to say “no” and their sexual boundaries.

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! E-mail her directly at editorial@getlusty.com.

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