There are several issues as important as stamina. We've already proved duration does matter. But what happens when your sex life is stuck? What happens when you become the one always initiating sex? Are your partner's needs being met but not yours? Obviously, you must look below the surface here and really get at the core of what is going on with your partner and you. Our resident LA Sex Therapist, Moushumi Ghose, is here with three ways that will get your guy lasting longer and help you both reconnect and work towards a stronger, healthier and overall amazing sexual relationship.
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Dear GetLusty,
My partner not only has very little interest in sex but when he does get it up (always with me initiating it), he looks after his own needs which takes 30 seconds. So I normally have to wait 30 days for 30 seconds. I’m so frustrated. I can't leave him because we have two daughters together and I've loved him for about 20 years. But, I have no more patience left.
Signed,
Cheeky Mary
Dear Cheeky Mary,
I am so sorry to hear about your frustrations with your partner, but I also hear that you love him very much. Before you leave him, have you tried having a sex heart–to–heart with him? The sex heart-to-heart is something I strongly recommend for all couples, old and new, sexing and non-sexing, to better understand what makes each other tick. I can’t imagine he’s very happy with what is going on either.
Before we talk about the sex heart-to-heart though, you mentioned you two have been together for 20 years. I might suggest that he see a doctor to rule out any organic issues. Are there any illnesses at play here? Is he on medications that could prevent him from feeling sexual or having longer erections? Age, medications and illness are definite issues. With age, many men see a decreased level from earlier days of arousal. This doesn’t mean they cannot have fun, or be sexual, but it does often create a mental conundrum, which can be difficult to accept, let alone address. Men as they age may feel confused, or alienated by their sex drives, and some blame themselves for their lack of virility, and as a result try to avoid any such interactions. The key for men is to recognize their body changes as they get older and their mind needs to catch up. Men need to nurture their sexuality instead of trying to hide it.
For couples who have been together a long time, it seems like you should know everything about your partner and that there should be very little to talk about, right? Wrong. The truth of the matter is, as you grow older, your bodies change, and your emotions and feelings shift, and it is important to recognize this is part of growth. Couples often feel bad about their growth, often fear what it could mean to their sacred union. Change can be really scary for many couples. But, since growth never stops, open, and honest communication should actually be happening more and more as couples mature. Bringing up your concerns in a gentle, non- judgmental way can help change this pattern, to get the conversations started, not just about sex, but everything else. My theory is that if you’re not talking about sex, there is probably a whole slew of other things that are getting pushed under the rug. This in effect thwarts our growth and the growth of the relationship as well.
#1 Explain your needs
Letting him know what your needs are is the first thing. Be kind. Remember to let him know how much you are attracted to him, and that sex is a way for you to feel more connected to him- which is something you want. Your vulnerability and honesty are key here as they going to be the role model for this interaction.
#2 Ask him what he needs sexually
Ask him what he would like sexually. Is there something that he needs to get aroused or turned on that you can help him with? Ask him if there are any issues he might want to talk about around sex that maybe you haven’t addressed? Let him know you want his needs to get met too.
#3 Plan a time to talk
Let him know he doesn’t have to answer right away, and that you are open to discuss all his concerns. Then, set a date and time to have a follow up conversation. Let him know how important this is to you for you two to be connected as you grow older together. And then do a follow up as you said you would.
Please note that change is sometimes slow. He may be reluctant at first to open up. But if you are consistent about following up and following through, and if you are honest, gentle and sincere it will help him see how important this is to you and the relationship and will eventually get the conversation flowing. It might seem awkward at the beginning, so be patient.
After you get the conversation going, you two can begin to address and explore ways in which to make your sex life more exciting and satisfying for both of you. Once you start having more open, honest conversations, this should get easier too.
Hope this helps!
Moushumi
This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose. Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.
* * *
Dear GetLusty,
My partner not only has very little interest in sex but when he does get it up (always with me initiating it), he looks after his own needs which takes 30 seconds. So I normally have to wait 30 days for 30 seconds. I’m so frustrated. I can't leave him because we have two daughters together and I've loved him for about 20 years. But, I have no more patience left.
Signed,
Cheeky Mary
Dear Cheeky Mary,
I am so sorry to hear about your frustrations with your partner, but I also hear that you love him very much. Before you leave him, have you tried having a sex heart–to–heart with him? The sex heart-to-heart is something I strongly recommend for all couples, old and new, sexing and non-sexing, to better understand what makes each other tick. I can’t imagine he’s very happy with what is going on either.
Before we talk about the sex heart-to-heart though, you mentioned you two have been together for 20 years. I might suggest that he see a doctor to rule out any organic issues. Are there any illnesses at play here? Is he on medications that could prevent him from feeling sexual or having longer erections? Age, medications and illness are definite issues. With age, many men see a decreased level from earlier days of arousal. This doesn’t mean they cannot have fun, or be sexual, but it does often create a mental conundrum, which can be difficult to accept, let alone address. Men as they age may feel confused, or alienated by their sex drives, and some blame themselves for their lack of virility, and as a result try to avoid any such interactions. The key for men is to recognize their body changes as they get older and their mind needs to catch up. Men need to nurture their sexuality instead of trying to hide it.
For couples who have been together a long time, it seems like you should know everything about your partner and that there should be very little to talk about, right? Wrong. The truth of the matter is, as you grow older, your bodies change, and your emotions and feelings shift, and it is important to recognize this is part of growth. Couples often feel bad about their growth, often fear what it could mean to their sacred union. Change can be really scary for many couples. But, since growth never stops, open, and honest communication should actually be happening more and more as couples mature. Bringing up your concerns in a gentle, non- judgmental way can help change this pattern, to get the conversations started, not just about sex, but everything else. My theory is that if you’re not talking about sex, there is probably a whole slew of other things that are getting pushed under the rug. This in effect thwarts our growth and the growth of the relationship as well.
#1 Explain your needs
Letting him know what your needs are is the first thing. Be kind. Remember to let him know how much you are attracted to him, and that sex is a way for you to feel more connected to him- which is something you want. Your vulnerability and honesty are key here as they going to be the role model for this interaction.
#2 Ask him what he needs sexually
Ask him what he would like sexually. Is there something that he needs to get aroused or turned on that you can help him with? Ask him if there are any issues he might want to talk about around sex that maybe you haven’t addressed? Let him know you want his needs to get met too.
#3 Plan a time to talk
Let him know he doesn’t have to answer right away, and that you are open to discuss all his concerns. Then, set a date and time to have a follow up conversation. Let him know how important this is to you for you two to be connected as you grow older together. And then do a follow up as you said you would.
Please note that change is sometimes slow. He may be reluctant at first to open up. But if you are consistent about following up and following through, and if you are honest, gentle and sincere it will help him see how important this is to you and the relationship and will eventually get the conversation flowing. It might seem awkward at the beginning, so be patient.
After you get the conversation going, you two can begin to address and explore ways in which to make your sex life more exciting and satisfying for both of you. Once you start having more open, honest conversations, this should get easier too.
Hope this helps!
Moushumi
This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose. Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.
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