Would a Threesome Hurt My Relationship?

Thinking about a threesome with your partner? Before throwing a third person into bed, consider the possible dangers. Will it benefit the relationship, or hurt it? Will jealousy haunt you or your partner? These are the things you need to discuss with your loved one. J. Cameron Gantt offers some sound advice on the complications of a sexual trinity.

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Dear GetLusty for Couples, 

I have been with my partner for one year and so far things are pretty good. A few months ago, he and I were discussing our fantasies and he let me know that he would like to try a threesome. He has never tried it, but I have had a few in the past. I am not completely opposed to the idea, but I am a little afraid of how this would affect our relationship. I have never been in a threesome with a boyfriend and though I want to keep our sex-life exciting, I don’t know if this is something we should explore. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Room41More

Hey Room41More, 

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns. I can tell this is a tricky situation for you and you have some fear surrounding the possibility of engaging in a 3-way with your partner so I hope I am able to help you.

I applaud you and your partner for being open with each other about your sexual wants and needs. There’s nothing sexier than being able to swap fantasies with your partner and seeing what you can do to make it happen.

Here’s the thing about threesomes: There are so many things you have to consider. Is your relationship strong enough to handle a threesome? Who’s going to be the 3rd participant? Will it be a stranger or someone you know? Will one of you enjoy it more than the other? Will someone feel left out? What if it goes really well and it becomes a regular thing? What if it goes bad – will he blame you?

You can’t predict what’s going to happen after everything has been said and done. No matter what you do, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to, especially when you are dealing with more than one person.

I know that one year may seem like a long period of time, especially in gay relationships, but honestly you guys are still fairly new as a couple. You guys are still getting to know each other and to introduce this new dynamic into your relationship so soon may complicate things. You’re already fearful about the possibility of engaging in a threesome with him so I would advise you to trust your gut on this one. Archive this fantasy and save it for when you feel more comfortable doing it with him.

Here are 2 things you can do to make sure you are ready to invite a guest into your sex life.

#1 Keep the communication going

Based on what you have described, you and your partner seem to be pretty open with each other about the possibility of having a threesome. Keep it up! Feel each other out and make sure you both are on the same page as to why a 3-way would benefit your relationship. I know it sounds sappy, but be honest about your feelings. Don’t say you are okay with it if it’s not the way you feel. Pretending to be okay with it will just lead him on and he will be expecting that threesome to happen.

Should you decide to make that threesome a reality, make sure you and your partner set boundaries to protect your relationship. Maybe you don't want him kissing or penetrating the third person. Think about the possible awkwardness afterwards – does the third party leave right after, does the person spend the night? Your fear of a threesome stems from specific concerns. Make a list of things that would hurt or anger you – just imagine this other person touching your partner and see how it makes you feel.

#2 Try a different fantasy before you try the 3-Way

You have so many options to explore if you are serious about spicing up your sex life. Sex toys, role play, voyeurism, BDSM… the list goes on. These are all things that you can do with him that do not require additional participants. GetLusty.com is your personal playbook for hot sex with your mate. Make sure you check out some of our other content and see what piques your interest.

I hope this helps you and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.

Sincerely,
J. Cameron Gantt

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor,  a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango and Singleswarehouse. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.

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Why Don't I Like His Cum Anymore?

Our favorite sex therapist, Moushumi Ghose (the LA Sex Therapist) really had a great, multiple part question this week. We give her props for answering our readers' very thought provoking question. Read on!

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Dear GetLusty,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. When we first got together, it was as though we couldn't stop having sex and experimenting and enjoying each other. Over time, I felt more self-conscious about my body, and I've had a lot of stress in my life that I've had to deal with and so sex and anything related to it has become almost non-existent, and when it does happen I feel like I allow little romance, and

I have trouble being comfortable in many positions anymore (he is rather large and since we don't have sex frequently I think I have a lower tolerance for the pressure). But I think that most of that is related to my current state of mind and I am trying to reinforce positive ideals and activities into my life and accept that he is attracted to me even when I feel like a slob.

So after all that background, my biggest question to you is this: I used to be a huge swallower. I loved sucking him off and swallowing when he came because I enjoyed it and it made him feel really good. Now I have trouble even tasting his semen and I have no idea why. I can give him a blowjob and be mostly fine with that. But as soon as I taste him I develop this ridiculously strong gag reflex and have trouble continuing on. I don't believe he tastes any different than he used to, and we eat fairly healthily, so I can't imagine that it is that. I think it has something to do with me (I even get a bad gag reflex when I have too much toothpaste in my mouth too). I used to not be this way, and I am wondering if you have any advice on how to overcome it?

Signed,
Totally changed

Dear Totally Changed,

When reading your question there are so many parts to it, I will try to break it down as best I can for you.

The first thing I hear is that you and your boyfriend were extremely into one another at the beginning of the relationship. You enjoyed sex, and every bit of the sex was hot, passionate and you were always turned on. But, things are quite different now, right?

Well, let me first explain to you a little physiology about love. It has been studied and theorized that the first stage of love can last about 6 months to two years, and this fits quite snugly into your scenario, as this early stage of love and romance is scientifically similar to being high on cocaine.

So, it's no wonder you felt passionate, sexy, hot, you were high on hormones, adrenaline, dopamine and all these natural fabulous chemical running through your blood, veins and brain.

However, after the first stage wears off, generally at the latest 3 years, we are often left to pick up the pieces of the honeymoon phase, and this lends way to the next stage which is attachment phase. Ideally we grow and develop during this final phase of love, growing more comfortable with our partners, feeling more secure, and developing a working sex language that will take us through the rest of our lives. But a lot of times the mess that was created during the honeymoon or lust phase is more than we know how to handle.

The truth of the matter is, that once the high wears off, reality sets in, and quite often it's not what we had bargained for. Did you lose sight of what was important to you during this time? What things did you used to love about your boyfriend, that now are not sitting so well with you. These reality checks can sometimes come crashing down in the form of anger, resentment, and frustration. And, what is worse is that sometimes you may not even realize it. Perhaps you feel disconnected in some ways from your boyfriend?

You mentioned that you "feel like a slob," which suggests you are suffering from some sort of body image issues also. When we don't feel 100% about our bodies, hell no we are not going to feel sexy. Feeling sexy is directly related to feeling attractive, feeling good about our physical nature, bodies, etc.. Where does this body image issue come from? Is it something that is self manifested, or are you receiving messages from somewhere that your body is not good enough? Who? What? Where? Finding out what messages you are contending with and then finding a way to accept your body is going to be key in getting your sexy back.

Lastly, you mentioned the gag reflex, which occurs at other times, not just during sex. From what you have described this more than likely has less to do with his semen and has everything to do with stress, anxiety and fear. The gag reflex can be brought on by panic attacks during stressful situations.
Therefor it sounds like stress, is the culprit in your inability to swallow your boyfriends semen. Seems strange I know, but body image issues in and of itself can be stressful, on top of everything else you are contending with, it sounds like you are carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders.

My suggestion to you would be to do some serious soul searching. You need to find ways to reduce the stress in your life, prioritize what is important to you, and recognize what is causing you panic or anxiety and then get yourself into some therapy either individually or as a couple as soon as possible.

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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5 Most Common Sex Questions & Answers

Here at GetLusty for Couples, we get a monumental amount of questions about every aspect of sexuality. Today, we'll cover some of the most general questions. GetLusty sex geek Jason Estrada answers the 5 most commonly asked questions about sex. Do you have specific questions about sex? Do e-mail us at reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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#1 Am I normal?

The human race seems to be a very apprehensive species. Our insecurities are at their peak when it comes to sex. Men want to know if their penises are normal. Women need to know that their vulva isn't "abnormal". We all want to know that we're doing it right. Hopefully, most of our GetLusty community accepts their sexuality, but some might feel like a weirdo for their fetishes. Many couples hide their true sexuality from their partner, and therefore, suffer a less fulfilling relationship. As long as it "embraces open sexuality with few limits beyond an emphasis on safe sex and the importance of informed consent." The quote was taken from Wikipedia's definition of "sex-positive". As long as you are a sex-positive couple, you are normal. For more on the "I am normal?" question check out our article from Eric Amaranth.

#2 How often do most people have sex?

There's a lot of anxiety in couples about how often they should be having sex. When a friend brags about having sex 12 times a week, we freak out. There's nothing to worry about folks. For one, that friend is probably lying, or they just had a week-long fluke. Most research reveals that most married couples in America have sex about twice a week. For newly weds, the number is usually higher, but over time that number does decrease. Want to more sex? Amy Jo Goddard says scheduling sex is the best way to have more of it (which we agree).

#3 How do I tell my partner what I need in bed?

First step is starting to talk a little more. Talk in a neutral place like a cafe or bar. Don't be accusatory. Just be honest and clear about what you want. Try something like, "Baby, our sex is great, and I love it. I want it to be the best that it can be. That's why I wanna try this new position," or "I'd like to spice it up with a little something different." How you frame your request is important.

You wouldn't tell your partner that they give horrible blowjobs. If your partner isn't doing enough of something, trick 'em into doing it more. "Babe, last night was so hot. I was so turned on when you took your time with me and teased me before fucking me." See that? Turn the request into a compliment. GetLusty for Couples has a few articles on specific sexual requests. For example, Portia Blush told us how to ask for what you really want in bed, or Moushumi Ghose's article talked about how to tell your partner you want slower sex for example.

#4 Where did my sex drive go?

It's true, sometimes men don't always want sex. There are a plethora of reasons for a lack of libido. As you get older your body goes through hormonal changes. Men's testosterone levels decrease. Women start experiencing changes due to menopause. Aging has a definite affect on your sex drive, but changing hormone levels can happen at any age. GetLusty's Jason Estrada hypothesized too much (male-centric) porn could be killing men's erections.

Other reasons might be stress at home or work, medications, poor physical fitness, and lack of sleep. Take a step back and see if any of these things could be the cause. If your concerns are not satisfied, see a doctor and get those hormones tested. For more on this, check out 4 steps to gaining your sexual function back or make sex explosive naturally.

#5 How do I tell my partner about my fantasies?

Telling your partner is easy. You obviously might feel some anxiety about sharing something you feel ashamed of or embarrassed by, but your partner should be open and loving, so I'm sure he or she will be supportive. If your partner is none of those things, you have bigger problems than this particular set of questions.

Before spilling your most erotic fantasies, maybe set the ground rules: no laughing. Your partner might think you're joking if your fantasy is extremely surprising. Explain to him or her that this is a sensitive subject, and that you are counting him or her to be supportive. Have your partner reveal some fantasies of their own to balance out the awkwardness. Moushumi Ghose writes about how to bring bring BDSM into bed  and why your fantasies are beneficial.

What ever your question is, you should be looking for the answers together. Resolving your questions are not as important as sharing them with the person you're committed to.

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. Connect with him via email at jason@getlusty.com or subscribe via Facebook.

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How Do I Get Him to Last Longer? These 3 Ways

There are several issues as important as stamina. We've already proved duration does matter. But what happens when your sex life is stuck? What happens when you become the one always initiating sex? Are your partner's needs being met but not yours? Obviously, you must look below the surface here and really get at the core of what is going on with your partner and you. Our resident LA Sex Therapist, Moushumi Ghose, is here with three ways that will get your guy lasting longer and help you both reconnect and work towards a stronger, healthier and overall amazing sexual relationship.

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Dear GetLusty,

My partner not only has very little interest in sex but when he does get it up (always with me initiating it), he looks after his own needs which takes 30 seconds. So I normally have to wait 30 days for 30 seconds. I’m so frustrated. I can't leave him because we have two daughters together and I've loved him for about 20 years. But, I have no more patience left.

Signed,
Cheeky Mary
 
Dear Cheeky Mary,

I am so sorry to hear about your frustrations with your partner, but I also hear that you love him very much. Before you leave him, have you tried having a sex heart–to–heart with him? The sex heart-to-heart is something I strongly recommend for all couples, old and new, sexing and non-sexing, to better understand what makes each other tick. I can’t imagine he’s very happy with what is going on either.

Before we talk about the sex heart-to-heart though, you mentioned you two have been together for 20 years. I might suggest that he see a doctor to rule out any organic issues. Are there any illnesses at play here? Is he on medications that could prevent him from feeling sexual or having longer erections? Age, medications and illness are definite issues. With age, many men see a decreased level from earlier days of arousal. This doesn’t mean they cannot have fun, or be sexual, but it does often create a mental conundrum, which can be difficult to accept, let alone address. Men as they age may feel confused, or alienated by their sex drives, and some blame themselves for their lack of virility, and as a result try to avoid any such interactions. The key for men is to recognize their body changes as they get older and their mind needs to catch up. Men need to nurture their sexuality instead of trying to hide it.

For couples who have been together a long time, it seems like you should know everything about your partner and that there should be very little to talk about, right? Wrong. The truth of the matter is, as you grow older, your bodies change, and your emotions and feelings shift, and it is important to recognize this is part of growth. Couples often feel bad about their growth, often fear what it could mean to their sacred union. Change can be really scary for many couples. But, since growth never stops, open, and honest communication should actually be happening more and more as couples mature. Bringing up your concerns in a gentle, non- judgmental way can help change this pattern, to get the conversations started, not just about sex, but everything else. My theory is that if you’re not talking about sex, there is probably a whole slew of other things that are getting pushed under the rug. This in effect thwarts our growth and the growth of the relationship as well.

#1 Explain your needs

Letting him know what your needs are is the first thing. Be kind. Remember to let him know how much you are attracted to him, and that sex is a way for you to feel more connected to him- which is something you want. Your vulnerability and honesty are key here as they going to be the role model for this interaction.

#2 Ask him what he needs sexually 

Ask him what he would like sexually. Is there something that he needs to get aroused or turned on that you can help him with? Ask him if there are any issues he might want to talk about around sex that maybe you haven’t addressed? Let him know you want his needs to get met too.

#3 Plan a time to talk

Let him know he doesn’t have to answer right away, and that you are open to discuss all his concerns. Then, set a date and time to have a follow up conversation. Let him know how important this is to you for you two to be connected as you grow older together. And then do a follow up as you said you would.

Please note that change is sometimes slow. He may be reluctant at first to open up. But if you are consistent about following up and following through, and if you are honest, gentle and sincere it will help him see how important this is to you and the relationship and will eventually get the conversation flowing. It might seem awkward at the beginning, so be patient.

After you get the conversation going, you two can begin to address and explore ways in which to make your sex life more exciting and satisfying for both of you. Once you start having more open, honest conversations, this should get easier too.

Hope this helps!
Moushumi

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose. Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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