Your Sexuality is a Gift: Are You Giving It?

Ladies, we want your sexuality! Sexuality makes the world go 'round. Well, it does at GetLusty for Couples anyway. We're not just talking about your bodies here – we want you to share your passion and energy with us. We want you to realize what a gift your sexuality really is, and not just for your partner, but also for the world. The level of passion you have in your libido reflects directly to the level of passion in your heart and mind, affecting every aspect of your life. Joanna Kennedy, owner and director of Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure, explains how your sexuality truly is a gift for the world.

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I've truly come to realize the essential role our sexuality plays in enjoying a happy, healthy, vibrant, love-filled life. We so much more to give when our lives are rich, full, and overflowing with pleasure and joy. Our happiness and a skip in our step make others smile. It reminds them of the joy inside themselves.

You've experienced, or a least seen someone else with, that warm, alive, playful glow that has, "I've just had amazing sex," written all over it. We feel so alive in those moments. They can be the moments of our greatest creativity, our greatest generosity, our greatest connections.

Yet life has us busy. Deadlines keep us running. Exhaustion wins over lovemaking.

Do the world a favor this new year and connect with your sexuality. If you have a partner, make love with the openness of your heart. Find each other again, even if it's been years. If you're single, find something that turns you on – that awakens and raises the sexual energy in you – a book, movie, a dance, an activity, a conversation, a fantasy. Find something that stirs your juices and just enjoy the pleasure it brings to your body, the smile it can't help but put on your face.

Best-selling author and TV host, Dr. Oz says, "As a nation, we are in a sexual famine. Simply put, not enough people are getting down on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis." He reminds us, “We’re not having sex anymore, and we’re not doing things that bring us vitality and joy of life."

It's been documented that we live longer, healthier, happier lives when we're enjoying quality sex. I say it's time for us to connect with this powerful life force within ourselves and use if for good. I began a recent talk saying, "What makes you turned-on, alive and passionate in the bedroom is what will make your business turned-on, alive and passionate - making a big contribution to the world."

The more than 40 people in the room got a taste of what it's like to be on fire with desire – turned on by life and there wasn't a touch, kiss, or a physically intimate moment anywhere to be seen. We were simply beginning to understand that we don't have to turn off our fire, juice or passion when we leave the bedroom.

What would the world be like if we had more time and space, if we slowed our drive to just enjoy the simple pleasures again – a good hug, a warm drink, a smile, a conversation, a romp in the hay on Saturday afternoon? Can you find the time?

For years women have wanted men to connect their heart with their sexuality. Today, I believe it's time for women to reconnect their hearts with their sexuality. It's still true that for most women to be turned-on and fully open sexually, they need to be turned-on in their heart (Men, that's a hint). And, women, it seems that many of us as times, sometimes for a few days and sometimes for years or decades, settle just for love. When we do that we're missing out – missing out on a fundamental source of pleasure, joy, connection and vital energy. Women, it's time to allow this powerful source of energy, love and joy support us again. It's not something we can live without. Well, we can, but it depends on how you define living.

If something is blocking you – a physical pain or challenge, insecurity, shame, confusion, lack of knowledge – I don't care what it is; I invite and implore you to clear the roadblocks and reawaken the vibrant, creative and passionate you. Gift yourself with the abundant pleasure, the spiritual awakening power, the vitality that comes with reawakening and expressing your sexuality.

I invite you to offer that gift to your beloved – your alive awakened sexuality, and if it doesn't feel so alive anymore, then simply give him or her the gift of your willingness to re-explore it.

I invite you to give the world the gift of your passion, your excitement, your turn-on, your joy. The world needs more of our pleasure right now. We've repressed too much pain and loss. I wonder what would change if we found the time, space and energy to truly re-connect with each other – our deepest hearts with our families, our bodies and hearts with our beloveds, our passion and commitment to happiness, joy and healing with our neighbors, friends and the world.

I wonder what would happen...

Cross posted with permission from Happiness, Love and Pleasure.

Joanna founded the Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure where she offers private sessions, products, and workshops that help liberate men and women to be their natural selves, have passionate sex lives, and create deeply loving relationships. She dedicates her life to helping men and women take off their masks, be themselves, and remember the power and potential of love. Personally, she practices living every moment of life as an expression of love, joy, peace, and passion, while keeping a constant focus on authenticity and intimacy. Follow her blog at Happiness, Love and Pleasure. Follow her on Facebook here.

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What's the Difference Between Sexuality and Sensuality?

It takes more than crazy sex positions and toys to enhance a couple's love life. Sexuality should be explored on a deeper level. Couples should be sensual with each other, but what do those things mean? What is Sensuality? Isn't it the same as Sexuality? Drs Janelle and Rob Alex define these ideas and explain how sensuality can enhance your life, in and out of the bedroom.

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The Differences

In an earlier post, 5 Ways to Make Sex Sensual, we said, “when you hear the word “sensual” you are most likely going to relate it to something sexual.” This may not ring true in all cultures, but the majority of Americans do create a direct correlation between sensuality and sexuality in their minds. In fact, thousands and thousands of people use those two words interchangeably. But, do they really mean the same thing? Is one truly synonymous with the other? We don’t believe so. On the other hand, sensual experiences can most certainly lead to sexual experiences.

Sexuality

The actual definition of “sexuality” describes it as one’s capacity to have sexual feelings as well as what one’s sexual preferences are. These are physical, animalistic traits. They can still feel good, but just performing the act of sex does not mean that you will explore the senses. Simply engaging in sexual activity does not mean that you will gratify your sensual self. Sexuality can be solely about lust and the desire to jump your lover, rip off his or her clothes and get busy.

Sensuality

Sensuality is slower and arouses, as well as gratifies, all of the senses. Moving sensually could mean a slow sway of your hips or running your hand slowly up your lover’s chest. The sway of your hips will increase the flow of energy moving throughout your body and you can take in the feeling of this while those sexy and sensual movements visually stimulate your partner. As you can see, sexy and sensual can start to integrate at this point.

Leaving out sensuality and only focusing on the sexual you can miss out on the potential for extraordinary sensations and an out-of-this world climax. Becoming fully aware of the sensations within your body during lovemaking is what makes it sensual. In a sense, it is animalistic. After all, most animals can hear, smell, taste, see, and feel. But, moving it beyond just a quick sexual encounter gives both you and your lover the opportunity to savor the feel of one another’s touch, relish in each other’s natural smell (or soap or cologne), soak up the glorious view of your bodies, taste each other, and revel in the whispered words, moans, or sexy screams that escape you.

The Journey

Awakening your senses and then exploring how to gratify them can take you on a phenomenal journey. In fact, according to a teacher from the African Dagara Tribe, that is what “lovemaking” would translate as – going on a journey together. When the two of you bring more sensuality into your lives you will come to understand that it is not just about sex, and you can share sensual moments with your partner anywhere, anytime.

That shared journey can start long before the bedroom and last extensively afterwards. You can reach over and draw little circles with your finger on your lover’s wrist at dinner. You can slip your hand underneath their shirt and lightly rub your partner's back while walking down the street. You can wear clothing that you know will arouse your partner's senses. These are just a couple of examples. Adding this aspect and expanding the sensuality in your relationship will open the two of you to a deeper connection. Not only is it likely that your souls will blend together more freely, but it is also true that you will open more easily to a reconnection with your own soul.

Transcend

This leads to a greater possibility of transcendent sex, which means you gain access to the Divine through lovemaking (and that has nothing to do with being religious or not). Your creative energy will flow more freely, you will gain a new level of confidence in daily life, and yep, you will actually have a natural glow.

So, awaken to the powerful difference between “sexuality” and “sensuality”. To recap, sexuality is focused on the sexual act while sensuality focuses on pleasuring and gratifying all of your senses while connecting to your souls. Coming to this realization can not only enhance your lovemaking, but help it transcend basic, animalistic gratification.



Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis. Follow them on Twitter @sexychallenges and Facebook.

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Erotic Orgasm Denial 101

Erotic orgasm denial is supremely hot. Though we've just been introduced to this idea, it already sounds fabulous. And it's the weekend, what better time to try new things sexually? On top of that, we just love articles by Portia Blush. Without adieu, Portia Blush, our master of female domination, is here to talk about erotic orgasm denial.

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You've heard that old adage, "Tis' better to give than to receive", right? Orgasm has long been the goalpost that most of us look forward to reaching during our sexual escapades, so much so that sometimes we lose sight of enjoying ourselves in the pleasure of the moment. When sex is goal-oriented and we become fixated in whether or not we're going to climax, it can actually lessen our pleasure, rather than heighten it. This anxiety over whether or not one is going to climax or not, or how long it's taking to reach that point, can actually inhibit the very thing we crave. But what if we took the goal away? What if suddenly there was no finish line?

What is erotic denial?

Erotic orgasm denial, or sometimes called "tease and denial" play, takes away the goal of orgasm, and helps your partner not only focus on the pleasure they are giving, but also heightens the pleasure they are receiving.

Orgasm Denial is the practice of withholding and/or denying orgasm during sexual activity in order to maintain a heightened state of arousal for an extended time. Within a D/s (dominant/submissive) bond in a BD/SM relationship, it is also used as a method of, or reinforcement of, control. For it to be most effective, a degree of familiarity with your partner is paramount; knowing the subtle (and not so subtle) cues of their stages of arousal will be needed for you to learn where their orgasmic edge lies. Intimate knowledge of your partner's sexual response will help you to know how, where, and when to vary the intensity and timing of the stimulation accurately. The amount of time orgasm is withheld varies upon many factors, just as the reasons for doing so, and can range from hours, to days, or even months! Although the word "denial" may sound controlling, please know that this type of play is consensual, and not forced. Both partners are willing and hopefully eager, participants.

The numerous degrees of orgasm denial

Orgasm Denial can include several different degrees of play. "Edging", or "tease and denial", is when you stimulate your partner almost to the point of orgasm, but then reduce or stop the stimulation just prior to climax, only to then work up to that point again, and repeat the process. This style can be done in short or long-term scenarios, as decided by between lovers. Enforced Chastity is another form of orgasm denial in which orgasm is not only controlled and denied, but other sexual stimulation as well. It can also include masturbation, in addition to partner sexual exchange. This can be done through just verbal command and acceptance, or through more extreme measures by using chastity enforcement devices.

The joys of Orgasm Denial can be experienced within the context of a D/s relationship in BD/SM play, or it can be shared between two partners who just want to enjoy experimenting with new forms of erotic sexual play. No matter what your relationship style the benefits are the same; sustained, intensified pleasure. Also, orgasm control can be shared between couples of varying gender configurations. Please know that I am writing this article from the viewpoint of a woman with primarily male lovers, so I am referring mostly here to male orgasm denial, though the characteristics of female orgasm denial are extensively similar.

Top 5 Reasons to Try Orgasm Denial

#1 Heightened Sensations

While one might think of denying orgasm as incredibly limiting to pleasure, it's actually the opposite. By withholding orgasm you force your partner to remain in a place of sustained arousal, and that arousal continues to build upon itself, instead of decreasing through the release of orgasm. When you don't allow your partner to fall over that climactic edge, the erotic energy magnifies, making even the subtlest of stimulation that much more intense than before. Your partner will experience your touch at a whole new level. Suddenly the person being denied the orgasm will rediscover kisses, touches, and other pleasures that had become routine.

#2 The Big "O" Just Got Bigger

When you deny your partner an orgasm by continually bringing them to the precipice of their edge, but never allowing them to fall over, you increase their ability to sustain that state of arousal for longer and longer periods of time. This allows the person being denied the orgasm to experience that heightened pleasure for longer periods of time, but also now is able to focus intently on the pleasure in the moment, without the pressure of progressing towards climax. After remaining in this tide of the ebb and flow of this state of intensified arousal, when they are allowed to come, the orgasmic pleasures experienced will be intensified above and beyond those felt during a typical sexual experience. Some people say that even their most pleasurable peaks were no comparison to those reached after being denied orgasm for periods of time.

#3 Increased Sexual Frequency 

Heightened sensations mean heightened enjoyment, and the longer you remain in that heightened state of arousal, the more often you want to be experiencing sexual sensations. The person is stimulated that much easier, as they are almost in a constant state of arousal because they have yet to complete the arousal cycle through orgasmic release. It can become almost a constant state of desire. And what does this mean for you? More sex! They will want to have sex more often, and you get the reap the benefits!

#4 Rediscovery of Your Partner  

Ladies, restricting his orgasms, and exercising control over whether or not he has one, and when , will have him focussed on pleasing you! When his orgasm is restricted, your lover will become more tuned in to you, and will learn how to put your pleasures before their own. It will help him relearn the exquisite pleasure of a lingering deep kiss, or a soft caress, as they no longer are markers along the way to orgasm, but now the main course to savor. Orgasm Denial teaches your partner how to derive pleasure from pleasing his partner; you!

#5 The Joy of Surrender  

Power Exchange can be incredibly erotic in itself, so what better way to enhance your intimacy then by surrendering the control of your most intimate, personal acts; orgasms. It can be highly arousing to give yourself over to another this way, and allow yourself to experience how freeing giving up control can be. When we are expected to be in charge of so much in life, surrendering the responsibility to your lover to take care of you can be not only a relief, but intoxicatingly powerful.

It's always exciting to try new experiences together, especially in the bedroom. Orgasm Denial may be that next new thing on your horizon to bring you closer together! While I understand it may not be everyone's erotic cup of tea, I encourage you to have an open mind, and consider that Orgasm Denial play may have something to offer you and your lover. As always, play safe, and most of all, have fun my fellow sexplorers!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

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Faking Orgasms? Why & Why Not

Faking an orgasm. Is it ever OK, beneficial and positive? On an editorial note, I'm biased. I believe you should never fake an orgasm. But rather than explain in my own opinion, we'll let Bethany Kibblesmith explain the pro's and con's of faking an orgasm.

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If you’ve ever picked up a “woman’s magazine”, talked sex with a close friend, or seen an episode of “Sex and the City” or "When Harry Met Sally", faking orgasms has likely come up. Magazines often poll their readers often about this, and overwhelmingly readers respond yes. Yes, they’ve faked an orgasm before. In fact, check out the classic scene below detailing Meg Ryan's take on faking orgasms. Meg notes it's the partner who either confirms or denies the fake orgasm.

Rather than talking about a partner's view, we're talking about the person who's faking the orgasm. Now, I have a really strong bias on this issue. I won’t hide how my opinion lies on this one, but I want to fairly present the pros and cons of faking your climax, because this is a complicated issue. There are two sides to the question of faking it, and both should be equally explored.

For the most part, people fall on the side against faking it, but there are pros to stretching your sexual truth. Fake orgasms can do wonders psychologically. You can psyche yourself into an O by pretending you’re actually having one. It can also act as positive feedback for your partner, who can often feel inadequate or unattractive if you have reoccurring difficulty climaxing.

Pro's


Likely, sex does feel good, and by vocalizing in response to the pleasurable stimuli. You’re telling your partner that sex is feeling awesome, and that you value his or her efforts.

It says you are truly enjoying your shared sexual activities, even if the big O is less than genuine. Just because the ending was fake doesn’t make the moans, bites or other sexy responses you have during foreplay and intercourse any less genuine. The orgasm is undeniably part of sex, but that doesn’t lessen the delicious other parts of sex. A fake orgasm can also signal a more natural seeming ending to your sex-having.

Faking your orgasm may also seem like the nicer thing to do. Maybe your sex is hampered by a chaotic, stressful aspect of your life, unrelated to your partner’s actions and your reception of them. Maybe faking it until life calms down and climax comes naturally seems like the best way to get through a rough patch in an otherwise smoking hot sex life. It’s also possible you’re just not feeling especially sexual lately, and while sex feels good, climax isn’t in the cards. It’s no one’s fault, and we’ve all likely been there before.

Con's

This is where the downsides come in. By faking your climax, you aren’t facing or alleviating your difficulties in reaching orgasm. By giving your partner false feedback, you’re putting all kinds of roadblocks in your way. Choosing to fake it is like choosing to give your partner sexual silent treatment. It’s keeping a very important piece of information from the only other person involved in the problem you’re having.

Without communicating the difficulties you’re having, you’re depriving your partner of the opportunity to help you. It also robs you of the chance to learn more about each other sexually, what you like and what feels good to do together. Maybe clitoral stimulation, longer foreplay, a different position or series of position would give you the boost you need to reach orgasm. Your partner can’t read your mind, and faking your orgasm will never improve whatever is preventing you from climaxing.

The other half of my bias against faking it is this: dishonesty is dishonesty, no matter how or why you’re being dishonest.

For me, a fake orgasm is like lying to your partner. It’s hard to say something that will disappoint or hurt your partner, but imagine if you continued having climaxing trouble and come clean after weeks or months. I think you can imagine that’s likely a shitty feeling. If you aren’t communicating your feelings, nothing will get better.

We're very excited to have Bethany Kibblesmith as GetLusty's newest writer. She's passionate about keeping it sexy inside and outside the bedroom in her own relationship and in yours.  

Bethany is twenty-two and an English major. When she isn't scrambling to finish homework, she's with her boyfriend, reading, doing yoga or cooking. She enjoys the finer things in life like, secondhand clothes, warm showers, and socks without holes. She writes plays when she isn't writing for school or GetLusty. And if you meet her she will, without question, make a sex joke at some point. Email her at Bethany@GetLusty.com if you have any questions!

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Female Orgasm: True or False?

Orgasm is the ultimate in sexual enjoyment. Sometimes we think it's the be-all and end-all of sex. While it's enjoyable, it's not necessary to orgasm every time. At GetLusty, we think sex is about pleasuring yourself and your partner. Orgasm can be an excellent release, so we wanted to share information about it. We'll start with the female orgasm. This is a guest post by Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed. Early to Bed is one of the foremost women-owned sex toy stores in Chicago. Over the next several months, GetLusty will help organize several awesome upcoming events there.

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Wondering whether your lady has had an orgasm? Here are some truths and false statements about the female orgasm.

Vaginas get wet when a woman is turned on. 

TRUE

Except for when that isn’t true. Women can be turned on and not get super wet, women can get wet and not be super turned on. So while the conventional wisdom is that wetness = sexually aroused, that equation is not 100% accurate all the time. Remember that this does not mean that wetness is considered a sign that a woman has had an orgasm.

There is one way to “give” a woman an orgasm. 

FALSE

Every single woman on the planet is different and responds to sexual stimulation in her own way. There is not a guaranteed toy, trick, gel, drink, herb, patch or technique that will work for each woman. It is TRUE that a majority of women like/need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, but the actual type of stimulation varies and is not necessary for every woman.

Female ejaculation is real.

TRUE

Yes, female ejaculation is real and women can ejaculate when having an orgasm, but LOTS of women have fantastic orgasms without ejaculating.



There is one way to know a woman has had an orgasm. 

FALSE

The only real way to know is to have you partner tell you that she has. Some women make loud guttural noises, and some are quiet and silent when they climax. Some squeak. Some laugh. Some cry. Some yell. Some just smile.

And yes, some even lie about it. You will never truly know if your partner has had an orgasm unless she tells you. And she might not do that unless you ask her.

I suggest not jumping in right after you come and saying, “Did you come huh, huh? Did you have an orgasm?” Instead, maybe ask her gently something to the effect, “Was that nice? Do you want a little more attention anywhere? Can I keep pleasuring you?” Alternatively, ask her when you are not in the sack, “Soooooo.. I was just wondering cause I can’t really tell from your body language, but do you have orgasms when you have sex/fuck/make love?”

I know that can be an awkward question, but if you really can’t tell if she is having an orgasm, it's actually a really nice thing to do. And if her answer is, “No. I don’t," then a great follow up question is, “Oh, sorry... What can I do to help that happen for you?”.

Conclusion

Talk to your partner about sex! Be a generous lover and communicate your desires, questions and needs. And women - tell your partners what is going with your body. It is hot and people like knowing you are feeling good when they touch/stroke/tickle/fondle you right there.

Searah Deysach is owner of Early to Bed. She's been committed to informing Chicago about sex and love for over a decade. She's written for and been featured in numerous publications on the topic from Chicago Now to WBEZ, MsBehaved, Chicago Reader and beyond. She also lectures frequently on topics related to sex and sexuality. Follow Searah on Twitter as @EarlyToBed, Subscribe on Facebook and follow her blogs on the Early to Bed Blog.

Comments or questions? Please include them below or get in touch with us at reply@getlusty.com.

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How to Get What You Want Sexually

GetLusty loves to speak our minds, especially with our lovers and partners. Feeling confident enough to tell your lover just what you want in and out of the bedroom can be life changing. Seriously. Expressing yourself can really improve your love life. Communicating clearly about your sexual desires also brings you and your partner closer intimately. Portia Blush is here with a personal take on how to ask for what you want (in this case anal) in bed.

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Have you ever had a lover say, “Tell me what you want,” while you were in bed? You could also be wherever you might find yourself naked and sexually entangled together. Alternatively, have you, yourself, asked this very question of a lover?

Here I am, lucky enough to learn the in's and out's of my sexuality fairly thoroughly. I know what makes me tick, tock, and even KABOOM. As I explored along the way, I learned how to be comfortable enough with myself and my lover/s to ask for what I wanted. It’s not an easy task to say the least, and it took time. It takes a real level of vulnerability that a lot of people just aren’t able to access. However, look at the other choice! Amassing a collection of unsatisfying experiences? No, no. But, hey, we’ve all had those. So after awhile, you just have to take that bull of sex by its horns.

Get vulnerable

Knowledge is power, right? But what if you ask for something that maybe the other person isn’t expecting to hear? What if you ask for something that they’re just not into?

I have been lovers with a friend on and off for the better part of 17 years. He’s known me since before I even knew what an orgasm with a partner was. The key words there being “with a partner”.

We were together when my “sexploration” was all new and shiny, and for the most part, uncharted territory. It's fairly safe to say that he came into my life just as I was about to embark on figuring out just who I was as a sexual creature. In fact, I had my very first threesome and my very first experience with a female lover, with him. Ah, the memories.

Now, our sexual escapades together have been fairly low key as far as I’m concerned. Stop laughing. The threesome I mentioned is mild compared to the meat of the journey. Really, in truth, we’ve been fairly standard fare lovers with each other from that time out, in light of where I explored without him. Recently, he asked me “Tell me what you want. Tell me what to do.” And then it happened; that awkward moment when I wished, in a moment of self-consciousness, that I could take my answer back.

I went out on a limb

“Do you like anal?”, I queried. Silence. "With the right person, and in the right moment," he answered. We have not spoken of it since. And I knew the answer, which really is a “No”, before I even asked him. I was caught in this moment that sounded like this in my head, “Oh, uh yeah, me either, just kidding.” I knew that, because in all 17+ years of being lovers with him, he’s never “made a move”, nor implied in conversation, that he would like to add that to our sexual menu. I, being the explorer, went out on a limb.

So, there is this stereotype that all men are just longing for the “so taboo” anal sex experience. As the stereotype goes, men are always finding their female partners to be completely reluctant.

If not totally against the idea of anything, even remotely, nudging the puckered pink door of nether-regions. And here I am, the apparent female sexual anomaly. I love anal sex, now feeling more than mildly embarrassed for feeling that way.

I got embarrassed

OK, I get it. Even I am picky about the circumstances of playing anally, but really, suddenly I was having this total feeling of school-girl embarrassment come over me, that I had not experienced in a long time. And it’s not like we were new lovers, we had a rich sexual relationship. The question here being more, “Why am I now embarrassed?”, more so than, “Why doesn’t he want to?”. Because honestly, we all have those things that trip our triggers. While that might be high on my list, it doesn’t mean it will be even be a blip on his radar.

Prepare for surprise, but do it anyway

Stereotypes may have some truth, but are not an across the board rule book, and that goes both ways. There are men that love anal, men that don’t, women that love anal, and women that will strangle the shit out of you if you even dare think about trying it. I am one of those rare exceptions, and I love it! So, my intrepid sexplorers, remember this; “Tell me what you want”, is as difficult a question to answer, as it is to ask. Have some respect for the vulnerability that it takes to answer, just as you would like for having done the asking. And always, prepare to be surprised.

Originally posted at Erogenous by Portia Blush!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

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Creating Your Sexiest Bedroom: Do's and Don'ts

An amazing sexual relationship is, of course, created with the five pillars of an amazing relationship. But if your bedroom is keeping your sex life from moving you to the next level, consider moving furniture around. At GetLusty, we care about the feng shui of your bedroom. Why? It represents you! Here are a few tips from sex therapy and relationship counselors Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird tell you about creating the right bedroom atmosphere for great sex!

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Creating a love nest is very important. But sadly, the boudoir is sometimes overlooked and severely neglected. When thinking about your bedroom, is it a place you can relax and unwind? Do you want to spend time in there? Is it romantic? Or is your bedroom a place you want to avoid? Is it cluttered or filled with work?

Think about it. “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” Thus, if you want more energy in the bedroom, then you must put some attention into it! So let’s get started! Here are a few simple Dos and Don’ts to help you create your very own love nest.

Bedroom Don'ts:

Have computers, iPhones, televisions and other electronic work distractions in your bedroom. Studies show that couples with a television in their bedroom have half the amount of sex as couples who don’t. (However, you can have a television in the bedroom only if you use it to watch erotic videos!)

• Work desks, office stuff, etc.
• Exercise equipment
• Baby clothes or other accessories
• Clutter and dirt (just give a small clean daily)
• Bright colors or loud/busy patterns on the walls
• Overly bright lights (unless interrogation is your thing)
• Uncomfortable and noisy bed (was that you going bump in the night?)
• And of course, child-like décor. Meaning, no race car beds!!

Bedroom Do's:

Great bedrooms are sexy and radiate positivity.

• Consider using all your senses (sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste)!
• Use satin sheets or soft bed sheets with high thread counts (over 350) Fur blankets, shag rugs and soft area carpets help to dampen noises
• Use candles (including massage candles – some are even edible) and potpourri
• Romantic wall colors (neutral tones are calming and soothing, warm tones are sexy and cool tones can be spa-like, relaxing and calming)
• Mirrors and romantic photos (black and white pictures, landscapes, etc.)
• Soft/dim lighting
• CD player or iPod with romantic music ready to be played
• A chest or secret decorative box (to store all your fun and sexy toys and aids, of course!)
• A small box or bowl of chocolates on the night stand
• Unique bedroom furniture that is multi-purpose! (check out Liberator for that!)
• And of course, a good comfortable and quiet bed!

We hope this helps you create your love nest and get some positive and sexy energy into your bedroom. Remember, even small changes can yield big results! So get started!

Cross-posted with permission from their blog. 

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Why Men Don't Always Want Sex

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Why Submissive Skills Are Underrated

We're fans of kink. From the history of kink, to the psychology of BDSM, to skills around dominance. How about being submissive? Even though it's Dick & Dildo December, that doesn't mean you gents can hone your submissive skills! Ladies, you, too! Curious about being a submissive? Clarisse Thorn offers her perspective as a "BDSM Feminist" on why submissive skills are truly underrated. Wondering if you have what it takes to be a submissive? Read on.

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I write a lot about my experiences with BDSM — that’s a 6-for-4 acronym that covers Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. I have a fair amount of experience engaging in BDSM; I also have a fair amount of experience in the BDSM subculture. The subculture consists of meetup groups, educational workshops, dungeons where people practice BDSM, a set of well-reputed books and resources, Internet social networking sites, etc. The subculture also has its own norms and pitfalls.

Many BDSMers use the word “bottom” to refer to a masochist and/or submissive, and “top” to refer to a dominant and/or sadist. I am a switch, which means I feel comfortable in either the top or the bottom role. I haven’t observed every BDSM group in the world, but in my experience, one BDSM subculture pitfall is that we don’t explicitly teach very many “bottom skills”. In fact, a lot of the time, “bottom skills” aren’t even recognized as skills.

But bottom skills are totally the skillsiest skillz you can imagine. Let me start by describing my ex-boyfriend who was most in touch with his bottom side. When I met him, I was much less experienced than him at BDSM, and I was basically unaware of my top side. I think there are probably a lot more women than we think who would be up for being BDSM tops, but since cultural norms tell us that women aren’t dominant, lots of those women simply don’t recognize those feelings. My ex-boyfriend agrees, and as a result he’s specifically trained himself to surreptitiously draw out a woman’s dominant desires.

With me, he started by giving me the gift of his fear. We saw each other around the community a few times, and I guess he took note. Then one day, we were both at a BDSM meetup, and from nearby — while he was speaking to someone else — he remarked that I terrified him. He knew that I’d overhear.

I looked at him. He avoided my gaze. Eventually he worked his way around the crowd so he was actually speaking to me, and that was when he actually met my eyes and said directly to me, straightforward, in a charming and casual tone: “I’m terrified.”

Of course, this is vulnerability on a silver platter: it’s confident vulnerability. You scare me. Yet I’m still talking to you, even though I’m sure you could hurt me real bad. He was being so obvious, yet there were still so many tacit dimensions to what he was doing, and I had never quite seen anyone like him before. I was intrigued, and felt myself gain a predatory focus.

He was like that throughout our relationship. Throughout the flirting, throughout the BDSM encounters. He communicated very directly when there was a need for direct talking. But he also showed me so much of what to do. When I put my nails in certain places, he’d arch his body directly into them and groan. When I did something that was difficult for him, he’d get quieter and less responsive in an extremely obvious way while he dealt with it. He’s the only man I’ve ever seen who knew how to tip his head back for a kiss (he was also tall, so most women would have to be in very particular positions for this to work, ahem). A lot of this was instinctive, of course; many bottoms would recognize themselves in these tendencies … but he’d learned his own instinctive responses and fine-tuned them.

I want to make it clear here that I don’t want anyone to “perform” a type of sexuality that they don’t like; trust me, I know just how much a person can feel responsible for “acting out” their sexuality. I’ve been there. But that’s different from a person taking their own desires and reactions, and honing them for maximum communication power. That kind of thing takes experience and self-knowledge. Which is one of the things I value most about BDSM — the inner exploration it can enable. I just wish we taught about it better.

I definitely think the BDSM subculture is great at teaching certain topics: for example, how to perform certain activities safely. In major USA cities, there are often workshops on how to safely hit people with whips. Communication also gets a decent amount of airtime; for example, everyone in the community knows what a safeword is (indeed, a lot of people outside the community know about safewords, too). Sometimes, tops are even “judged” on their “dominant skill set”. But bottoms are usually seen as just being “along for the ride” — or are merely judged for “how far they’re willing to go”, which is even worse, because it discourages some bottoms from setting boundaries.

As a side note, here’s a pro tip on looking for tops. If you’re talking to a top who can’t stop bragging about how awesome and experienced they are, I advise you to walk away. Or perhaps I should merely say that I, personally, would walk away from that. My favorite, most respectful dominant partners have all had a hefty sense of humility and been very willing to learn — even if they were very experienced.

So why sub skillz got no respect? I think it’s partly because a lot of them are subtle and hard to see. In general, any “receptive” social role is going to get less credit in an interaction, because lots of people think that the “initiating” social role “does all the work” — but the truth is that the “initiating” social role simply does more visible work. You see this happening with mainstream gender roles, too; for example, some men complain about how women expect them to do “all the work”, like asking women out on dates. But the truth is that for any role played by one gender in the usual heterosexual mating dance, there is an opposing or matching role that takes its own kind of work. For every man who has trouble asking women out, there is a woman who has trouble appearing approachable … or who wants to ask men out but thinks that she will freak men out by doing so (and indeed, she might well be correct). Things are tough all over, baby.

Communication — any kind of communication — is not just explaining one’s desires out loud. There’s also a ton of non-verbal feedback and non-verbal reading that goes on. Everyone communicates, but because a lot of bottoms communicate primarily by responding, bottom communication is often invisible. There’s also a whole nother level of bottom communication sometimes achieved by people who are really good, which involves tacitly running the encounter from the bottom side. Like what my ex-boyfriend did in my anecdote above.

Other bottom skills have to do with bottoms monitoring their body and taking care of themselves. Some of this is physical. One thing I would absolutely love to see is a BDSM workshop on body chemistry: I’ve written about it and I try to keep an eye on how it works in my life, but I’ve literally never seen a class on the topic. My experience is that all kinds of things — from sleep to intoxicants to the quality and amount of food I’ve eaten — can drastically alter my experience of BDSM (and, for that matter, sex). But I’m not a nutritionist or a doctor, and although some things are obvious — like: it’s easier to take pain when I’ve had enough sleep — some things are not obvious at all.

And then there’s breath control. I am definitely a novice at this, but I’ve got the feeling that understanding how my breathing intersects with my pain tolerance could lead to a whole new level of BDSM. The one thing I’m sure of right now is that it’s easy to reflexively stop up my breathing when I’m in a lot of pain, or to breathe irregularly. But if I can force myself to breathe more regularly, then it gets easier. So the only advice I can offer bottoms here is for them, too, to watch their breathing and look for patterns.

Of course, taking care of oneself isn’t just physical; it’s mental and emotional too — setting boundaries and understanding oneself. It’s important for a bottom to know what they won’t do, will do … or what they want to do, but suspect will be complex and hard to deal with. In fairness, it is also important for tops to know these things about themselves, but the risks bottoms take tend to be more intense and direct than the ones tops take. Also in fairness, the BDSM community has developed some tactics for talking about this: for example, I often write about BDSM checklists, which list a huge array of BDSM activities and encourage people to rate their desire for and experience with those activities.

A lot of taking care of oneself involves a self-aware learning process. Calling a safeword is absolutely a skill, and it’s a skill that gets easier with practice; but sometimes I’m still not sure whether I actually want to safeword, and I’ve been doing BDSM fairly regularly for years. (For this reason, a lot of BDSMers use the “stoplight system”, whereby “red” means “stop definitely for real!” and “yellow” means “I’m not sure about this, but I don’t think I want to stop, so let’s slow down or switch activities”.) A lot of bottoms enter an altered state of consciousness we refer to as “subspace“; understanding how to navigate subspace is its own highly personal thing that deserves multiple stand-alone articles. Plus, I’ve learned a lot about which types of pain I like and dislike, but my tastes (like everyone’s) can and do evolve over time.

In short, processing intense sensations — and understanding where a person’s brain is at, and what they want even when they’re processing those sensations — is its own constellation of BDSM skills. Again, most relevant for bottoms, but also relevant for tops.

Originally posted at Clarisse Thorn's blog.



Clarisse Thorn is a feminist S&M writer who has lectured from Berlin to San Francisco, and written from The Guardian to Jezebel. She wrote a book about men, dating, and sex called Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; she's also got a best-of collection called The S&M Feminist. She's always writing something new, so check out her list of books.

Find her on Twitter @clarissethorn and Facebook.

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Why We Crave Porn

Just in time for Dick & Dildo December. GetLusty loves porn. Scratch that--GetLusty loves feminist porn. Have you seen our favorite feminist porn stars list? Or our 30 Top Feminist Porn Sites? Over the years, porn has risen more and more from the depths of underground culture into mainstream society, causing it to grow increasingly profitable while still retaining the controversy that has always surrounded it. Some porn stars, such as the famous Jenna Jameson, have become household names and just as popular as many Hollywood actors and actresses. GetLusty is always curious about porn and its effects on couples. Well, Josh Merel, a neuroscience PhD, offers three points as to why porn is so popular as well as what kind of effects, positive or negative, it can have on the different types of people who view it.

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Porn exists and it will continue to be used heavily in Western society.

Why? Like other cultural products that have become pervasive, porn satisfies a want felt by many men, women and children. Porn is neither good or bad per se; rather, consequences of porn use in certain contexts may lead to people being happier or less happy. Discussion about porn use should be an honest consideration of why porn is so appealing to many, and in what contexts porn can have good and bad effects.

Human animals desire sex; we crave it viscerally. But sex is somewhat complicated to acquire. Grouping masturbation in with sex, humans have the option to have sex by themselves. Nevertheless, despite the comparatively simple option of solitary masturbation, most people prefer to engage in erotic experiences with others.

Scientifically, it is no mystery why we crave sex with other people—we reproduce by sexual intercourse—though admittedly this is not usually in the forefront of one’s mind while thinking about erotic experience (it is what scientists consider an evolutionary cause, rather than a proximal cause).

As soon as the “will” of other individuals becomes part of sex, having sex becomes something less trivial than simply deciding one wants to … right now.

The fact that the will of more than one individual is involved yields all the various agreements we have come to with respect to regulating sex; among the many forms are marriage customs, prostitution and internet pornography. There is tremendous diversity, though, which I don’t wish to minimize by omitting here.

Point 1: The extent to which there is a real relationship between the performer and the porn viewer is under-appreciated. This is not just to say that the porn performer is a “real” person—such a point has been made many times. More subtly, I want to emphasize the fact that there is a relationship, ranging from a simple transaction to a possibly emotional connection, between the viewer and the performer.

In the biological sciences, there is often an attempt made to learn about healthy people by studying diseased people. Without being too judgemental of the people (usually men) extremely interested in pornography, one might hope to do the same here. We can likely learn a great deal about “regular” porn users from the “extreme” users. I am not an expert on porn addiction, but one relevant feature of serious porn viewers is that they may have, what are to them, highly meaningful relationships with specific porn stars. While most porn viewers may not be able to immediately relate to this, regular porn viewers will still have preferences for appearances, behaviors and communication habits of the porn “characters” they watch. As a monogamous and capitalist culture, we prefer to think of porn not as an interaction between people, but as a purely commercial product to be consumed.

Point 2: For those couples who both find porn use acceptable within the context of their monogamous relationship, porn is likely beneficial to that relationship. However, whether the relationship remains truly monogamous becomes more suspect. Even while in a relationship, many men and women will continue to find other people attractive. They may genuinely desire to suppress those feelings in “real life” in order to hold to certain commitments to themselves and/or their partner with respect to their sexual freedom. This argument can be formulated in various flavors, but when used in defense of porn consumption boils down to the overly simplistic point that porn isn’t real and doesn’t affect the monogamous relationship.

I think that this is practically true for many porn users, but by way of reference to Point 1, I wish to complicate this point. Porn use involves a human interaction with another person, the performer. I think given the predominance of monogamy in contemporary western society, this fact about pornography has been actively played down. That is, as a monogamous and capitalist culture, we prefer to think of porn not as an interaction between people, but as a purely commercial product to be consumed.

With respect to monogamy, porn use can perhaps be lumped into a broader class of release-valve theories- individuals who might have struggled to be completely monogamous get a release by interacting in a controlled and socially acceptable way with pornography. The salient point that distinguishes porn performers from prostitutes, with respect to monogamy, is the stronger asymmetry in the relationship.

In conventional pornography there is no interaction directed from the user to the performer, and for many people in relationships this probably feels less threatening. A husband might be as likely to be with a porn star as with a famous Hollywood actress, so the porn remains in the realm of fantasy. Increasingly interactive forms of pornography (one-on-one shows) might be considered similar to visiting a prostitute, as the nature of the relationship between performer and viewer becomes more bi-directional. Such interactive porn likely requires additional ethical negotiation, especially within the context of a monogamous relationship.

Point 3: There are certainly healthy ways of interacting with pornography. But any approach where the viewer is not fully honest with himself is likely unhealthy. It is easy to say that watching porn and masturbating is relaxing, but should such an answer suffice as justification? Most people face sexual tension at times, and perhaps porn is well-suited to certain such situations (perhaps even regularly), but how many people use porn to escape non-sexual stressors? Some of these rhetorical questions might be best answered systematically with statistics, but even before a survey would be coherent, individuals might find such self-reflective questions difficult to answer honestly for themselves. When constraints are placed on the behavior we are allowed to publicly express, we will want to satisfy our cravings elsewhere.

Does porn help a user take a break, or does it act like a narcotic, inhibiting the user from addressing other fundamental issues related their relationships and their life? Each individual likely has their own answer.

Humans have wants, and satisfaction of many such wants depend on productive interactions with other individuals. If an adolescent boy is embarrassed to gawk at a scantily-clad woman, perhaps porn will help him to learn about his urges, or perhaps it will encourage him to objectify women. How the porn is presented and its content will likely affect which. If a man in a committed monogamous relationship consumes porn, perhaps porn will serve to de-stress him and release some sexual tension, or perhaps porn will encourage dissatisfaction with his relationship. Again, the context within his relationship in which he uses porn and and the kind of porn he consumes will play a role.

It is meaningless to simplify porn as bad or good, rather we should seek to understand this new component of our culture with an interest in personally reconciling our own behavior.

I have tried to analyze some of the complications related to porn use and the discussion surrounding it while trying to avoid inserting too many of my own personal values. Borrowing language from Freud, but using the terms somewhat figuratively, the desire for porn reminds us of the internal struggle between the id and the superego. Our individual wants with respect to sex, as well as other cravings, may inherently conflict with regulations encouraged by our society and our close companions.

How individuals deal with balancing their desires against what they know to be the desires of others with whom they interact is deeply personal. More than simple and sweeping solutions, a healthy interaction with others (including porn-performers) requires honesty, introspection, and communication about why we engage in certain activities and whether we personally find them acceptable in the context of our own relationships.

Originally appeared at The Good Men Project in partnership with Elephant Journal.

Josh Merel is a PhD candidate with research focus in computational neuroscience at Columbia University. Outside of neuroscience, he has broad ranging interests spanning robotics, literature, philosophy, society and most everything else. Find out more about his research here.

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10 Reasons Not To Give Up On Sex After Menopause

Healthy sex lives aren't just for young couples. Menopause is inevitable for us ladies. And we always think that you should never give up on your sexuality, including after menopause! While there are many changes, there are also many ways to embrace your age and realize that sex is not over. Beyond reaching hot cougar status, menopause can be an exciting new experience in our lives. GetLusty's Lynn Olejniczak provides 10 reasons why you shouldn't worry.

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It’s going to happen. Someday the woman you are, or the woman you love will go through menopause. The good news is, this isn’t Logan’s Run. (You are old enough to know what Logan’s Run is, right?) And the better news is that sex can be better after the change of life. You are probably wondering how that can be. 

#1 No more periods

Hurray! No more periods! Think of all the money you'll be saving by not buying feminine hygiene products, you can put those funds towards a monthly sex store trip. OK, you will probably need a moment or two of mourning for the loss of your period. Go ahead. We will wait... Hurray! No periods!

#2 No more baby worries

No periods = no babies. You are free to frolic any week or day of the month that you like. This also means no more birth control; no pills, no IUD, no diaphragm, no sponge, no spermicide. Though you still have to consider STDs and even more STDs like every other couple, you don't have to worry about that little thing called pregnancy.

#3 There's a pill for that

Some doctors may prescribe short-term estrogen therapy to ease the discomfort associated with menopause. This “easing” of the emotional roller coaster associated with menopause can help maintain the sex drive for a while. The use of testosterone is now being examined to not only ease that emotional ride but has a side effect of boosting the sex drive.

#4 Past, present, and future

Chances are if you enjoyed an active libido before menopause, it probably won’t change that much after. We aren’t saying it won’t change at all. But so many factors related to a woman’s sexuality are psychological. In short, if you are in a good place, you will stay there.

#5 Get more intimate

Not feeling frisky? How about some good ol' fashioned intimacy, a more sensual sex session? Alternatively, maybe a loving, sensual massage? Menopause may increase the desire for a different kind of intimacy: longer morning cuddles, more foreplay, flirting, touching, PDA’s may become the happy little keys on your chain. Go ahead, jingle them.

#6 Get your lube on!

The hard truth is, menopausal women will experience some vaginal dryness. As you've heard from one of our favorite sexologists, Megan Stubbs before, "wetter is better." Lubricants are the sure fire way to relieve this issue. If you have never had to use a lubricant in the past, don’t be afraid to now. Today’s water-based lubes have come a long way from sticky gels. Aside from providing the needed moisture, they enhance the experience, and make it more comfortable. So you can still have marathon sex, as long as no one’s back gives out. For more information on lube, feel free to check out our Lube 101 article!

#7 Free to be

Nothing will make one reassess their body image like menopause. Changes are happening, you cannot deny that. Obviously, a proper diet and frequent exercise are important, but accepting certain changes and being happy with who you are goes a long way. When you are happy with who you are, you will be happy before and after menopause. Enjoy your body; and get naked more often! After all, you should love your naked body.

#8 Reaching the peak

Dryness, thinning of vaginal walls and hormone changes are all contributing factors to a change in sexual pleasure. Even though nightly multiple orgasms are replaced by nightly attempts at orgasm, do not despair. Look at this as an opportunity to try new things! Toys that stimulate the clitoris, positions, and oral sex (including cunnilingus) can be lovely ways to vary the experience.

#9 You are wise; aged like a fine wine

Simply put: you know what you want. The beauty of a woman of a certain age is that she has learned what she wants. Women don’t hit their sexual peak at 18, they grow with every experience. Menopause isn’t a surprise, but having the confidence to meet it head on can be empowering. Both in bed and out.

#10 Change brings you closer together

Unless you are Demi Moore or Hugh Hefner, the odds are that your partner is of the same generation. If you're going through menopause, your partner will be experiencing their own performance changes. By showing understanding and patience as your sexuality matures you are only strengthening the relationship as you enter this phase. Being able to navigate this new road with someone who knows your body can provide priceless comfort.

Women are sexual, even after menopause comes knocking. Hello? Have you seen what Sophia Loren looks like these days? There is no reason not to continue being sexual. Embracing this next level of experience; its ups, its downs, its hots, its colds, adds another level to life. A life of many levels is a life well lived.

Lynn Olejniczak is a native Chicagoan who loves her city and everything it has to offer. She spent 10 years as a NASDAQ trader in Chicago and New York in the 90's, then went back to college when "the rules changed and I realized no one was going to pay me lots of money to swear at them anymore."

She loves good food, and a perfectly poured Guinness at any Irish pub in the city. Her Beastie Boys CD's rest comfortably next to her Misfits vinyl, and she believes Underground Garage is the best radio program known to humankind. Armed with degrees in History, and a love of Urban Planning, Lynn is currently writing and researching a book on the 80's Chicago bar scene. Get in touch with Lynn at editorial@getlusty.com.

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