Your Parents are Sexual, Get Over It

Why is the word sex so taboo? We've heard from others in the sex education space who've had troubles for talking about sex. Our friend Ducky Doolittle was kicked off Constant Contact because they talked about putting an end to domestic violence. Cindy Gallop, founder of MakeLoveNotPorn, sought funding far and wide to fulfill her dream of changing porn for the better. We were kicked out of Chase banking for talking about sex. What's the big deal? Our favorite husband, Tommy Allen, is back again to talk about why sex (shouldn't be but) is a three letter word.

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I've been admonished on more than one occasion when the subject got anywhere near the birds and the bees not to go there. From what I was told, it is pretty embarrassing to get anywhere near that subject. For folks of any age--but especially parents--sex is a taboo subject.

What I can't understand is how any of us even got here. Obviously, no one's parents ever participated in any activities that resembles what nature provided for the propagation of our species. Ask anyone and they'll tell you they can't imagine their parents ever doing such a thing. I guess it's the miracle of virgin birth.

I do find it strange, however, that out in the real world the other living creatures seem to have attached no social stigma to the act of reproduction. There are many species that do form and live in pair bonds for their lifetime. So there is some type of relationship upon which they decide to create and raise their offspring.

But we humans, thanks to the keepers of our conscience, the religious and the pious, have placed such reproach upon what nature has provided for us, that it's only with shame and embarrassment can we discuss the natural facts of life.

I'm a believer in the assumption that people will do the right thing if given the opportunity. I think that by our very nature we desire to live within the framework of what's right and wrong. And I understand that is contrary to other popular beliefs.

It's when we make things that are naturally right and wrong, we create an inconsistency that causes physical, emotional and psychological contradictions. And that's when things start to go awry and the whole process becomes perverted.

So it may be time to admit that your parents did not find you in a cabbage patch, however hard that is for you to believe.

Cross posted with permission from Tommy Allen's blog.

Speaking of parents having sex, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker' by December 1st. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty.

Tommy Allen is our favorite husband of over three decades! He now shares his ideas with other couples to help with their success. How great! Tommy has been happily married for 34 years and together he and his wife have three grown sons. He is a student of life and love. He loves to learn by watching, listening and observing others. He uses his blog to share his observations on life, love, and relationships. Love is Tommy's favorite subject. He and his wife have lived and loved and loved and loved some more in Daytona Beach for more than 18 years. Want more from Tommy? Check out his blog!

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Art vs. Porn: What's the Difference?

At any given day in GetLusty office, you'll either see us chatting about porn or art, or maybe even both. Erotica. We're no stranger to our human craving for porn, but our favorite is feminist porn (have you seen our favorite porn stars? Or maybe our top feminist porn site recommendations? Oh, my!). But we've given much thought to where art begins and where porn ends. What is pornography, anyway? Well, GetLusty sex positive thinker Nadine Thornhill, of course, comes to the rescue. Read on as Nadine talks about the fine line between art and pornography.

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This week I’ve been enjoying an e-mail exchange with Canadian, Muskoka-based Beverly Hawksley, an artist who wrote asking for my thoughts about where one draws the line between art versus pornography.

As a photographer who occasionally does fine art nudes, I am wondering where and how the line is drawn between porn and erotic fine art. Yes, I know – depends on the audience. But there must be some informal rules – what galleries are willing to display and what crosses the arbitrary line defining what is considered ‘respectable’ art for public display and that considered ‘indecent’.

As I told Hawksley, I’m a fan of both fine art and porn but have nothing resembling authority on either subject. It’s hard for me to speak to what distinctions fine art society does and/or should make. But I can tell you what I think. So this post may include some small sprig of knowledge but that’s just garnish for the main course – a generous portion of Nadine And Her Random Opinions About Stuff.

Regarding pornographic film, the Ontario Film Board defines pornography or “adult sex films” as a film that has, as its main object, the depiction of explicit sexual activity. Those films are distributed with a special porn identification sticker. And that, gentle readers, is the extent of my knowledge about what defines porn. Time to get opinionated!

Maybe I can draw a similar line between fine art and pornographic images. Porn are explicit photos of people engaged in sexual activity. Full frontal boners, lubricated fingers in places…and so on. Meanwhile artistic images are more discreet. Nudity but no erections or penetration. There may be implications but in reality there’s no actual sex happening during the shoot. Hm.

But I don’t love that distinction. Like I said, I know nothing of photography or art. But I do know I’ve seen what I’d consider artfully realized pornographic film. And while I accept the practicality of a film board rating to restrict age and alert the consumer to the content – it also irks me that a well crafted movie forfeits inclusion as part of “art ” because it shows people having actual sex. Similarly it seems kind of sex-negative to define a photograph as porn-not-art simply because the subjects are getting it on. So in the words of Winnie The Pooh, "Think, think, think."

Perhaps a distinction based on skill. But I’ve been lucky enough to work with some pretty kick-ass photographers. I imagine most of them could take a picture of two people engaged in explicitly sexy things that would be a hundred times more artful than any photo I might snap of a more modest scene. In fact Hawksley himself sent me a beautiful photo of a woman performing fellatio. We opted not to post it at the model’s request, but it was a striking image. It was also reasonably modest, with only the subjects’ hair and limbs visible. Yeah, but…

Separating art from pornography by saying the former requires skill, still kind of implies that the latter is inherently less good and less valuable. I fully concede that porn is not something that everyone enjoys or wants to see. But so are some of the world’s great works of art. No, I don’t think that porn becomes art simply by virtue of being provocative and controversial. But where I’m landing on this question right now, is that there is no line. For me at least. This gal’s opinion is that pornographic images, like any other creative endevour run the gamut from mindless dreck to artistic genius. As for which works fall into what category, there will probably never be consensus. With art there almost never is. I for one am happy to include the type of porn that I find beautiful in my every-woman definition of fine art.

Now--enough of my opinion! I know some of you picture takin’, art makin’ probably know a lot more about this subject than I do. Is there a line between porn and erotic art? Where do you think it lies? Whether you’re a respository of knowledge, chock full of opinions or bothI’m eager to hear what you think!

The two pictures are just a few of Beverly Hawksley's art pieces. This piece cross posted with permission from Nadine Thornhill's blog.

Help end boring sex and enter to win a LELO Tiani 2 courtesy of SheVibe. What do you need to do? Just 'Like' GetLusty on Facebook by December 1st! Have you followed us on Twitter yet? We're @getlusty there. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, too!

This is a guest post by Nadine Thornhill. We're very excited to announce Nadine will start writing regularly for GetLusty.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy.

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on the Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest.

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What is Sex Negativity?

At GetLusty for Couples, we're all about being sex positive for many reasons. Most of all--when you talk about having great sex with your spouse--it ends up getting better! Well, Nadine Thornhill, our lovely "north of the border" sex educator (she's from Canada, eh), is here to first talk about and explain sex-negativity, the opposite of sex positivity. We've talked frequently about sex positive Facebook pages and YouTube channels. We've also talked more broadly on sex positivity, but let's take a look at its opposite; sex negativity. Why is it so important to stay positive? Hopefully, we will all become a lot less sex-negative after her series on these two philosophies!

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I was facilitating a session on sex-positivity last weekend, when something occurred to me: I’ve never written a post about sex-positivity. That’s a pretty big oversight on my part considering the I bandy the term around these parts with gleeful abandon.

Sex-positivity is a philosophy I saw being modeled at the Ottawa sex shop institution, Venus Envy. It was an attitude towards sex that I admired and sought to emulate. It wasn’t until did my training at PPO that I learned it was an entire social movement with its own name and everything!

Sex positivity has and continues to change my ideas about people, choice and the role sex plays in our lives. It influences everything I do as a sex educator. For me it’s a big, life-altering idea – one that’s too massive to cover in one post, so this will be the first in a series of two. I’ve named them Sex Posivity For Beginners, since I’m still near the start of the learning curve myself.

Sex positivity came about in opposition to a philsophy known as sex negativity. In my opinion sex negativity is pretty unawesome but I  need to start there, so that’s mostly what this post will be about.

What is sex negativity?

Sex negativity is based on an assumption that sex and sexual pleasure are inherently harmful, immoral and dangerous or a sacred experience that can and should be possessed. Sex negativity requires that sexual desire be largely ignored and suppressed except under specific circumstance like a marriage or for the purposes of procreation. It assumes that there are morally superior/inferior sexual orientations, gender expressions and social constructs. For example, in our society monogamous, heterosexual, and cisgender people are typically given more privilege and experience greater approval than people who are poly, queer and/or trans.

Sex-negativity also posits that there are right and wrong, or at least better or worse kinds of sex. In a sex-negative framework the where, when, why and with whom of what constitutes better vs. worse sex are meant to apply to pretty much everyone without regard for personal desires or circumstances.

Specific social sanctions around sex have relaxed over time but as a whole our society is still pretty sex-negative. Sometimes, so am I. I’ve been influenced by sex-negativity my whole life. And even though I’ve discovered this rad new sex-positive philosophy, I haven’t become some radically enlightened, different person with a different brain. I still accept and perpetuate sex negative thinking, often without realizing I’m doing it. I’ve tried to become more aware of my own sex-negative attitudes but it’s definitely an ongoing process.

Something I have noticed is the way situations involving sex are often evaluated very differently from similar situations where sex is not a factor. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Lying vs. Cheating

This happens: Reese is married. Reese enjoys shopping but isn’t always completely honest about what was bought or how much money was spent. Society says: It’s not ideal. Still, people fudge the truth about money all the time. Reese’s partner shouldn’t end the marriage over it. They should work it out.

Meanwhile (cheating)


This happens: Jordan is married. One day at an office party, Jordan flirts with a co-worker and they wind up making out. Society says: What a douche! Trust has been irrevocably broken. Jordan’s partner is totally justified in leaving this terrible marriage.

Illness vs. STIs

This happens: Sam gets the flu after sharing a big bowl of popcorn with a friend who had the flu.

Society says: We hope Sam feels better soon. The flu sucks but what can you do? Sharing food is normal. These things happen.

Meanwhile (STIs)


This happens: Alex contracts chlamydia after having sex with a friend who had chlamydia.

Society says: Alex has an sexually transmitted infection. How embarrassing! And gross! Alex is probably so ashamed but too bad. These are the risks you take when you have sex.

Straight vs. Queer

This happens: A man and a woman are sitting on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss on the lips.

Society says: That’s nice. If the children have questions, their parents will probably offer some simplified explanation like “those people are in love,” with age-appropriate answers to any follow-up questions. This will make everyone happy…especially the children.

Meanwhile (queer)

This happens: Two people of the same gender on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss.

Society says: Inappropriateness! Now the children will ask questions! Queer people are only defined by the type of sex they have, so we can’t possibly explain what just happened without opening a big Pandora’s box of sexual orientation and activity. That couple have no right to be smooching here! It’s confusing for the children! WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Bankers vs. Hookers

This happens: Pat needs money to live. Pat works as a mortgage broker at the bank. Pat has no particular love of money or financial transactions but they are good at it. Pat does not feel any strong connection to clients when processing their mortgage applications.

Society says: Pat is a responsible, productive member of society. Being paid to do math is totally respectable. Working in a bank is fine, even when you don’t love it. Pat’s gotta do what Pat’s gotta do.

Meanwhile (hookers)

This happens: Sal needs money to live. Sal works as a prostitute in a brothel. Sal does not have great passion for every client but is sexually skilled. Sal does not form strong emotional connections with clients after having sex with them.

Society says: Sal is an amoral, destructive member of society. No self-respecting person would ever accept money for sex. Having sex with someone without any significant emotional investment is soul-destroying. Sal is all scarred and damaged, yo!

Friends vs. Lovers

This happens: Jesse is very socially active and has many friends. Jesse friends are a diverse lot. Jesse enjoys playing baseball with some friends, attends a monthly book club with an entirely different group of friends and next month Jesse’s going to Florida with some pals from college. Everyone involved is aware that Jesse has lots of friends. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Have fun, Jesse! (Society does NOT cite the increased risk of contracting a communicable disease as reason for Jesse to have fewer friends or social interactions!)

Meanwhile (lovers)

This happens: Sidney is sexually active and has several partners. Sidney’s partners are a diverse lot. Sidney enjoys frequent sex with a cute co-worker and recently hooked up with someone at a party. Sidney also has a fuck buddy in another city and they connect a couple times a year. Everyone involved is aware that Sidney has multiple sex partners. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Too much sex, Sid! You’re being kind of slutty. And by slutty we mean dirty and bad. (Sid will likely get an earful about promiscuity and an increased risk of contracting an STI.)

Your personal reaction to any of these scenarios may be different from the "society says." Not every person in our society is sex negative, nor is everyone sex negative all the time. But generally speaking there is an assumption situations involving sex will be problematic, and we attribute those problems to the inherent “wrongness” of sex. And yes, sex can be risky and/or have negative consequences. But are those risks unique to sex? Are those negative outcomes because of our attitudes about sex or because of the sex itself?

Enter sex positivity!

Sex positivity defines sex as fundamentally healthy and a potentially positive human drive. It still places sanctions/boundaries on sexual activity – namely informed consent. And it also acknowledges that sex may not a positive experience for everyone or that some people choose not to participate or even have a desire for sex.

But sex positivity tends to emphasize pleasure, personal agency and individual expression as important elements of sex. Sex positivity doesn’t rank sexual activities in terms of their “rightness” or “wrongness”. It’s a lot about honoring people’s individual desires and respecting the sexual choices people make.

And there’s more. Much, much more! As I said, I’m a beginner myself. I’m only starting to get a sense of how sex-positivity challenges many of my assumptions about sexuality and how that in turn will affect my work and my life. But I am a full-on, sex-positivity fan-girl!

In the next post, I will write more specifically about what sex-positivity is and ways I’ve learned of putting the theory into practice. Stay tuned!

This was originally posted on Adorkable Undies.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy.

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest.

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