The 50 Shades of a BDSM Contract

So you're curious about BDSM. You've done a little whipping. Maybe you want to try something a little more edgy. Remember, this article comes from the dominant/ Master perspective. In this case, Master Gothos signs a contract (or agreement) with his submissives. If or when you create your own contracts, they likely will look a lot different. Jean-Luc educates on the importance of BDSM contracts.

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So you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey. You've either convinced your husband or boyfriend that you want a dominant/submissive component to your relationship. Or maybe they've come to you saying that they want to add this component to your relationship. You remember in the Fifty Shades, there was a contract and tell them you want one.

What we're reviewing

Here, we're go over what a real dominant/submissive or BDSM contract looks like. Keeping in mind that this is just one way of doing this sort of thing, and that there are many different kinds of contracts for scene play. We are just going to cover the basic concepts of the dominant/ submissive contract.


A note on safety 

A couple notes of safety here. Only do this with partners you trust and have a good solid relationship with, money should never be part of this process. Contracts are an expansion of a relationship that wants to take a more committed track and contracts normally include a permanent collar. At least in my opinion, but then I like Oreos and chocolate milk at the same time. I’m crazy like that.

Why a contract?

Ok so the first thing you should have in your contract, and just like in the book. It should list all of your hard limits. I think of these as the, 'not in a fucking million years' or, 'for any amount of money ever' limits. You should know your limits and what you do and don’t like. For me, I draw the line with knife play, golden showers, needle play, or anything that involves blood. This is why communication is so very important in the dominant/submissive relational dynamic. You have to be completely open and honest about what turns you on and what turns you off.

Decide what you like

The next thing listed in the contract should be your likes, wants, desires, and things you might be curious about. So if you enjoy being tied up and hung from the ceiling and used as a pinata of sexual pleasure, that should be in the contract. As should any expectations you have for your Dom. This will be the rare time you can and should be talking freely as equals. Nothing should be left unsaid during this time.

Now, the contract will also have all the expectations that your dominant will have for you. Personally, I have some big expectations that I include in the contracts that I have issued in the past. So I’ll use a past contract as an example. I’m a strong believer in the K.I.S.S. concept of life. Keep It Super Simple. I despise the word stupid hence the modified version.

A sample contract

So here is an example of what you might expect if you were to enter into a contract with me. Also I tend to enjoy having domestic submissives, so this contract will reflect that (as I’m terrible with house work). Also, because this is consensual either party can end a contact at anytime.

The contract

You are hereby entering into a contracted dominant/submissive relationship. All expectations will be met or punishment will be given out. This relationship can be ended by either party at anytime.

The Submissive's Obligations

#1 You will be available to me at all times.
#2 You will be active in keeping yourself healthy with Diet and Exercise.
#3 You will maintain the house as described and directed by me.
#4 You will maintain contact with me during the day, and you will check in with me if you will be late getting home. This part is important and I will explain more here in a bit.
#5 You will have dinner ready at exactly the same time every night unless I have said otherwise.

Submissive Hard Limits

It would be here that the submissive would list all of his or her hard limits and the things they won’t do as far as sex play and kink.

This next half of the contract would explain the expectations that the Submissive would have of his or her dom(me). This would also be where the dom(me) would list their hard limits and those acts they won’t be taking part in.

Now a couple of notes, this is a living document it can be adjusted as needed by either person. I have a very hard line when it comes to my subs. I expect them to be home when I get home, and I expect them to be waiting by the door as I generally tend to be home the same time every night. I also tend to lean towards domestic submissives as I’ve mentioned earlier, I’m terrible with housework. My mind is normally on other things and it’s normally an afterthought because I’m so distracted by other things. So most of my contracts tend to reflect that aspect.

A note on the contract

I take contracts very seriously, because it’s a written agreement. Although I don’t take it this far, there are some Dom(me)s that will have contracts notarized as legal documents. I have always believed that if you have gotten to the point you want to make the commitment of a contract, you have built up a very strong trust of each other so there is no need to take it to that extreme.

A word on the dominant in this contract (AKA me)

My contracts come with a collar and a promise to take care of my submissives. Although a lot of people have been saying otherwise, I believe submission is a gift to the Dom and that it should be respected as such.

I hope this article has given you a glimpse into what you can expect from a dominant/submissive contract. Please feel free to leave your comments below, tweet me, message me on Fetlife, or you can read my other thoughts on sex and sexuality on my blog, Mindchaotica.com. In the meantime make sure you keep it Lusty!

Jean-Luc Gothos is our resident pansexual geek. He's founder on Mindchaotica. He is also very active on Twitter, Facebook, G+, and Tumblr. I’m also a writer for Life On The Swingset, Kink~E Magazine, and he also reviews sex toys on EdenFantasys and writes for their sex positive online publication SexIs Social.

Have a question, comment or concern about this article? Please feel free to comment below.

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Humiliation Play 101: What Is It, Anyway?

When most people think of BDSM and dominance, they think of spanking, whips, and pain. There's another side to BDSM that has nothing to do with pain play – humiliation play. It's the erotic pleasure of servitude and obedience to a Dominant partner. To some, it might seem abusive, but as along as there is clear communication and set boundaries, it is always consensual. Technogeisha of Life in the Swingset gives some insight into the eroticism of humiliation.

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In the realm of BDSM it can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian. Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced Dominatrix (Dom) I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release, and it all starts with the words, “Are you my dirty whore?”

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words – in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words, “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do. Tell me not to do, say, or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become erotic. These words, strongly delivered, are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Master complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter. I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind-fuck.

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle, not to dominate. The Dom, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and a good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into a variety of verbal and physical forms. Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or having your appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing the Submissive (Sub) to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the Sub, either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross-dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear a collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. As in open relationships, Communication is very important when multiple partners are involved. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the Dominance/submission (D/s) relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the Dom/Top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other. Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself, but your play partner as well. The sub tells the Dom what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual. Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward.

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner. Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori, plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliation at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons. Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Cross posted with permission from Life on the Swing Set.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

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Top 14 Traits of a Dominant

Do you know what it takes to be a dominant? Exchanging power in a relationship can both highten your awareness of power, and can make you both appreciate each other. Why not try out a little bit of dominance or role play? Not familiar with BDSM yet? No worries! Here are a few articles that will get you all caught up: Negotiation 101 and Getting Started with BDSM. Master Anakin, from Journey to the Darkside, defines 14 traits of a dominant partner.

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#1 Responsible 

You have to be responsible for yourself and for your submissive. You're the one responsible for developing a plan to move both of you forward in submission- a plan to grow.

#2 Energetic 

You've got to be action oriented, the opposite of lazy. You need to be tireless, or else when you have a spanking to deal with at the end of an 18 hour day, well, you've failed yourself and your submissive. Follow through or forget it.

#3 Communicative 

Be honest about your feelings. Don't give the submissive the sunshine and roses line if you're in a bad mood and are disappointed in her submission. You've got to also be able to draw out the submissive's innermost feelings, fears and hopes.

This can be extremely difficult, as the submissive can sometimes be completely unaware of their own feelings, as you can be of yours. Dig deep and be honest and you'll grow.

#4 Empathetic 

If you can't empathize with your submissive, to see things from their perspective, than how can you give them what they want and need? You must talk at length to know them better than they know themselves.

#5 Self-awareness

A Dominant is hardly perfect, and will make mistakes- don't think otherwise. Be aware of your failings, and work on them just as much as you work on your submissive's feelings. Grace and humility go a long way.

#6 Perseverance 

You must never, ever let it go; this goes hand in hand with consistency; you can't fight your submissive for three days to achieve a level of submission then just give up. You've got to push until you get a breakthrough no matter how long it takes. You can't give up or give your submissive the sense that you will ever give up in doing what is best for you both.

#7 Desire to learn

As a Dominant, you never just wake up and know it all as an instant expert on dominance, submission, implements of pain and pleasure, positions, knots, and the lifestyle. You have got to learn. Learn lots, and never ever bluff that you know it all; nobody does.

#8 Intelligence 

You need to have the emotional intelligence and raw intellect to be smarter than your submissive, at least the majority of the time. If the submissive can play you for a fool, how can you be the teacher and guide in life?

#9 Strength 

You've got to have the strength of will and leadership qualities to overcome the difficulties that always, always come your way in being a Dominant. Own them and deal with them with this strength.

#10 Interest

You've got to want to be a dominant. In my opinion, without desire or a hunger to be someone's dominant, you aren't a dom. Unless you are wanting it, you wont put in the time to learn and grow as a Dominant; to follow through on all you need to do; you'll resent it, and you won't do it well.

#11 Character  

A general quality but important nevertheless. You must have honesty, integrity, and be respectful of others at all times. If you do not then how can you expect your submissive to show you any integrity and character? How will they learn?

#12 A sense of humor 

If you can't laugh at yourself when you've just given a dominant look to your submissive and are approaching your submissive with the paddle in hand when you slip and fall on your ass from the KY you spilled on the floor, well, you just don't get it.

#13 A sense of justice, fairness, and balance 

Being a Dominant isn't barking orders and sitting on your ass eating chips while watching the game. You work hard too, harder than your submissive. If your submissive has had a day from hell, maybe it isn't the day to start a new and harsh training regimen. Knowing when to ease up is a true art; do it too much, or never, and you'll not be doing your job.

#14 Consistent

If you'll punish something one time and let it go another, what's a submissive supposed to think, or learn, or do? I'd be lost too if I didn't know what to expect day to day.

This was a guest-post from Anakin and Padme Amidala at Journey to the Dark Side. Their blog explores their life together, BDSM, erotic imagery, polyamory, and their true sexual and spanking adventures...with an awesome Star Wars theme! Anakin and Padme have been together for 15 years and married for 7 of them.

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5 Rules for Mixing Food & Sex

Glorious, glorious food! And mixing them--it can be so lovely! But are there limits? Is there a way to make it super hot and actually possible at the same time? Yes, indeed there are! Think about it. Remember the refrigerator scene from 9 1/2 Weeks? That was hot! Our resident sexual adventurer and writer, Lynn Olejniczak, is back with her top recommendations on ways to get hot and steamy with sultry food play.

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It sounds like such a great idea. Your favorite person in the bedroom and your favorite food from the kitchen. What could go wrong? Unfortunately, plenty. But before you put the whipped cream back in the fridge, let’s go over that food pyramid. After all, there are some things that just shouldn’t be on the menu.

Not hot enough to burn

It sounds nice – drizzling warm chocolate, honey, or caramel over your lover’s body parts and licking it off but you have to take caution. Chances are this idea is going to pop into your head quickly. You are going to run to the microwave and zap the viscous fluid for 60 seconds, and run back to pour it onto your partner. Not a good idea. Microwaves cook at different temperatures and have hot spots. What may feel comfortable on the liquid’s surface could very well be hot lava below. Even worse, sticky foods stick. If it is too hot it will stick and burn. It will only take 5 seconds for something at 140ºF to cause a 3rd degree burn. That isn’t sexy, or fun.

If you want to incorporate hot fudge into your play you should heat it indirectly. Put it in a container and then put the container into warm water. Yes this will take longer but it is better than sitting in the emergency room with a burning crotch. How do you dress for that trip?

Watch the salt

Barbeque sauce, ketchup, marinara, hot sauce; some people wouldn’t think of bringing these into the bedroom, but other people look at it as a feast! These condiments have a crazy amount of salt. I’m not here to tell you to watch your diet but to watch where you put these things. If your partner just shaved, had a wax, or has a small cut where you want to spread this on it, the screaming you hear may be for all the wrong reasons.

Salt in a wound dissolves. The body’s receptors don’t like that and the wound tissue reacts by becoming hypertonic. This is where the pain comes from. Capsaicin in hot sauce will do the same thing. Even if you don’t have a wound, be careful not to rub your eyes or touch your partner’s face when going hot and salty.

If you want to go this route have water close by (just in case) and find out when your partner last shaved or waxed before applying. Use it a little at a time as opposed to covering a larger area, and I would probably think twice before heating salty things up.

Eating

Food is yummy. But if you want to eat something off of, or out of, your lover try to keep track of it. Obviously temperature and salt content still applies but say you want to spread strawberry preserves between your lover’s thighs and lick it out. Sounds great, but if you can’t get it all out make sure she can. Nothing is worse than getting something stuck inside of you. Diaphragms, the sponge, tampons have a string, band, or lip to grab for removal. That piece of melon does not. Douching offers no guarantee for removal either.

A good rule to follow is to make sure whatever you spread or insert is water soluble or pretty close to it. Make sure you can see everything you are using and remember if you push it too far with your tongue you might have a problem. Gravity could be helpful if something gets “lost” but if you can’t seem to recover that honey dew, get to the E.R.. You’re probably not the first person they have seen in this situation.

Time

Food begins its degeneration, or spoiling process once it is no longer refrigerated. This goes for lettuce as well as meat. Not that you are reaching for radicchio when you want to get it on. Or maybe you are, who am I to judge? Point is - fruits and veggies can spoil and cause food poisoning. Often this will come from pathogens being transferred to the food from a knife or other utensil, so be sure everything you use is clean. But keep an eye on your watch. Most doctors will agree that anything left out after two hours has the potential for more harm than good.

So about that meal you began before you lost control of yourself, and skipped straight to "dessert". If your love making lasted two hours or so, that filet mignon is toast. You’re better off clearing the dishes and ordering in. This goes for the brie and fig jam from your holiday buffet table after the guests have gone home. And yes, you have to dump the fresh whipped cream you put out at the coffee station. Sorry.

Mess

Finding a lost earring between the bed and the headboard weeks after you thought it was gone forever is a bonus. It will probably also trigger some pretty happy memories. Yea! Good for you. Finding a shmear of cream cheese at the foot of the bed days after playing deli-guy-and-out-of-towner is just gross. If you are going to use food just clean up afterwards. If this is something you like to do on a regular basis, maybe have a special set of sheets for the occasion. It is a lot easier to just change the sheets and deal with washing them tomorrow than finding an unpleasant surprise later.

Finding pleasure in foodplay is easy. You also won’t be faced with belly regrets or weird E.R. looks if you are smart about it. There is a bonus here too. When it comes time to clean up you don’t have to do it alone. I’m sure that shower has enough room for both of you. Second course, anyone?

Lynn Olejniczak is a native Chicagoan who loves her city and everything it has to offer. She spent 10 years as a NASDAQ trader in Chicago and New York in the 90's, then went back to college when "the rules changed and I realized no one was going to pay me lots of money to swear at them anymore."

She loves good food, and a perfectly poured Guinness at any Irish pub in the city. Her Beastie Boys CDs rest comfortably next to her Misfits vinyl, and she believes Underground Garage is the best radio program known to humankind. Armed with degrees in History, and a love of Urban Planning, Lynn is currently writing and researching a book on the 80's Chicago bar scene. Get in touch with Lynn at editorial@getlusty.com.

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The History of Foot Fetishism

It seems that people really love feet. It's considered the most common fetish, not only in fantasy, but also in practice. This creates many questions, such as where did it come from? How long has it been around? A cross-cultural historical study shows that this fetish is nothing new. GetLusty staff writer and history lover Matt Stickles takes a look back into history to explore our love of feet.

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Foot fetish is huge! It's everywhere... and always has been, it seems. The fetish can be traced back as far as the ancient Greeks, and it shows up all over the place from then till now. Its popularity isn't really that difficult to understand.

Most of us love having our feet rubbed and pampered, so if someone wants nothing more than to worship your feet, then hell yeah. Go to town. Studies have shown that foot fetishes are the most commonly pursued fetish throughout the world.

Many celebrities and famous figures have come out of the closet, such as F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thomas Hardy, Jay Leno, and even the great Casanova himself. However, just as any other fetish, it's considered to be taboo and weird. If it's so common, then why do we think it's so abnormal? What ever your opinion, the love for feet is nothing new.

The Greeks

The ancient Greeks had no problem expressing their love of feet. In fact, the basic unit of measurement we still use today, the “foot,” is commonly thought to have come from what they considered to be the length of a Goddess's foot. Goddesses drew powers and strength from their feet, in which their second toe was thought to have provided their male powers. Though feet were a source of power for Goddesses, they were still considered a private part of the female anatomy as Greek art depicts virgin Goddesses with their feet covered.

Now back in these days a woman was free to walk around with her breasts exposed, but if she revealed her foot, it was thought of as a blatant sexual advance.

In the Mediterranean

Around the 1st century, feet were still pretty important to cultures around the Mediterranean, and not just in Greece. Washing someone's feet was a huge sign of respect and admiration. Though it is not nearly as sexy as the Greeks' depiction of Goddesses, many accounts of the life of Jesus Christ reference foot washing. Also, washing the feet of house guests and strangers is still a common practice today in many Mediterranean cultures.

Western Europeans, STDs & feet 

Similar to the Greeks, religion was influential on what a woman's sexy foot was supposed to look like. The attractiveness of a woman's foot was based on the Christian belief that all physical characteristics were to be God-like. The poetry of the time reflects that the ideal female foot was white, narrow with high arches and long straight toes. Toe nails were supposed to be long with large white moons on pink pale nail beds.

Back when crusaders were returning from the Holy Land, an array of STDs came back with them. An increase in the amount of foot fetish material is seen during outbreaks of gonorrhea and syphilis.

More recently, evidence shows that there was an increase in foot fetishism during the AIDS epidemic of the early 1990s. In fact, according to one study of 8 pornographic magazines, pictures of bare feet increased explosively. This is not enough information to draw any real conclusions, but it does hint that when penetration is coupled with fear, people seem to be drawn to their feet to fulfill their sexual desires.

The Far East

No nation past or present can compare to the Chinese in their historical love affair with feet. Beginning with the Sung Dynasty, in the 10th century, young girls had their feet bound in order to preserve their daintiness. The Japanese also had their own cultural practice surrounding feet, in which a child of royalty would be carried up to the age of eight or ten as their feet were believed to be too pure to touch the Earth. According to extensive BBC research, "The bound foot was also a symbol of identity and virtue. A bound foot signified that a woman had achieved womanhood, and served as a mark of her gendered identity. The Neo-Confucian thinker Zhu Xi (1130-1200 AD) promoted foot binding in southern Fujian in an attempt to instill in the natives a sense of propriety and chastity." Chasity, indeed!

Feet have long been of cultural importance, whether it was erotic and sexy, or a sign of respect. Soon, we'll be talking more about getting lusty and we'll have more on exactly what is foot fetishism. For now, stay lusty!

Our newest writer is a history, sex and love... lover, Matt Stickles.

Matt is a recent grad from the University of Kansas with Bachelor's degrees in History and Anthropology. Matt currently lives just outside of Chicago. When Matt is not writing and reading articles on GetLusty for Couples, you can catch him getting drinks with friends, reading science fiction, watching the Jayhawks dominate college basketball, or hanging out with Hannah, his Bernese Mountain dog. Have questions, comments or concerns? E-mail him at matt@getlusty.com.

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This Weekend! CineKink Chicago Film Festival

Are you interested in exploring a wide variety of sexuality through film? This weekend, CineKink will showcase sex-positive and kink-friendly films in a two night event. From documentary to drama, camp comedy to hot porn, the films recognize and encourage the positive depiction of sexuality and kink. GetLusty's Milan Weasley explores this exciting film festival in Chicago this weekend!

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CineKink, founded in 2003, celebrates the exploration of sexuality and kink in film and television. CineKink holds an annual film festival in New York City,  celebrating sex positivity and kink in popular culture.

'The Kinky Film Festival' includes a short film competition, audience choice awards, presentations, parties and a gala kick-off fundraiser. This year they will hold the festival in the East Village, throughout Februrary, 2013.  The main theatre of events will be the Anthology Film Archives at 32 Second Avenue. Afterward, they hit the road and tour around the country, and soon it will make its way to Chicago!

Friday, November 16th, will be the first day. At Leather Archives & Museum, 6418 North Greenview, CineKink will screen the Best of CineKink 2012. With films named Petal to Pleasure, Smut Capital of America, What Makes Us Queer, and Tooshie Smooshie, the genres range from campy comedies to documentaries. The films start at 8pm, and afterward guests are invited to stay for snacks.

Saturday, the 17th, the festival returns to Leather Archives & Museum to show four more films opening with Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot at 2pm, and closing with Sirwiñakuy at 9pm.

After Sirwiñakuy, guests are invited to end the evening at The LRA - Chicagoland BDSM Dungeon and Leather Club. We haven't been able to double-verify that all are invited -- members and non-members, but we're assuming that this invitation is also extended to GetLusty for Couples readers, too!

For all you kinky filmmakers who might be interested in submitting short films for 2014, customary topics include, BDSM, leather and fetish, swinging, non-monogamy and polyamory, role-play and gender bending, sex work and sex geekery. As long as your film celebrates sex as a right of self-expression, CineKink will be happy to consider your submission. Call for entries can be found here.

Milan Weasley is one of our first lesbian writers. (Ah! Dykes and dildos!) She spends her days procrastinating grad school and her nights procrastinating everything else. She enjoys writing, gogo dancing, sewing, pole dancing, and defending the Oxford comma. Get in touch with her at milan@getlusty.com.

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The History of Kink

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Our 10 Favorite Feminist Porn Stars

We love porn! If you do too, and we assume you do, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this article, then you need to know about the following women. These aren't any ordinary porn stars. These are our top ten favorite feminist porn stars. GetLusty's Stephanie Kathleen takes a peek into the provocative lives of some incredibly unique feminists.

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#1 Dylan Ryan

The gorgeous and outspoken Ryan began her film career in 2004 at the urging of director and producer Shine Louise Heart. In 2009, she was the recipient of a Feminist Porn Award for Heartthrob of the Year. One of the top stars of the queer porn genre, Ryan strives to make unique and authentic films. Check out her blog, triple-xxx-ploits, to see her recent interview with Tristan Taormino. Also, follow her on Twitter @thedylanryan

#2 Belladonna

Since beginning her career in the adult entertainment industry in 1999, this stunning film star has practically revolutionized the industry. In 2003, she started her own production company, Belladonna Entertainment. She now produces and directs some of the most popular hardcore adult films in the world. We couldn’t possibly omit her from our list of favorites, as she is clearly a badass. Follow her on Twitter @BelladonnaENT

#3 Lily Cade

Though she is somewhat new to the adult film scene, this one-time dominatrix has already made a name for herself. A rising star in the lesbian porn genre, Cade made her directorial debut in 2011 with Art School Dykes. The film was nominated for a Feminist Porn Award. When she’s not busy filming, Cade is an outspoken activist. Yea, she pretty much rocks. Follow her on Twitter @lily_cade

#4 Judy Minx

It’s hard not to love Madame Minx. The French adult film actress is also a sex performer, a sex educator, and a queer/feminist/sex-positive activist…and she’s only 23! Oh, and did we mention she also holds a degree in English? Keep an eye on this porn prodigy, as we’re sure to see a lot more of her in the future. Follow her on Twitter @judyminx

#5 Ela Darling

This former librarian decided to make a major career change three years ago and began starring in lesbian, bondage and fetish porn. Prior to pursuing a career in porn, Darling earned both a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree. We gladly include her among our favorites because we think self-possessed, intelligent porn stars are incredibly sexy. If you don’t believe us, check out her website and see for yourself! Follow her on Twitter @ElaDarling

#6 Bobbi Starr


This pro-sex feminist porn star began her career doing bondage and submission scenes for internet-based companies. We love Ms. Starr’s philosophy when it comes to feminism and porn: “I believe that if women realize that sex is something that is there for them as well, then it is not necessary to hate sex to be a feminist. It is not just pleasurable for one person but is pleasurable for that person's partner as well.” She currently writes, directs and performs for the website Electrosluts, which she created. Check out her work here. Follow her on Twitter @Bobbistarr


#7 April Flores

A star of the BBW scene, April Flores describes herself as “a fearless voluptuous star with scarlet hair, proponent of the queer community, feminist, sex-positive activist, outspoken advocate of body diversity, glamorous art model, avid kink fan, Sub and Dom both, and all around powerful woman.” With numerous magazine covers and modeling appearances to her name, Miss Flores considers herself an activist for positive body image. Visit her website and you’ll quickly see why she made our list of favorites! Follow her on Twitter @Fatty_D

#8 Madison Young

Indie porn pioneer Madison Young considers herself “one of the world’s kinkiest feminists. “Her films are known for exploring the more artistic and authentic aspects of the pornographic experience. She also runs a nonprofit art gallery and performance space, which serves the LGBT and Kink communities. Do yourself a favor and pay a visit to her website. Now! Follow her on Twitter @madisonyoung

#9 Kelly Shibari

Not only is Kelly Shibari a prolific BBW porn actress, she’s also a successful businesswoman with a MENSA-level IQ. She also runs her own PR and social media marketing firm. In short, the woman is driven and she knows what she wants. Through her websites she is revolutionizing the BBW and BDSM genres. Our interview with Kelly is coming out soon. Stay tuned! Follow her on Twitter: Follow her on Twitter @KellyShibari

#10 Maggie Mayhem

As one half of the dynamic duo behind the porn website Meet The Mayhems, Maggie Mayhem is a porn star with an eclectic style. In her words: “When it comes to sex, Maggie identifies as a queer, slutty kinkster. Neither wholly dominant nor submissive Maggie is always on the lookout for wild, adventurous fun with anyone who sparks her interest.” We’re crushing on Maggie not just because of her amazing on-screen talent, but also because of the dedicated work she has done and continues to do in the way of HIV prevention. Check her out! Follow her on Twitter @MsMaggieMayhem

We're excited to have Stephanie Kathleen on as a staff writer! Stephanie has long believed she is a gay man trapped in a woman's body. She is a lover of good food, good sex and good grammar. A recent transplant to Chicago, she spends her free time with her super-duper-fly boyfriend and their three "kids" (2 cats, 1 dog). She has a blog. She's still trying to get the whole Twitter thing down. You can follow her @Vanderfloozie. Want to get in touch with her? E-mail stephanie@getlusty.com.

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The Importance of Safewords

If our past articles on BDSM has raised some interest for you, then make sure your sex play experience is a safe one. Dominance and Submission can be pretty intimidating words, and acting them out has a very intense consequence. So be smart and know what precautions to take. Our local BDSM sex educator, Cherries Jubalie shares some safeword advice for you inexperienced masochists and sadists out there.

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What is a safeword?

Safewords are generally a verbal cue or code when playing in a BDSM scene or situation where the submissive, or "bottom", player needs to indicate the activity has to pause or stop.  There are two main theories of the importance of using safewords.  If you are playing by safe, sane and consensual standards in the kink community, a safeword of some type should be negotiated prior to play or entering into a lifestyle situation.  If you are playing RACK, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink, you may not be using safewords for some more extreme and intense sex play.

How, when and why use safewords?

People can be creative and come up with various verbal cues such as "George Bush" or "Red Hot Chili Pepper" to indicate when they have had enough activity, or need to get the complete attention of the "Top" [people who are playing with them.]  Some community standards for Safewords are the stoplight colors to communicate what state the submissive/bottom is in during a scene.  Red generally means stop or a pause when things are too intense or painful.  Sometimes Yellow is called out to let the Top know that the sub/bottom can take more but are reaching the stop level.  It really depends on the individuals playing and what they have determined to facilitate the sex play.  

People also use non-verbal Safewords in scenes, either in a situation where the sub/bottom is restrained or gagged and can not make a verbal cue.  I have had someone hand me a heavy Master Lock [yes the symbolism is rampant] and if I lost my grip or dropped deliberately the activity would pause.  The Top checked in with me to see if I needed something or was done.

For those people who don't scene or play with safewords there are several reasons for not using them.  Some types of Edgeplay make safewords impractical or the sex play can be unsatisfying for the participants.  If you were in a scene that involved a carefully executed abduction and mock sexual violation, having safewords may take all the fun out of it.  However, with that said, the participants have to agree on no safewords prior to the activities taking place.  There could be more than just consensual ramifications if one partner thought they were going to use safewords and the other did not.  Some of the ways people play in BDSM are at best a grey legal area.  Practicality suggests that having some form of communication and trust that the players all agree to is very important for kinky sex.

What should I do if someone doesn't respect my safeword?

This is a loaded question.  If you like a play partner and want to have a scene with him or her, proper negotiation is important no matter what the scene dynamics are.  If you meet with someone who declares they don't play with safewords and this is the first scene you are doing together, thoroughly self-examine your reasons for wanting to play with this person. Actively communicate your boundaries and have a back up plan such as a safe-call with a friend if you disappear for a few hours, or days.  

One of my recent relationships deepened to the point where we didn't use safewords because of our power dynamic.  I had to trust that he would see my limitations even as we both explored our boundaries.  When we played, we played hard and tragically after five years we had a massive miscommunication and violation of trust that ended the relationship.  As a bottom, it is important to note that it is our responsibility to communicate our limits regardless of whether you play with or without safewords.  That said, at anytime in the relationship, YOU can withdraw consent, but you have to let your partner know it.  The key here is appropriate communication regardless of the power dynamic in Sadism and Masochism, Dominance and Submission, and BDSM. 

I have been to events where respected members of the kink community failed to hear "Red" in a scene, and in one case, deliberately ignored it.  Now under the first circumstance, it could have been the adrenaline or the noise in the dungeon and gossip abounded, but the Dom (Tom) spoke with the play-partner after and apologized. After all, we are human and sometimes make mistakes.  On the second instance, the deliberate continuation was actually part of the scene where the Dom and the Sub agreed to not using the safeword and the bottom was trying to wiggle out of the deal by being a brat.  At this particular event a generalized "Camp Red" would mean that the player really did need the scene to stop, and the rules of the event decreed that all people in the vicinity would step in and see that the activity was stopped because some of the players were too intense.

In general, if you have a reputation as a play partner who does not respect safewords, you wont be getting much play once you have done that to a few people.  If you did use your safeword and the play partner did not heed it, my advice is to follow your instinct and contact professional help.  In public play dungeons, there are protocols to follow.  Contact a Dungeon Monitor or owner of the club and tell them what happened.  If it was a personal violation or distinct violation of consent, contact the proper authorities.  Most of all talk to the play partner and find out what happened.  It could be a miscommunication or a very real crime, but regardless of your status in the scene or relationship, you should always bring it to the attention of the appropriate party.  

Should it matter if we use safewords?

Of course it should matter.  Sex and sex play should be whatever you want it to be.  However, if you have limits or concerns there should be a means of communicating that to your partner.  The choice of using safewords is up to the individual, but before you plan an abduction scene you should play with people you trust and consider finding a means to let your partner know when the scene has gone as far as you want or need it to go.

We talk about "no" meaning NO and "stop" meaning STOP, but when the sex play gets going sometimes we really don't mean no or stop.  A running joke in the kink community is "Ow is not a safeword."  To be honest, for some people that may be considered one, but if we don't communicate that as our boundary to our partner then the sex play will not be fun for anyone.

Having been a Dungeon Monitor on many occasions, there have been instances in which I have had to go on instinct when I saw an intense scene.  As a Dungeon Monitor, I have to trust that things are okay regardless of how extreme or intense the play gets.  But whether or not you are at a public dungeon, or just trying out some "50 Shades" in the bedroom, acknowledging a limit with a means of communication through a safeword system is having smart sex.  If you choose not to have one, then make sure all parties involved know that, and that you are playing with people you trust not to harm you.  Most of all, make sure you know that this is truly just play. Make sure you and your partners are all on the same page.

Ms. CherriesJubalie is a unique Burlesque performance artist and active member of the Chicago Leather Community.  She is a sex-positive educator and travels the country to present at local and national lifestyle events, art shows, and charity balls.  A sex-positive enigma, she has appeared on NBC's America's Got Talent where censors determined her "ass is too dangerous for Prime Time TV."  She has appeared in independent films such as Dracula's Orgy of the Damned and the soon to be released Dark Realm, and is a featured performer on Kink.com's HogTied.  An internationally known Shibari Rope Artist and fetish model, you can see her in Germany's Bondage Magazine and on the cover of books like Sacred Kink. She is a new contributor to GetLusty.com and we look forward to more of her unique perspectives on sexuality.

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