Why Do We Lie?

What's the opposite of a little white lie? Everyone fibs a little bit here and there. But why do we lie? Or outright not tell the truth? GetLusty's favorite therapist couple, Drs. Chuck and Jo Ann Bird, are here to talk about why we lie. 

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We all do it. According to some scientific surveys — and some studies pioneered by psychologist Paul Ekman, an innovator in the study of the relationship between people’s emotions and their facial expressions — most people will tell an average of three lies in a typical 10-minute conversation.

We like to categorize them, so we can rationalize them. Little white lies, the ones we tell our parents when we don’t want to visit them or the ones we tell our bosses when we want to play hooky, are the most common ones. Sure, honey, I got the oil changed — then you get up early the next morning and get it done. These lies are every day lies, and whenever we tell them, we usually end up working a little harder than we need to in order to keep them under wraps.

Then there are the big lies, the nuclear lies, that we take more seriously. For couples, these lies are usually about affairs, past sexual partners or even medical conditions. These are the kinds of lies that can end a relationship. But why do we do it? Why is it that so many of us seem to have a reasonably casual relationship with the truth?

In our experience, the primary culprit seems to be self-esteem. We want our partners to have a positive image of us, so when we are challenged on something that might make us seem less than perfect — like forgetting to get the oil changed in the car — we lie about it to maintain a better image for ourselves. That’s why, many times, we won’t think twice about deceiving our partners, because we feel it is important to our relationships to maintain that facade. The greater the threat to our self-esteem, the greater the lies. The things we hide can become more dramatic — they could include the ex-girlfriend who was a drug addict or the former boyfriend who was abusive.

We also lie out of convenience, because we may not want to go 10 rounds over forgetting to get the oil changed. The purpose is to maintain order in our personal lives by avoiding smaller conflicts whose impact might be to simply ruin an evening. It also helps us avoid insults and discord, but the real issue is not the lie, but why there would be insults or discord as a result of simply telling the truth.

This is where we get into the yin and the yang of lies, because while we can all nod our heads and agree in concept that dishonesty is bad, we also have to recognize our own behaviors that may actually wind up training our partners to lie to us.

When faced with an unpleasant truth, do we react angrily? Worse, do we react violently? Is our automatic default position to head for negativity when an unpleasant truth is offered up by our partners?

If we do, we may very well be training our partner to lie to us, because we are not recognizing the concept that it takes courage to tell a partner an unpleasant truth and that courage should be rewarded. Instead of rewarding them, we may instead find ourselves punishing them by our negative reactions.

So before telling the small lies, ask yourself what you’re really getting in return for the effort. Would the truth really be that bad? Is the truth so horrible that it is worth the integrity of our relationships to hide it? And if the reaction from your partner is so negative that you can still justify lying, then perhaps the issue isn’t your lying, but rather, the fabric of your relationship itself.

Lies can be the termites of relationships because they eat away at them from the inside, quietly and barely detectable. Anger, however, is the dynamite of relationships that will always inevitably lead to a devastating explosion that can lead to irreparable damage.

So, look at your behavior, look at your partner’s behavior and understand why you lie before you do it. Maybe you don’t have to, because there is no crime in being human and flawed. We all are. The truth shouldn’t be so hard to take that we should allow the lies we use to cover it up to destroy the love we worked so hard to build. And for Pete’s sake, change the damn oil. You don’t want the car to break down on the way home from work, do you?

Speaking of being honest, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker' by December 1st. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty. 


Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”. 

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Couples! 3 Common Communication Mistakes and Solutions

Marriage is not easy. On the flip side, good communication in long-term relationships can be the best foreplay. While sometimes, we can think it's more healthy not to fight, argue or disagree--it's very normal and healthy! The key is how you disagree and overall how you communicate together. GetLusty for Couples staff writer Erin Wiley is here to talk about common communication fails and what to do about them. Today!

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Words are powerful tools. In relationships, a lack of communication can be the root to many problems a couple will face. The ability to tell each other thoughts, feelings and wants is so important, but can be so hard! Overtime, routine and neglect of issues can lead to disengagement and a loss of understanding one another. So, what are the most common mistakes, but more importantly, how can we fix them?

Communication is crucial as it allows us to share your aspirations and concerns, to support one another, to organize our lives and make decisions together. Effective communication can reduce stress and create a tighter bond.

#1 Not telling your partner what's wrong

According to The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage, you shouldn't expect your partner to read your mind to have an amazing marriage. As well as you and your partner think you know each other, most people are not clairvoyants. You really can’t assume that your partner knows how you feel or what you want if you're pulling a subtle eyebrow raise. You don’t share the same feelings, worldview or thoughts. You might notice the laundry is piling or remember that the in-laws are coming into town and the fridge is empty, but your partner might not. A mean look and storming away might speak volumes, but it won’t say what you want to be fixed and how it can be prevented next time.

Solution 

When in doubt, say it out loud. Clearly explain what you would like do or what is upsetting and state what needs to be done. Make it black and white. Simple things are easier to remember. Having to explain things fully about something you think your partner “should” know about you isn't a sign that he or she doesn't love and care about you. It just means that your partner is a unique and separate person.

#2 Guilt tripping

“If you truly cared about my needs then you would not go watch the game at the bar with your friends this weekend” is an example of guilt slinging. Guilt slinging is manipulative, and a sure fire way to cause backlash. Changes that result from guilt are usually not long lasting because the changes come in response to the coercion and not an inward desire to make it better. Ultimately, guilt trips lead partners to feel resentful and unwanted. Jenna D. Barry is the author of A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents notes, “Healthy family relationships are based on love, mutual respect, freedom and honesty—not guilt, obligation and entitlement.”

Solution 

This is far more common than you might think. For example, your spouse has gotten on you about spending too much money on something deemed to be frivolous. Perhaps it was a frivolous purchase. If you respond with a remark that dives into the past, bringing up some mistake your spouse made, this is not productive. You are really just putting a guilt trip on your partner in order to deter from the mistake you made. Guilt is a double-edges sword. Guilt is unhealthy because you are blaming someone else for something you may be personally unsatisfied with about yourself. Accepting each others’ faults and discussing what one another can do to work on it will eliminate the guilt you feel or the guilt you want your partner to feel.

#3 Not listening

Remember that a large part of communication is listening. It is so easy to get in the habit multi-tasking, be off-putting, or want to jump to a conclusion. When couples do not listen to one another it results in a misunderstanding, frustration and anger.

Solution 

When you and your partner are talking don't be on pinterest, looking at your watch, picking at your cuticles, etc. Graham Bodie, Assistant Professor of Communication Studies at The Louisiana State University states, “listening is the quintessential positive interpersonal communication behavior as it connotes an appreciation of and an interest in the other… Good listeners can enhance others’ ability to cope with and remember events; they are more liked, rated as more attractive, and garner more trust."

People can show that they're listening or that they're distracted through non-verbal communication. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message and rephrase if necessary. Make eye contact. Repeat what they have said double checking that there is a mutual understanding. Listening is hard work, but if it is a way to eliminate a future argument and increase an interest in one another, isn’t it worth it?

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage © 2001 by Hilary Rich and Helaina Laks Kravitz, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Speaking of having better communication skills, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker'. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty.

This is a post by Erin Wiley. As a full-time flight attendant, Erin has finally figured out how great she really is at communicating to people how it is completely against the FAA it is for her to join the mile high club. So she's decided to utilize her communication skills and ability to think about sexual communication at high altitudes. Luckily, she's using her English and Journalism degrees from the University of Minnesota to good use for GetLusty! In case of a loss of cabin pressure, you probably should have watched her demonstration because she is way too busy thinking about ways to talk dirtier in bed. Questions, comments or concerns? Get in touch at reply@getlusty.com.

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5 Reasons Why Woman Cheat

When one thinks of a cheating spouse, usually it's of a man. But women cheat, too. In fact, according to the National Science Foundation, more married women are cheating on their husbands than ever before. Why? GetLusty advocate Dawn Michael MFT of the Happy Spouse is here to answer just this. Do you fear your spouse is cheating? Do e-mail us at reply@getlusty.com. We're here to keep couples together and promote amazing sexual relationships.

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Women reasons are slightly different then mens' 

The reasons a woman cheats may be different than why a man cheats. In this article we will look at the psychology reasons of why a women cheats. There are more women cheating in a marriage than statically calculated and that is because woman cheat differently than men and the men that woman are cheating with are less likely to blow their cover.

If the woman can keep her emotions in check with the man that she is having the affair with, he will most likely not pressure her to get out of the marriage or cause a problem in the marriage for her. Women are capable of this type of relationship. However, typically when this happens she will also begin to emotionally leave the marriage as well. A man can have an affair for the sole purpose of having sex. Whereas, only some woman might be able to do that.

Normally, a woman is more at risk for getting emotionally involved. Men are much better at placing their feeling aside and getting on with their day, whereas a woman will allow her emotions to take over and the relationship she is having outside the marriage can eventually consume her thoughts.

When a man does finally take notice that his wife has become distant and aloof and then suggests marriage counseling nine times out of ten it will be too late to save the marriage. When a woman cheats in a marriage it is typically much more devastating on the marriage than when a man cheats because of the emotional attachment.

Without ado, below are the five main reasons why a woman will cheat in a marriage.

#1 She's lonely

This woman may be married to a man who travels frequently for work, or in the military. He may also be just a man that is not emotionally available and unemotional in the marriage. The wife feels all alone and will look for someone who she can connect with on an emotional level. Eventually this may lead to a sexual affair, but even without sex, emotional cheating has already begun.

#2 She's not attracted to her spouse

This is a woman who probably has an active sex drive and needs to find enjoyment outside of the marriage. She could have possibly married her husband for money and not love. She has gotten bored with the relationship and is looking to have a little fun.

This type of cheating is most likely less emotionally involved and more about the excitement and sexual pleasure. This type of cheating is not one that is going to end a marriage and she may have numerous affairs through the life of the marriage. This type of woman is crafty and capable of emotionally shutting down when she needs to. Unless caught, she'll continue to casually cheat.

#3 Her husband puts her down

This is a woman who has been beaten down by her husband. He may be controlling over her or overly critical of her. If this woman worked outside the house, she may look for a man that can save her. She could actually be prey to another controlling man if she does not deal with her insecurity issues and problems at home. This is a very bad situation when children are involved.

#3 She wants/needs to escape

This may be a woman who is overwhelmed with her life. Too much responsibility, kids, home, husband, work, no time to herself and always giving and not getting in return. She may look to another man for distraction from her life, a way to slip out of reality and into a fantasy world. This could involve chatting on the computer, intimate phone calls and last minute getaway's. This can be both an emotional and sexual type of affair. The warning signs of this happening are usually quite evident if a man pays attention.

#5 She's living in a sexless marriage

Women have a sex drive too! The fact is women are perceived as 'not enjoying sex' or 'not wanting to have sex' with their husbands. This is not based on factual information for husbands; maybe the wife has rejected the husband one or more times and the husband shuts down. Either way, there are just as many women as men that enjoy a healthy sex life. When a husband is no longer wanting to have sex with his wife or sexually pleasing her, she may go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship. She may still be in love with her husband but is tired of living in a sexless marriage.


This is a post by Dawn Michael MFT. Dawn is an International Certified Clinical Sexologist and Marriage Counselor specializing in helping individuals and couples to have a healthy sex life, through communication, solution based counseling and home assignments. Visit her website The Happy Spouse for more information or to get in touch with Dawn. Find her on Twitter @SexCounseling.

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