Why Do We Lie?

What's the opposite of a little white lie? Everyone fibs a little bit here and there. But why do we lie? Or outright not tell the truth? GetLusty's favorite therapist couple, Drs. Chuck and Jo Ann Bird, are here to talk about why we lie. 

* * *

We all do it. According to some scientific surveys — and some studies pioneered by psychologist Paul Ekman, an innovator in the study of the relationship between people’s emotions and their facial expressions — most people will tell an average of three lies in a typical 10-minute conversation.

We like to categorize them, so we can rationalize them. Little white lies, the ones we tell our parents when we don’t want to visit them or the ones we tell our bosses when we want to play hooky, are the most common ones. Sure, honey, I got the oil changed — then you get up early the next morning and get it done. These lies are every day lies, and whenever we tell them, we usually end up working a little harder than we need to in order to keep them under wraps.

Then there are the big lies, the nuclear lies, that we take more seriously. For couples, these lies are usually about affairs, past sexual partners or even medical conditions. These are the kinds of lies that can end a relationship. But why do we do it? Why is it that so many of us seem to have a reasonably casual relationship with the truth?

In our experience, the primary culprit seems to be self-esteem. We want our partners to have a positive image of us, so when we are challenged on something that might make us seem less than perfect — like forgetting to get the oil changed in the car — we lie about it to maintain a better image for ourselves. That’s why, many times, we won’t think twice about deceiving our partners, because we feel it is important to our relationships to maintain that facade. The greater the threat to our self-esteem, the greater the lies. The things we hide can become more dramatic — they could include the ex-girlfriend who was a drug addict or the former boyfriend who was abusive.

We also lie out of convenience, because we may not want to go 10 rounds over forgetting to get the oil changed. The purpose is to maintain order in our personal lives by avoiding smaller conflicts whose impact might be to simply ruin an evening. It also helps us avoid insults and discord, but the real issue is not the lie, but why there would be insults or discord as a result of simply telling the truth.

This is where we get into the yin and the yang of lies, because while we can all nod our heads and agree in concept that dishonesty is bad, we also have to recognize our own behaviors that may actually wind up training our partners to lie to us.

When faced with an unpleasant truth, do we react angrily? Worse, do we react violently? Is our automatic default position to head for negativity when an unpleasant truth is offered up by our partners?

If we do, we may very well be training our partner to lie to us, because we are not recognizing the concept that it takes courage to tell a partner an unpleasant truth and that courage should be rewarded. Instead of rewarding them, we may instead find ourselves punishing them by our negative reactions.

So before telling the small lies, ask yourself what you’re really getting in return for the effort. Would the truth really be that bad? Is the truth so horrible that it is worth the integrity of our relationships to hide it? And if the reaction from your partner is so negative that you can still justify lying, then perhaps the issue isn’t your lying, but rather, the fabric of your relationship itself.

Lies can be the termites of relationships because they eat away at them from the inside, quietly and barely detectable. Anger, however, is the dynamite of relationships that will always inevitably lead to a devastating explosion that can lead to irreparable damage.

So, look at your behavior, look at your partner’s behavior and understand why you lie before you do it. Maybe you don’t have to, because there is no crime in being human and flawed. We all are. The truth shouldn’t be so hard to take that we should allow the lies we use to cover it up to destroy the love we worked so hard to build. And for Pete’s sake, change the damn oil. You don’t want the car to break down on the way home from work, do you?

Speaking of being honest, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker' by December 1st. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty. 


Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”. 

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

Read more »

Podcast! Dr. Sonia Borg Talks Communication & Self-Forgiveness

Best-selling author and clinical sexologist Sonia Borg knows a thing or two when it comes to improving couples love lives. Having dealt with her own sexual issues in the past, Sonia uses her experience to educate couples on not only making sex better with your partner, but improving your relationship by improving yourself from the inside out. Here's what she had to say:

More on what we talked about:

• Some big challenges Sonia sees couples facing? Having a hard time connecting and communicating, leading to not growing together as a couple; "communication is bigger than the words we speak," she says.
• Take responsibility for your own actions; it takes one to know one, and if you think your partner's not being a good listener, focus on yourself before blaming them to see how you're doing the same things.
• How does Sonia gauge success and good communication when working with couples? Connecting and growing together, but working on loving yourself before coming together with your partner. Spending more time on how you can be happier, stronger, and more in love together is key, she believes.
• "The change that you want to see in your partner, give that to yourself first," says Sonia. Spend less time trying to get your partner to change, and focus on you.
• Have understanding, compassion and forgiveness for not only your partner, but for yourself. The internal changes are sometimes the biggest ones.

More about Sonia:

Dr. Sonia Borg, earned her Ph. D. in Human Sexuality and Masters in Public Health from The Institute For The Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco and her Masters Degree in Communication from San Francisco State University. Sonia is certified as a Clinical Sexologist by the American College of Sexologists and certified by American Council of Hypnotist Examiners as a Hypnotherapist.

Dr. Sonia uses a variety of non-touch healing methods in a process she coined as Transformational Sex Therapies (TST). TST incorporates leading Sex Coaching, Nuero Linguistic Programming (NLP), and Hypnotherapy to help clients create change in their lives. She started the Happy Endings Company (offices in Hawaii and San Diego, California) and is also available for sessions via phone and Skype. 

Her extensive education and personal life experiences has taught her that most people are poorly informed on the topic of sex. Using humor, multimedia, and entertainment, she educates her audience and offers a positive and healthy perspective on the topic of “sex.”

Sonia has been featured on T.V. shows such as Discovery Channel Canada, Playboy Radio, Good Morning San Diego, Armstronf and Getty and KUSI in San Diego. Her authentic, dynamic and engaging style, makes her a leader in her industry as a Sex Therapist, Best Selling Author, Professional Speaker, and Sex Expert. To connect with Sonia, visit her website.

Read more »

What Is a Slut, Anyway?

We love sluts. We were very strong advocates of SlutWalk Chicago. And we thought we'd keep conversation going around the topic of being a 'real man' on the converse side. What does it mean to be a slut?

Though we all have the same needs and desires, women often face scrutiny for embracing their sexuality while men are celebrated for it. This stigma has led to very negative implications for both women and men. Here, our friend Dr. Jenn offers her thoughts and questions as to how the term "slut" results in such negative consequences, as well as why being a "slut" is considered to be such a bad thing.

* * *

Rush Limbaugh’s “slut-bashing” incident brought to light how we Americans perceive and experience our sexuality. If you missed this or want the full story, read about Limbaugh’s slut slandering of a female Georgetown law student, in response to her testifying before Congress about access to birth control. The incident is fraught with controversy, so for now, let’s just look at the use of the word “slut.”

What is a “slut?” 

Generally, it is a derogatory word used for a woman who is considered too sexual. This begs the question, what does “too sexual” mean, and who decides how much sex is too much for an adult woman? It’s a funny world we live in, where women are highly desired for their sexuality, yet criticized by both women and men if they want to be in control of that sexuality.

Why is there such a low threshold of acceptable sexual expression for women compared to men? I know a lot of men who like sex, and wish that women were encouraged to like it just as much! However, there is a distinct gender difference in who is allowed to be sexual without stigma. Research shows that women often report a lower than truthful number of sexual partners. Men, on the other hand, report a higher number. Clearly, both genders have internalized what is appropriate sexual behavior.

Why does it matter if we call a girl or woman a slut? 

When a woman is labeled a slut, the stigma can be very real in its impact and consequences. For example, labeling a high school girl a slut has long been one of the top insults that can be hurled and can negatively impact the girl’s reputation, enjoyment of high school, and circle of friends. This hasn’t changed in the 20 years since I was in high school, and with the recent recognition of the dangers of bullying, perhaps this is something to which we should pay more attention.

I believe the reason why there is so much controversy around “sluts” is because sex is powerful and provocative. People make a lot of decisions based on their sex drive, some empowering and some pretty damn foolish (e.g., look at the fall of so many male politicians and religious leaders who can’t keep their dicks in their pants). I think sexual women have long been the scapegoats of powerful men. Our sexual decisions sometimes have big consequences, but labeling women for choosing to be sexual, when it benefits the women AND men, shouldn’t be one of those consequences.

I think a slut is a woman who seeks sexual experiences and enjoys being sexual. That doesn’t sound so bad to me. Last year, the “Slut Walk” movement in many major cities was a way to reclaim women’s sexual expression, and stop blaming sexual assault on women’s fashion choices. Perhaps a chant of “Two, Four, Six, Eight. Women are Sexual and Sluts are Great!” is something we should all take to the streets.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? Do it by December 1st and you'll be entered to win the ultimate in sex toys for couples--a LELO Tiani 2 vibrator.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

Read more »

Why I'm Not (Yet) Out Of The Closet About S&M

At GetLusty, we're all about communication and telling your spouse your true feelings. This holiday season, some of you might choose to come out to your families in one way or another, too. Think: introducing them a new spouse or pet?

We make choices everyday on what our friends, family and co-workers know about us. In this article, Clarisse Thorn, the S&M feminist, addresses the pros and cons of coming out in the 'real' world. She may not reveal her secret identity yet, but she does discuss what conditions she requires to come out. Though National Coming Out Day has come and past, talking to family or friends (maybe even co-workers) about your innermost sexual secrets can be complicated or near impossible. For more on what Clarisse is thinking about, read on!

* * *

Today was National Coming Out Day. I cried when I saw Milk and I think outness can be an important political act, but I’m not coming out - not yet.

In 2008, I decided to take all my theories about S&M — and all my confused feelings — and use them for sex-related activism. I started Sex+++, my sex-positive film series in Chicago, which was an unexpectedly huge success. I volunteered at the Leather Archives, the world’s only S&M museum. I also began writing this blog. Soon, I was getting speaking engagements. Then I started publishing articles in big outlets. Always under the name, Clarisse Thorn.

I had several reasons for writing under a pseudonym:

#1 Employment

I thought I might want to explore a career path at a conservative company. In fact, I spent the first two years of my Clarisse-Thorn-time working for bosses who would not have been okay with the fact that I’m a decently well-known S&M writer.

The social climate now is somewhat liberal — it’s mostly okay to be gay, for example, or at least it’s more okay than it has been for hundreds of years. But S&M is something else. Less than ten years ago, a prominent U.N. employee named Jack McGeorge was publicly attacked in the media because he was an S&Mer. And while you might think times have changed, a sex blogger who called herself The Beautiful Kind (real name Kendra Holliday) lost her job in 2010 when her boss found out.

BDSM -and sexuality in general- is still very stigmatized. People who write openly and personally about sex are taking huge risks with their employability.

#2 Friends

I’m lucky because my parents are both very analytical, liberal thinkers; they’re deeply interested in gender politics, and they think my work is awesome. However, there are other people in my social network who would not be cool with Clarisse Thorn. For example, one of my closest friends comes from a hardcore religious family. I like her family. I’ve been to their house for Christmas. They’ve told me that I’m “a good influence” on their daughter, although they understand that I’m pretty liberal. But if they knew I was kinky, God only knows how they’d react.

Another example: a former boss of mine is very, very conservative. In fact, he’s a Tea Party member. This boss has always been incredibly kind and generous to me; I visit him occasionally even though I don’t work for him anymore, and he’s told me that he thinks of me like a daughter. Would he “disown” me if he knew about Clarisse Thorn? I don’t know.

Some people who work in sexuality say: “Well, I wouldn’t want to work for someone who can’t accept me as I am,” or “I wouldn’t want to be close to someone who wouldn’t be okay with my sexuality.” Maybe that’s true for them. But people are complicated, the world is a nuanced place, and I’ve drawn a lot of comfort and joy from these relationships, even if I disagree with those folks in some ways.

#3  Kids and marriage

I hope to have kids at some point. In U.S. culture, the most efficient way to go about that is usually to get married. I don’t want a potential husband to be in a position where people will assume he’s perverted just because he’s marrying me; if he wants to be out, then that’s fine, but I don’t want outness to be a precondition. I don’t want to risk his employment along with my own. If I’m going to meet a fiancé’s family, I’d rather they had the opportunity to get to know me as a person before they Google me and discover this. I mean, I’ve dated men whose families would have had trouble adjusting to the relationship because I was white. Imagine if they knew that I was a pervert.

And my poor potential kids! I mentioned Kendra Holliday earlier; her son has definitely caught some flak at school. I’m pretty sure the famous S&M writer Janet Hardy stayed in the closet, writing under the name Catherine Liszt, until her children were grown — I seem to recall seeing something she wrote where she described kids as “hostages to social stigma,” although I can’t find it now. (Update: Janet did stay in the closet until her kids were grown, but she doesn’t recall saying anything about hostages.)

#4 Personal Privacy

There are other reasons for being closeted. I am, in fact, nervous about having everyone in the world know details about my sex life (even though my writing is fairly vague, emotional, and political compared to most sex writing). Personal safety worries me, too.

There is something shadowy and romantic about having a “secret identity” — and as a dedicated child of the Internet since 1996, when anonymity was the norm, I always liked playing identity games. But this is more inconvenient and stressful than romantic. I mean, earlier this year I spoke at the biggest news media conference in the world. Imagine attending a four-day social media convention while preventing yourself from being photographed or identified. It was intense.

I like being able to shed the CT persona if I have to, although this writing has become so integral to me that it’s kind of difficult relating to people who don’t understand this aspect of me. On the other hand, the last three times I went to Wicker Park, I ran into people who know me only as Clarisse Thorn. And there have been many opportunities cross-pollinated among my various lives. People who know mostly my “real” self have given many leads to Clarisse, and vice versa.

I made a list a few years ago, of factors that I’d want to have in place before I came out of the closet:

#1 Either massive wealth (ha!) or a career trajectory that makes me certain I won’t ever need a job where CT’s existence is a drawback.

#2 Married to someone who doesn’t mind, with kids who are all grown up.

#3 Social changes such that there’s massively decreased social stigma around sexuality, especially S&M.

#4 Some factor that tips the balance towards making it worth coming out of the closet: i.e., some opportunity that I can’t take unless I come out, which I would be a fool to turn down.

#5 The development of Clarisse Thorn as a “legitimate” public intellectual.

I have put so very much energy into maintaining my privacy. But it has always chafed, too. I’m writing this now, because I’m really close to coming out. S&M has become way more culturally okay in the last five years. Clarisse Thorn has written for major media outlets and lectured at important cultural institutions, and an opportunity has come my way that I would be a fool to turn down.

I find myself on the brink of a decision that has been in the back of my mind for years. I’m hesitant. My cautious freelancer side tells me that I want some serious money in my hand before I make any big decisions. My list is incomplete. I’m not married. I don’t have kids yet. In this economy it’s impossible to be certain of anything, career-wise.

I’m thinking of making coming out into a game. It appeals to my geeky soul. Offering some kind of prize to a person who identifies me, as long as they document their Internet Detective procedures; this would be a great lesson of why long-term pseudonymity is impossible in the Information Age. I’d love to see how different people go about it!

I’m not there yet, though. I’m close. I’m so close. It will most likely happen soon, but I’m not quite there. I’m uncertain and scared and once I make this decision, I can never take it back. I’m waiting to see if a couple of things pan out.

Cross-posted with permission from Clarisse Thorn's blog.

Clarisse Thorn is a feminist S&M writer who has lectured from Berlin to San Francisco, and written from The Guardian to Jezebel. She wrote a book about men, dating, and sex called Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; she's also got a best-of collection called The S&M Feminist. She's always writing something new, so check out her list of books.

Find her on Twitter @clarissethorn and Facebook.

Read more »

Podcast! Kelly Shibari Talks Feminist Porn & Self-Acceptance (NSFW)

Kelly Shibari is not your typical adult entertainer. A successful business woman and self-proclaimed "intelligent hedonist," Kelly is out to break stereotypes about porn stars and take on obstacles dealing with body image.

We sat down to chat with her about her unique niche in the porn industry and why she couldn't be happier about it (which we recorded for your listening pleasure).

More on what we talked about:

• Born and raised in Japan, Kelly was aware of her weight at a young age. "I was always a bigger kid...it wasn't until I came to the states that I realized I wasn't as big as people made me out to be," Kelly says.
• Kelly believes working in porn helped improve her self-esteem and body image, and aided in shedding some of the negative thoughts she held as a child about her own body.
• Kelly's most recent film, "Kelly Shibari is Overloaded," is a different kind of porn in that is helps break the stereotype that plus-size porn stars are "just a pretty face" who don't do the extreme sex scenes that are generally reserved for more slender women.
• What makes "Overloaded" feminist porn for Kelly? Its sense of female empowerment and her being in control of the scenes. "If you're a gentleman, you get the sexiest part of me, if you're a jerk you don't get anything sexy about me," she says of her male fans who took part.
• Kelly believes "Overloaded" and similar films allow fans to see that you don't always have to be inside the box - be experimental and branch out, but put safety first, she advises.
• Tips for being comfortable with your own sexuality? Do your research before you experiment and find positive and fun in everything you do, Kelly recommends. Trying new things helps you find out what turns you on and what works for you!

More about Kelly:

Kelly is a voluptuous, naturally busty Asian porn performer/director/producer who has been happily breaking stereotypes about big girls, Asians, and pornstars all at the same time for the past six years. She runs several sites –PaddedKINK (NSFW), a plus-size fetish site; ThePRSMGroup, a social media consultancy for the adult industry, and KellyShibariXXX (NSFW), her personal site for fans of her porn work.

In 2011, she won the Feminist Porn Award for PaddedKINK, and was featured in Rammstein’s music video for their song “Mein Land”. She just released my first self-produced “fanbang” film, “Kelly Shibari Is Overloaded“ (NSFW), and is preparing to be one of the headliners for BBWFanFest, the first-ever adult convention for plus-size adult performers and models. She is also a recurring substitute co-host for Playboy Radio’s “Night Calls” and Spice Radio’s “YouPorn” shows. To connect with Kelly, visit her Facebook page or follow her on Twitter @KellyShibari.

Read more »

5 Ways to Help You Love Your Naked Body

Naked November is all about shedding your clothes and emotional burdens. And since we really enjoyed Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty campaign, we chose their picture to highlight improved self-confidence naked. Confidence comes from within. In order to get naked we need to shed any fears, doubts, and negative thoughts. To fully get naked, we need to get emotionally undressed too. GetLusty promotes a healthy body-image and self-esteem because we are all beautiful. What some people call flaws, we like to call strengths because guess what? Perfection is overrated! Bonnie Gayle, sexual empowerment coach is here with five tips to help you reach body confidence and soon nakedness!

* * *

Negative body image, the negative feelings you have about how you look, is a growing problem worldwide for both men and women. It affects at least 80-90 percent of women and 80 percent of men. When you have body image issues it can be difficult to feel comfortable naked, especially if you’re looking at yourself in the mirror or standing naked in daylight.

How many times have you looked in the mirror naked and your eyes went straight that body part you find flawed? Your eyes are drawn to the bulge in your tummy, the cellulite on your thighs, or the saggy butt you’ve always felt uncomfortable about. You tell yourself you’re going to go on a diet, start your workout, or get some surgery to change these things because you think that such a change is going to improve your life.

Unfortunately, the diets that don’t work, the working out you will probably do for a short time and eventually get tired of, and/or the surgery you may or may not end up doing are only quick fixes that will not change how you feel. The odds of failing a diet are 95 percent within a year and a half. Working out has to be a regular commitment, not something you do for a few weeks and then quit. Surgery is quite expensive, requires down-time, and although it will change your body, it doesn’t change your body image. Once you fix one body part surgically, you’ll most likely start obsessing on another. It’s a vicious cycle.

The good news is that there are some practices you can do to start learning to love and appreciate your body without a lot of expense or suffering. These five tips will help you feel comfortable being naked in no time!

#1 Write a love letter to your body

Your body is a miracle. It has so many moving parts that allow you to do so many amazing things. Make a list of all of the things you have the ability to do because of your body. At the end of the letter, thank your body for being the amazing vessel it is.

#2 Take a look at yourself in the mirror naked

Find your favorite body part and focus on it. Close your eyes and imagine a golden light emanating from that body part. As the light becomes stronger, it grows and soon covers your entire body. Feel the warmth of the light, and keep your eyes closed for a few minutes in the brightness. When you feel ready, open your eyes.

#3 Take a sensual bath in some beautiful essential oils

When was the last time you took a long, relaxing bath? Gently wash your body with the infused warm water. You will notice your skin feeling softer, hydrated and more radiant.

#4 Create Ambiance 

There are so many places and times to be naked. One great way to help love your body is treat it beautifully. Creating a sexy, loving ambiance is a great place to start! Light candles and create an ambiance so you feel more comfortable being naked. Start slow if you'd like. But creating an atmosphere where you love your body and yourself is beneficial for more than loving your naked body--it will do much to improve your self confidence, too!

#5 Solo dance party! 

It's Friday night and you seem to have 20 minutes to yourself. Why turn up some music, the heat and strip down? Dance naked in the candlelight to music that you love. Feel how sensual you are. Feel your goddess nature. Dancing naked improves your understanding of your own body.

Practicing these five tips can help you start to feel comfortable in your nakedness. Once you start loving and appreciating yourself and your body, your whole world will begin to open up in ways you never thought possible. Soon you will love being naked!

Bonnie Gayle, is a “body whisperer and sexual empowerment coach for women." Bonnie speaks publicly and facilitates the teaching of overcoming body image and self esteem issues to women so they can fully embrace sexual pleasure.

After co-creating Sex Butter, Yes Butter, and The Butter, products made from organic plant based oils which have been enhancing and healing women and couples, her true mission came alive: “Body Liberation”! Bonnie has successfully assisted, mentored, and taught thousands of women the importance of loving the body you are in, treating it kindly, and stepping into embracing true sexual pleasure. 'Like' her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter @sexbutterbabe.

Read more »

3 Ways Too Much Porn Could Be Killing Your Erection

We love porn. But could porn effect men differently than women? What are the implications for watching porn? Could porn have an influence on your sex drive or erection? Have your triggers become so extreme and so far removed from actual real-life sex that you are having trouble actually having sex? We've heard this several times from our readers that porn has had a big impact on their sex life. If it's having a negative impact, could you turn that around?

Erectile dysfunction and loss of desire are often blamed entirely on physical problems, with thanks in large part to propaganda specialists (ie drug companies). Rarely do we investigate psychological causes. Often guys are simply too freaked or stressed to get erect and they have physically nothing wrong. GetLusty for Couples's Jason Estrada proposes a theory that might be so obvious and logical that it eludes consideration. Gents, could you be watching too much porn?

* * *

Guys, we all know what erectile dysfunction (ED) is? We’ve all read the articles and seen the hundreds of advertisements for little blue pills. If you suffer from this affliction, you might have went straight to the Viagra website before seeing a doctor. I’m guessing most men with ED didn’t even consider seeing a therapist. Here’s one more thing I’m betting most of you haven’t considered; too much porn.

#1 Extreme-itization

Erectile dysfunction affects more than just retired old men with silver hair - it affects men of all ages. Even young, healthy twenty-somethings have trouble getting it up these days. Think about what porn is today. It gets hotter, nastier, and more extreme every day.

When you look at an old Playboy, can you honestly say that it still turns you on? Of course it doesn’t. Not when there’s readily available hardcore porn on the Internet. And the stuff on the internet isn’t an elegantly airbrushed model in some tasteful pose kind of porn. The porn we watch today has raised our tolerance for the erotic.

Once your computer turns off, you walk away with these new extreme fetishes floating around in your imagination. Your partner comes home and they’re ready for some sexy fun, but there’s a problem. The idea of normal, real-life sex just isn’t doing it for you. She isn’t that porn star, draped in latex and gagging on a red rubber ball. How can you go back to that old fashion sex after experiencing such extreme stimulus? Doggie style and missionary position don't seem as exciting as they used to. So regular sex doesn’t do it for you anymore. Getting turned on has become harder than ever. Excuse the pun.

#2 Lowers your self-esteem

Lets say you don’t like that fetish porn. Maybe you’re fine with watching one person fucking another. No bondage or fisting for you, but you still can’t get excited for real-life sex. Well, raising one’s tolerance beyond a realistic level isn’t the only negative symptom of porn.

You’re watching completely average porn. We’ll say, one guy – one girl. All they’re doing is fucking. There’s nothing out of the ordinary realm of real-life sex except for one thing. All male porn stars are sex gods! First of all, they can fuck for hours (it seems). Most of us are proud as hell if we make it to 30 minutes. Especially after we enter our 30s and 40s. The second issue is this sex god on our computer screen has this monster of a dick, 12 inches long and 4 inches wide. By now I’m sure we’ve all realized men’s obsession with penis size. For some, our penis size determines our amount of confidence, and has a dramatic effect on our personality. You know that part in movies where the man pulls out a gigantic gun and the woman says something about him over-compensating for his small penis?


Just like in all other mainstream media outlets, porn has perverted our perspective of reality. We can never live up to porn’s standard of “real” manliness.

#3 Fear

Have you ever paid attention to the advertisements on porn websites and magazines? They are filled with ED medication, penis enlargement and “how To fuck a girl" ads. An extremely important fact to remember is that ED pills are developed for older men whose problems stem from aging and blocked blood vessels in the penis. They are not for gents with self-esteem issues, and they definitely not for “sport fucking”. Also important, is that these advertisers are feeding off our fear of impotence. Fear is where impotence starts – fear that you can’t perform like that porn star, fear that your partner won’t scream and holler like the girl in the porn.

How can we survive without porn?

I’m not telling you to stop watching porn, but maybe switch to different genres. Find some porn sites that don’t flood you with unrealistic fantasies. That beautiful woman/man who sleeps next to you every night – that person should be your fantasy. If you can’t experience it with her/him, then don’t experience it with some porn stars on your computer.

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. Connect with him via email at jason@getlusty.com or subscribe via Facebook.

Read more »

Getting Over Shame Through Nude Photography (NSFW)

It's already nearly mid-way through Naked November, so we've been thinking about nudity a lot. We support getting naked in all forms, including photography. What better way to show off your beauty than getting photographed? An intimate photographer, the artist behind 101 Vagina, is here to talk about how nude photography could decrease your shame of getting naked. Why? Read on!

* * *

I do a fair bit of nude photography, but almost exclusively of women, so how does this relate to couples? Well, let me tell you a story.

A friend of mine, Eva, was complimenting some of my photos in a series of clay covered nudes and since I mostly shoot friends, I remarked that it could be her in those photos. She chuckled, declined and said she had a lot of body image issues. Stunning as she is I was not surprised since this is unfortunately all too common.

To combat one particular body image issue and taboo I have also been working on a coffee table photo book called 101 Vagina, a collection of 101 photos with a message from each of the women. When this arose in conversation I again asked if she might be interested in participating. Again she declined.

But her compliments kept coming and I suggested she might appreciate seeing herself through fresh eyes. In the end it was her boyfriend who emboldened her, saying it might help her get over some of her negative body image. So she got in touch to participate, in both projects no less.

Most people are a little awkward in front of a camera at first, but Eva was almost inconsolable. She was visibly struggling, so I went to give her a hug. I was stunned. Her whole body was shaking, from the inside, as if some massive tectonic plates were shifting in her character, dislodging old and strong patterns of shame. I had never witnessed anyone confront such massive fear, and have the courage to go ahead in spite of it. Massive kudos to her!

As it turned out it didn't take long for her to relax into the shoot and we got some great images. She could hardly believe that the images were of her, seeing herself through my eyes allowed her to see the beauty in my beholder's eye, rather than the critic in hers.

The next day Eva wrote to me me that she looked at herself in the mirror naked for the first time ever!

More recently she shared this about how it affected her relationship. "It certainly has changed our relationship, firstly I was so amazed and felt so loved when he told me to go ahead with something that I thought most guys would discourage. When I sent him the pics I was really nervous, and I was so happy to hear that he loved them. I'm much less shy around him now, and find it slightly easier to talk to him about my body."

Witnessing such shifts is the reward for the conscious nude photographer. But it was not always so.

My journey with nude photography began many years before I ever took a nude photograph; in my mind. I dreamed of doing it ever since I became sexually aware but there was a huge barrier in the way. That barrier was shame. My mother was a fairly strong feminist and the message I inadvertently internalised was that male sexual desire is the root cause of all evil in the world, that nudes are degrading and people who take them akin to murderers. And yet I loved the images.

Perhaps fittingly it was a woman who finally invited me into the world of nude photography, and that first experience, and all that followed, have worked to reverse my inhibitions. It was a healing process for me, an affirmation that my appreciation of the female form is not only tolerated, but appreciated. Further to that, it was often a healing experience for the women also.

Any shame we hold around our bodies and sexuality will always impact on the way we share ourselves with others. Shame is a powerful hindrance to happiness and it does not dislodge easily. If it's easy to talk about it's not shame you're dealing with. Shame is the last thing we want to talk about, ever. But it's the first step to really being honest and connecting with ourselves and others.

Philip Werner is a Melbourne (Australia) based photographer (philipwernerfoto.com), web-designer, meditator, furniture maker (lazydeckchairs.com.au), thinker, engineer, shit-stirrer and perhaps soon-to-be book publisher (101vagina.com).

He has travelled the external and internal world extensively and gotten a closer understanding of each in the process. His photographic portrait work demonstrates this awareness through the depth of presence he captures in his subjects, bringing their internal world to light in the external form of their bodies. Follow him on Twitter & Facebook.

Read more »

Jill Abrahams on Why Embrace Your Sexuality

Women's sexuality. It's one of those things that's near and dear to our hearts. At GetLusty, we're all some form feminists so we place a great importance on defining and empowering women's sexuality. We interviewed Jill Abrahams, the Executive Producer/Founder of CherryTV, to get her take on what led to her embracing her sexuality and beliefs.

* * *

How did you get to starting CherryTV? Why did you start it? What's your story?

I started CherryTV because the content that I desired wasn’t available. This blog post provides much of the information. This fact sheet attached was included in our press kit when we launched in 2008. And the featured video of our indiegogo campaign also gives great background!

Why is women's sexuality important to you?

I went for years thinking I was “broken.” I also didn’t enjoy sex and understand what the big deal was – and therefore felt inadequate in bed. And I felt alone … that I was the only one who felt this way. Upon learning that other women go through similar experiences – and beginning the journey in overcoming my hurdles … I wanted to help others. They say the most important things in life are having someone to love and to have work in which you feel inspired by. The notion that I could use my professional experience to help women feel more confident, comfortable and fulfilled in bed was a awesome.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? 

Yes despite the fact that I’m not really sure what it means anymore. Do I believe men and women deserve equality in all accounts – yes. Do I believe American society oppresses women – yes!

If so/ if not, why? We live in a patriarchal society in which men make the rules. If men were the ones to get pregnant – abortion and birth control would be a non-issue. The “establishment” has kept women down – and whatever we can do to correct that is worthwhile.

In terms of sex -- I do believe men and women are different in the way they relate to each other on an intimate level. And while we all want to be cherished, loved and respected – the way in which the different sexes (and note, I’m not saying gender – because that’s really not within my area of expertise. CherryTV is basically a hetero-normative site for women) need their appreciate for the other expressed tend to be different based simply on biology.

If women would embrace our sexuality, what would that look like?

I think women would feel they have more of a voice in the bedroom – a right (and obligation) to tell their partner what they want and how they are feeling. I also believe women would no longer feel they need to “perform” in bed – be the sex partner they’re man wants – and as opposed to an equal part of the equation. I would like to believe women would also become more comfortable with their “womanly” bodies – and not feel obligated to fit in to the media-dictated ideal.

If we embraced our sexuality I also believe women would, in general, feel a greater sense of strength and agency in all their activities. We would exhibit, I like to think (and know from personal experience) an increased ownership over work and environment. For example – women have a harder time discussing salary during job interviews than men. What’s up with that? If we felt empowered sexually, I like to think it would “trickle down” into all our activities. I often think, and remind my girlfriends, “would a man handle it that way??”

Lastly, if we were able to increase our belief in the power of our sexuality Mae West would become a bigger icon than Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn represented the female ideal for men, Mae West on the other hand was in control; unabashedly a women in command of her sexuality.

If you had three tips for women to feel sexier, what would they be? 

Masturbate regularly – switch it up, if need be, between manual and vibrator; Realize media’s idealization of the perfect female body is unrealistic and most men love “having something to grab on to.” Embrace the fact that you can have great sex without being “sexy” in the way mainstream culture dictates.

Tell your partner exactly what you like and want – if it’s more kissing, touching, AND compliments… whatever. Sensuality is both physical and emotional – and knowing your partner desires you is a turn on that resonates throughout our being. Compliments, just like the increased closeness experienced from physical intimacy, effect our well being and sexual selves!

How do you use your own sexuality to live a better life? 

As someone who is comfortable with her sexuality, I have found that my sense of “friskiness” (in the appropriate setting) rubs off on others. People are therefore more open and relaxed – and we all have a better time. I have also become the go-to for questions from girlfriends, and that feels good! What are you looking forward to over the next 6-12 months? Relaunching the CherryTV.com website (with support from our indiegogo compaign, creating new videos, and integrating partner content!

More about Jill:


Jill Abrahams is the Executive Producer/Founder of CherryTV.com. She's worked on the internet and in television for more than 15 years. Prior to creating CherryTV.com, Jill produced content and developed strategies for web-based, interactive programming at media outlets such as Rainbow Media and the Russian Media Group.

In 1998, Jill expanded her production work at Pseudo as founder and executive producer of Cherrybomb.com, CherryTV.com’s predecessor. It was then that Jill first developed a firm commitment to helping women develop sexual confidence by producing programming that honestly reflects women’s sexual needs and interests. Prior to her work at Pseudo, Jill honed her video production skills during a four-year stint as a producer for the then-fledgling Food Network. Originally hired as a Production Assistant and the Network’s tenth employee, Jill learned first-hand what it takes to build a successful media outlet from the ground up.

Jill began her initial preparations for a career in media during college, earning a BA from the School of Journalism at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

Read more »

Moms! 10 Ideas For Feeling Your Sexiest

We've heard from several moms they don't want to participate in Naked November. Their belly, their body — sometimes moms feel they're not be the same after bearing children, or feel they have to dress more conservatively because they are a mom. From one mom to another, GetLusty's mom advocate, Eileen Prouffe, is here to say that kids don't mean you can't express yourself: be who you are and embrace your curves! Eileen is here to give her tips to inspire the very important ladies out there — moms!

* * *

#1 Sleepwear

Don't feel you have to sleep in cotton nightgowns every night and hide your body. While they may be comfortable, they are not always sexy. Sleep in just a sexy t-shirt, lingerie, or better yet, naked. Just don't forget to lock the bedroom door.

#2 Get your hair done

My husband loves when I come home from the salon with a new hair style. It will make you feel rejuvenated and like a brand new person inside and out. Getting even the dead ends cut off of your hair can make a huge difference and give you an extra boost of confidence. If you're more of the daring type then try a new hair color and style all together. Have fun with yourself; life is short!

#3 Dress up

If you find yourself always in pajama pants or mom jeans, then it's time to change things up a bit and put on a dress, skirt, or at least some heels with those jeans. Sometimes just dressing up makes you feel good, even if you have nowhere to go. Your significant other will be surprised when they get home and it may help them get in the mood for a little love making. That's what we want, right?

#4 Pamper yourself

Sometimes moms just don't take enough time out to relax and take care of themselves.  Take a hot bath or shower and relax with some scented oils, candles, and an alcoholic beverage of your choice.  Even just exfoliating your whole body with a loofah sponge or body scrub will make you feel great.  Don't forget to moisturize afterwards to leave your skin silky smooth.  I like Avon's Skin So Soft because I can add it to the bath or apply after a shower. Clean up your eyebrows, apply a mask, or even a deep conditioning treatment.  There are endless things you can do for yourself.  Recently, my aunt gave me the tip of warming up a little olive oil and soaking my nails and dry cuticles in it.  Instant manicure!

#5 Get made up

Cosmetic companies are always coming out with new and exciting products that can perk up your face. If your make-up hasn't been updated in a while with more advanced products and different colors, maybe it's time to take a trip to Sephora. Old make-up can be bad for our skin and mascara can get bacteria in it, so it's wise to get new stuff every once in a while. Plus, it's fun and can make you feel like a sex goddess.

#6 Laugh and smile!

It's easy to get caught up in the daily routine of life and forget to take time out to laugh and smile. Not only does it feel good to laugh and smile, but it can help relive tension and stress which means you'll be more relaxed for a good time with your partner later. Your partner will enjoy seeing your smiling face too. If no one is around, then you can put on a funny show or a comedy movie to help life your spirits.

#7 Be a Boudair Pinup

Boudair photography. There are many tasteful-yet-sexy photographers that can take some amazing pictures of you. Have you seen the list of GetLusty recommended Chicago-based boudair photographers? Don't stop there, you could have the photos done in a studio, a park, or even your own home. No money for a photographer? Let your hubby take one! Posing for a picture can be playful, sexy, fun and confidence building because all the attention is on you. It's your moment and you can own it. Your lover will likely enjoy them too. Be a model for the day.

#8 Have a non-mom zone

Yes, you're a mom and I'm a mom, but we're still our own person too. We need our own space free of coupons, school papers and bills.  Whether it's your bedroom, office, or kitchen table, you need your own personal space where you can get creative and gather your thoughts. Even if it's just a cute reading chair, it will work as long as everyone in your household respects your space. It doesn't feel sexy to be bombarded with everyone else's life 24/7.  Remember that you have your own goals and dreams to look after as well.

#9 Walk or jog

There's nothing like walking or jogging down the block and seeing heads turn as you go by. Not only will going for a walk or jog feel good and help you lose or maintain weight, but it can help you realize that you are still beautiful to look at. We may not always see it, but others do. Even if you don't want to exercise, you can just get out of the house and be around others. I was at the grocery store one time and a younger man who worked at the store hit on me while I was shopping.  It was very innocent, but flattering to know I still had it.

#10 Dance the night away

No matter how you dance or what type of music you like, there's nothing sexier than a woman dancing and having a good time. You'll feel great, have a good time, and it might even turn your partner on. Whether you decide to go out to a night club or stay home and dance in the bedroom, you'll feel hotter then ever. Dancing is good for the soul. You can always turn your dance into a strip tease too!

Eileen Prouffe is a new GetLusty writer, but has over ten years as a working mom and trying to keep her love alive. If she's not having fun with her three kids, she's staring into the eyes of her loving husband. She looks forward to sharing her ideas, tips and knowledge with everyone to help improve relationships and put an end to dull sex lives. Get in touch with Eileen at eileen@getlusty.com.

Read more »

32 Affirmations From a Nudist (Why Be Nude--Now!)

It's Naked November, so we're all about getting down to our skivvies. We even have several fun nude date ideas. But why? What's so particularly great about being nude? And why in November? OK, we admit it's a bit too chilly for nudity. But that doesn't mean you can't look at yourself naked and feel good. Being naked is about having a positive body image, accepting yourself, and others as well--including all of their flaws. Our resident friend and nudist, Roy Michael Blakely, is here to explain his 32 affirmations for why you should be naked right now.

* * *


Why I Love To Be Nude

For happiness! Naturism keeps, provides, allows, reveals, answers, fulfills, completes and confirms our return to a spiritual design of being human for the joy of loving and being loved beyond all secrecy, inhibition, doubt, and betrayal.

#1 Being Nude keeps me grounded, and protects me from the incremental assassination by a world seeking to rule my awareness with bigotry, sexism, and lust.

#2 Being Nude keeps me more alert - attuned to my surroundings and those around me in a stress-free state of mind.

#3 Being Nude keeps me vigilant in my faith for self-worth and values.

#4 Being Nude keeps me - ME. I belong to ME without self-doubt or pity, thus remaining free as ME to inspire the happiness & joy that gives you me, and me you, free of debt as my reward for being ME.

#5 Being Nude provides my perpetual invitation for new friendships seeking to honor this awareness with our mutual sharing and living.

#6 Being Nude provides the comfort essential for my spirituality.

#7 Being Nude provides the clarity of self-worth and honoring self-esteem with unbridled reflection.

#8 Being Nude provides freedom for others that welcomes their uninhibited selves, for the honor of sharing and living without pretenses.

#9 Being Nude allows me to uphold the honorable spiritual truth that the penis and vagina constitute the physical host for Gender Values, and that no shame, guilt, or fear should diminish our Sum by my attitude and actions.

#10 Being Nude allows me to feel closer to my Higher Power. Bearing no pretense for the design of me--as a spiritual being embodying the human experience.

#11 Being Nude allows me to be more easily recognized by those who embody my passions and honor.

#12 Being Nude allows me to better illuminate the women who can embrace my awareness of them, from the many in denial of that spiritual worth.

#13 Being Nude for a woman‘s honorable worth, reveals my faith in her as undiminished given a lack of pretense by her.

#14 Being Nude for a woman's reflection of her own self worth, reveals her self-esteem with me as undiminished without pretense by me.

#15 Being Nude for a woman‘s acceptance of me, reveals an affection from her that welcomes my worth without excuse.

#16 Being Nude for a woman‘s need of embracing who I am, reveals the affection I seek to share in the mutual worth of friendship, romance, and sexuality.

#17 Being Nude answers the best of what we are in spirit, to honor the most of who we are in the flesh. We can embrace our truth in one another - family, friendship, marriage, and faith, without the ignorance or arrogance of secrecy, inhibition, doubt, or betrayal diminishing that acceptance.

#18 Being Nude answers my greatest honor in being alive as a human being, for the faith and self- worth that constitutes the love with which I worship my Higher Power, in total acceptance.

#19 Being Nude answers the devotion I seek to share with others in family, friendship, marriage, and faith, in total acceptance.

#20 Being Nude answers the need for spiritually, emotionality, and sexuality.

#21 Being Nude fulfills my need for being me, as my quest to worship my Higher Power finds peace and joy in what I am by spiritual design.

#22 Being Nude fulfills my courage of being me, as my need for being nude is of my faith and not by doubt.

#23 Being Nude fulfills my purpose in being me, as shame, guilt, and fear bear no religion as my faith to seduce me.

#24 Being Nude fulfills my duty of being me against all the social assassinations of my spirit sought by religion and politics.

#25 Being Nude completes me with the face value of my self worth, by the naked truth of faith through gentle eyes. With nothing left to shed as a nudist who worships a Higher Power, as a celebration of our sum, answers with reflections of You by spiritual design, that hate cannot undress as a pretense.

#26 Being Nude completes my trust with others about Gender Values, by the gentle eyes I inherit as a nudist to embrace whom I can as a sum rather than for their parts. Greed cannot claim me with selfish want.

#27 Being Nude completes me upon the orgasm, by the gentle eyes I inherit as a nudist to honor sex with the dignity of my own esteem. Temptation cannot answer for me.

#28 Being Nude completes me upon my free agency, by the gentle eyes I inherit as a nudist to respect others as I respect myself, that clothing cannot determine for me.

#29 Being Nude confirms my dignity by my Higher Power's domain, as my spiritual will by realization over consensus, seeks to discover and not plagiarize my meaning with others by spiritual grace.

#30 Being Nude confirms my beauty by my Higher Power‘s domain, as my spiritual will by realization over consensus, seeks to extend, rather than patronize the worth of others by spiritual blessing.

#31 Being Nude confirms my love by My Higher Power‘s domain, as my spiritual will by realization over consensus, seeks to embrace, rather than question, the spiritual truth of others by spiritual will.

#32 Being Nude confirms my sexuality by my Higher Power‘s domain, as my spiritual will by realization over consensus, seeks to deliver, rather than cheat the value of joy in others by spiritual design.

Roy Michael Blakely is a nudist. He's also a divorced father of 5 grown sons & a daughter in Heaven. He is also a newly published author of "Gender Values: A Proposal for Marriage in a Bottle". Michael believes that as long as “normal” is used as a measure for right and wrong, insanity will rule us against growth-maturity-and love! Check out his blogs at Gentle Eyes and Gender Values. Follow Roy on Twitter @gendervalues.

Read more »