Why Your Sex Fantasies Are Beneficial

Did you know we had an entire month dedicated to the 50 Shades? We heard frequently how negative the story was to BDSM. But can we use our sexual fantasies to improve our sex lives? Fantasies, BDSM and fetishes can and should be beneficial for couples. This is a guest post by our Moushumi Ghose, the LA Sex Therapist, explains more about how sexual fantasies can actually make a positive impact on your relationship--rather than the opposite.

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Understanding our sexual fantasies may be important in getting our needs met. Much like our dreams, our sexual fantasies are the windows to our souls.

We usually think fantasies are bad

In many ways, we have been conditioned and trained to fear, or be ashamed our sexual fantasies, as maybe we are somewhat afraid, or ashamed about our own sexualities.

We’re embarrassed of our desires. Due to lack of education, and lack of exposure in talking about sexual fantasies we keep them hidden, quiet, shut off from the world, and to ourselves. But being in tune and comfortable with our fantasies can be a great avenue to understanding our needs, and desires when it comes to sexuality and then to be able to express our sexual needs in the bedroom to our partner/s.

Why great communication is essential in fantasies

The art of communication is also key, as well as the fact that we do not have to admit to our partners what it is, or the specific details of what we fantasize about. But rather if we understand the root of our fantasies, we are better able to communicate it. I believe that there is a continuum of dominance and submission, that everyone falls on, (not just the people who have embraced this lifestyle). Knowing yourself, where you fall on this continuum and in what situations, becomes key in understanding your demeanor in sexual situations and becomes key getting your needs met.

Rape fantasies

One example, is the rape fantasy. Women would be hard pressed to admit they have a rape fantasy. But, in actuality rape fantasies are not only really common, they have little to do with actual rape. Women with rape fantasies do not want to be raped, but rather they have a fantasy or desire to be able to surrender, to put someone else in charge of their sexual pleasure, in complete trust.

This person is someone they trust who will not hurt them. The rape fantasy signifies surrender. It’s not about power nor is it about control. If more people knew this, then maybe more women would be able to let their partners in on their little secret, without a fear of backlash. Yet, many a men would think less of their prized lady if he knew she had a rape fantasy, and this prevents women from being open about it.

Domination v. Submission

On one end of the continuum is dominance and on the other end is submission. In much the same way there is another continuum of voyeurism at one end and exhibitionism on the other end.

This is possibly a different and maybe slightly less important continuum, but if it comes up in your fantasies, it’s important.

I tell people in sex therapy who want better sex, who want to orgasm, who want to become more aroused, who want to be able to tell their partners how to meet their needs that: You must first know yourself, and be honest.

In much the same way, because of social stigma, many men may feel embarrassed to admit they like to be dominated in their fantasies. When in fact this is also very common.

Men are often expected to be the dominant ones, and being submissive goes against the grain. This is why it is not necessary to disclose specific details. But knowing the fantasy and admitting it to yourself can open up a door towards understanding your drives.

How understanding our sexual fantasies may be important in getting our needs met. Understanding where our fantasies come from is not necessary unless you want to know more about what it is that actually is driving you. Why are some people more dominant and others more submissive? Why do some like to watch, where as others like to perform, or be watched?

Where it likely comes from

I believe it has to do with our upbringing and conditioning in childhood. During our formative years, about ages 5-12 we internalize a lot of messages from our primary caregiver. If our primary caregiver is over protective, for example, we may develop a fetish to be more of the submissive, even humiliated type. Sometimes a specific event during puberty may also condition us towards certain stimuli.

Fantasies should be appreciated 

All in all, it seems to me that our fantasies represent something in us that we either wish to work out and gain mastery over, or something that balances out our lives. Therefore, our fantasies are not to be ashamed of, but rather to be appreciated. Thus, our fantasies help us. Once you recognize this and allow yourself to admit to yourself your true desires, can you then start to slowly let your partner in on how he/she can contribute to making your sex lives more fun and fulfilling.

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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Leather Archives & Museum: Why It's a Must See

There's nothing sexier than the feel of real leather against your skin. Unless you're PETA. And even then--there's at least a quizzical fascination. As for BDSM, who doesn't get giddy at the idea of their partner lovingly pushing their sexual buttons? GetLusty for Couples is simply ecstatic to be based in Chicago, with its rich and interesting past in the leather community. So let's take a look at the museum dedicated to the legacy of leather.

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Curious about kink? The Leather Archives and Museum, located in Rogers Park at 6418 N. Greenview Ave in Chicago, is more than just a room full of tanned hides. It is the continuing efforts by the leather lifestyle community to preserve and exhibit their history and culture for future generations. A virgin visitor might walk through the doors out of mild curiosity about the leather collection. LA&M offers an historical depth for the the visitor and removes it from the realm of the curious, planting it firmly in the realm of the scholarly.

The 10,000 sq ft (930 m2), two-story building houses:

• Eight exhibition galleries; 
• A 1,425 sq ft (132.4 m2) climate controlled archival storage space; 
• A 164 seat auditorium; 
• A 600 sq ft (56 m2) reading library to house the research collections; 
• Various other spaces which serve as working space for staff, volunteers and researchers. 

Collections

They have an extensive collection of historically-significant leathers, including a variety of hats and boots. There is also an ever-growing collection of patches from fetish clubs from around the world.

Despite the name, the collections at LA&M encompass much more than physical leather. The Teri Rose Memorial Library contains over 17,000 books and magazines. Additionally, there are extensive collections of fetish magazines, periodicals (one of their largest collections), as well as visual media such as photographs and film (some of which were previously unpublished, homemade documentaries of people’s lives or events). LA&M is also in the process of documenting the oral history of important people, places, and things in the Leather community.

Exhibits

The exhibit rooms showcase central aspects of alternative cultures as well as some of the important personages. You don't want to miss the stainless-steel, custom-made, male chastity device in The Dungeon Exhibit, or the vast collection of BDSM audio and video collection in The Leather Sins Screening Room.

The Leather Bar exhibit is, as one might imagine, devoted to leather bars, one of the early meeting places for the Leather community. Rather than a simple display, the room is modeled on an actual bar, and features Randy, a mannequin always ready to share a drink. It contains a plethora of memorabilia from famous bars.

There is also a room for the women: A Room of Her Own is an installation for the Women’s Leather History Project. Fakir Musafar (pictured to the left) receives considerable space. Several of his photographs are featured alongside memorabilia from his career.

The Etienne auditorium houses actual seats from the historic Paradise Theatre which opened in 1928, and was demolished in 1956. When one of the original Chicago leather bars closed down, the owners were forced to remove the original artwork from the walls. After finding its new home, Gold Coast owners re-painted their murals on panels, in case they had to move again. They moved locations 4 more times. Now the artwork is proudly displayed in the Etienne auditorium.

The museum accommodates to guest artists with a guest gallery (lovingly named G.A.G); a contemporary fetish gallery. Works by renowned and emerging artists are periodically displayed all year long. In addition to being used for LA&M’s film series, Pantheon of Leather Awards (now staged in Atlanta for 2012), and demonstrations, the 146 seat auditorium is available for a variety of events.

The Leather Archives and Museum is an extensive effort to preserve the cultures of Leather, Fetishism, Sadomasochism, and other alternative sexual practices. It's not just a museum, though, Lusties. The archives host a number of events, advocating for kink in our communities. Throughout the year they have jumble sales, auctions, art exhibitions, film festivals, and parties.

Simply put: the Leather Archives & Museum is a must visit!

The Leather Archives and Museum's hours: Thursday 11AM -7PM. Friday 11AM - 7pm. Saturday 11AM - 5PM. Sunday 11AM - 5PM. Don’t arrive too late; the last admission is 30 minutes before closing.

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The Foot Fetish: What Is It, Anyway?

Feet. Sometimes they're a little... Well, they're gross. But imagine when they're clean, well manicured and getting sucked on? That's a wonderful feeling. We've talked before about the history of the foot fetish. And it could be an erotic addition to your next foreplay session. Foot fetishism is more common that one may think. Many celebrities have admitted to loving feet! C'mon. Who wouldn't want a foot massage every night before bed? GetLusty's Raven Skye reports on how common foot fetish really is. Also, what is this beloved fetish all about, anyway?

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Definition of foot fetish

Foot fetishism, foot partialism, foot worship, or podophilia is a pronounced sexual interest in feet. The clinical term for foot fetish is podophilia. It is defined as an intense sexual interest in feet and can be as extreme as inability to be aroused without seeing or touching feet. Although popular with both sexes, 70% of foot fetishists are men. The kinds of practices that go along with this fetish are toe sucking and licking, massaging, foot jobs, and even foot-intercourse (anally or vaginally).

Most popular fetish

The foot fetish is the most popular sexual fetish. Maybe it helps that women love shoes? If you or your partner have a foot fetish, you are definitely not alone. There are even many well known celebrities with a foot fetish. Some famous feet lovers are Marilyn Manson, Quentin Tarantino, Andy Warhol, Brooke Burke, and Elvis Presley!

'Baywatch'-famed actress and home-made porn star Pamela Anderson calls feet the “sexiest part of a woman’s body,” while Playboy model (and mother) Brooke Burke relates, "Toe sucking is just so good." Other celebrities who endorse foot fetishism are Enrique Iglesias and Ludacris (StudentLife.com). So, you are not alone and you don't need to feel like you're a freak or ashamed for getting aroused by feet.

Exploring your foot fetish 

First, check with your partner (check out our sexual negotiation article for more). Ensure that this is something they might be interested in exploring. It's easy to start having some foot fun with your partner. You can start by making sure your feet are clean. If you're a woman maybe paint those toenails and moisturize your feet with lotion every night before bed. Men should keep their feet looking nice, too.

Some easy starter questions you might ask your partner are: Do you think my feet are pretty? Have you ever thought about licking my toes? Can I use my foot to (insert sex act here)? This will get the dialogue started and you might be surprised by your partner's enthusiasm. If they are into it, just have fun with it. Lick your partner's toes as foreplay, or just for fun. Ask for a foot massage from your partner and add some lotion or baby oil. Maybe you can use the arches of your feet to stroke your man's penis. Do what feels right for you.

Feet are definitely becoming more incorporated into the bedroom these days. They can be very sexy and add a little spice to your sex life. Everyone from your next door neighbor to A-list celebrities are having fun with feet. Give foot love a try, if you've considered it in the past. Along these lines, we'll have a foot fetish 101 article coming up soon on recommendations for trying this enjoyable past time!

Speaking of fetishes, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker' by December 1st. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty.

This a guest post by our resident sex lover Raven Skye. She's a 27 year-old, redheaded, adult model, cam girl, blogger, student and writer with glasses. Raven adores learning about and exploring new fetishes and sexual concepts. She has a BS in Psychology and has been working in the adult industry in many aspects for over 3 years. She loves writing and I cannot wait to share her kinky knowledge with you! Follow her on Twitter @raven69skye.

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The History of Foot Fetishism

It seems that people really love feet. It's considered the most common fetish, not only in fantasy, but also in practice. This creates many questions, such as where did it come from? How long has it been around? A cross-cultural historical study shows that this fetish is nothing new. GetLusty staff writer and history lover Matt Stickles takes a look back into history to explore our love of feet.

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Foot fetish is huge! It's everywhere... and always has been, it seems. The fetish can be traced back as far as the ancient Greeks, and it shows up all over the place from then till now. Its popularity isn't really that difficult to understand.

Most of us love having our feet rubbed and pampered, so if someone wants nothing more than to worship your feet, then hell yeah. Go to town. Studies have shown that foot fetishes are the most commonly pursued fetish throughout the world.

Many celebrities and famous figures have come out of the closet, such as F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thomas Hardy, Jay Leno, and even the great Casanova himself. However, just as any other fetish, it's considered to be taboo and weird. If it's so common, then why do we think it's so abnormal? What ever your opinion, the love for feet is nothing new.

The Greeks

The ancient Greeks had no problem expressing their love of feet. In fact, the basic unit of measurement we still use today, the “foot,” is commonly thought to have come from what they considered to be the length of a Goddess's foot. Goddesses drew powers and strength from their feet, in which their second toe was thought to have provided their male powers. Though feet were a source of power for Goddesses, they were still considered a private part of the female anatomy as Greek art depicts virgin Goddesses with their feet covered.

Now back in these days a woman was free to walk around with her breasts exposed, but if she revealed her foot, it was thought of as a blatant sexual advance.

In the Mediterranean

Around the 1st century, feet were still pretty important to cultures around the Mediterranean, and not just in Greece. Washing someone's feet was a huge sign of respect and admiration. Though it is not nearly as sexy as the Greeks' depiction of Goddesses, many accounts of the life of Jesus Christ reference foot washing. Also, washing the feet of house guests and strangers is still a common practice today in many Mediterranean cultures.

Western Europeans, STDs & feet 

Similar to the Greeks, religion was influential on what a woman's sexy foot was supposed to look like. The attractiveness of a woman's foot was based on the Christian belief that all physical characteristics were to be God-like. The poetry of the time reflects that the ideal female foot was white, narrow with high arches and long straight toes. Toe nails were supposed to be long with large white moons on pink pale nail beds.

Back when crusaders were returning from the Holy Land, an array of STDs came back with them. An increase in the amount of foot fetish material is seen during outbreaks of gonorrhea and syphilis.

More recently, evidence shows that there was an increase in foot fetishism during the AIDS epidemic of the early 1990s. In fact, according to one study of 8 pornographic magazines, pictures of bare feet increased explosively. This is not enough information to draw any real conclusions, but it does hint that when penetration is coupled with fear, people seem to be drawn to their feet to fulfill their sexual desires.

The Far East

No nation past or present can compare to the Chinese in their historical love affair with feet. Beginning with the Sung Dynasty, in the 10th century, young girls had their feet bound in order to preserve their daintiness. The Japanese also had their own cultural practice surrounding feet, in which a child of royalty would be carried up to the age of eight or ten as their feet were believed to be too pure to touch the Earth. According to extensive BBC research, "The bound foot was also a symbol of identity and virtue. A bound foot signified that a woman had achieved womanhood, and served as a mark of her gendered identity. The Neo-Confucian thinker Zhu Xi (1130-1200 AD) promoted foot binding in southern Fujian in an attempt to instill in the natives a sense of propriety and chastity." Chasity, indeed!

Feet have long been of cultural importance, whether it was erotic and sexy, or a sign of respect. Soon, we'll be talking more about getting lusty and we'll have more on exactly what is foot fetishism. For now, stay lusty!

Our newest writer is a history, sex and love... lover, Matt Stickles.

Matt is a recent grad from the University of Kansas with Bachelor's degrees in History and Anthropology. Matt currently lives just outside of Chicago. When Matt is not writing and reading articles on GetLusty for Couples, you can catch him getting drinks with friends, reading science fiction, watching the Jayhawks dominate college basketball, or hanging out with Hannah, his Bernese Mountain dog. Have questions, comments or concerns? E-mail him at matt@getlusty.com.

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3 Ways Too Much Porn Could Be Killing Your Erection

We love porn. But could porn effect men differently than women? What are the implications for watching porn? Could porn have an influence on your sex drive or erection? Have your triggers become so extreme and so far removed from actual real-life sex that you are having trouble actually having sex? We've heard this several times from our readers that porn has had a big impact on their sex life. If it's having a negative impact, could you turn that around?

Erectile dysfunction and loss of desire are often blamed entirely on physical problems, with thanks in large part to propaganda specialists (ie drug companies). Rarely do we investigate psychological causes. Often guys are simply too freaked or stressed to get erect and they have physically nothing wrong. GetLusty for Couples's Jason Estrada proposes a theory that might be so obvious and logical that it eludes consideration. Gents, could you be watching too much porn?

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Guys, we all know what erectile dysfunction (ED) is? We’ve all read the articles and seen the hundreds of advertisements for little blue pills. If you suffer from this affliction, you might have went straight to the Viagra website before seeing a doctor. I’m guessing most men with ED didn’t even consider seeing a therapist. Here’s one more thing I’m betting most of you haven’t considered; too much porn.

#1 Extreme-itization

Erectile dysfunction affects more than just retired old men with silver hair - it affects men of all ages. Even young, healthy twenty-somethings have trouble getting it up these days. Think about what porn is today. It gets hotter, nastier, and more extreme every day.

When you look at an old Playboy, can you honestly say that it still turns you on? Of course it doesn’t. Not when there’s readily available hardcore porn on the Internet. And the stuff on the internet isn’t an elegantly airbrushed model in some tasteful pose kind of porn. The porn we watch today has raised our tolerance for the erotic.

Once your computer turns off, you walk away with these new extreme fetishes floating around in your imagination. Your partner comes home and they’re ready for some sexy fun, but there’s a problem. The idea of normal, real-life sex just isn’t doing it for you. She isn’t that porn star, draped in latex and gagging on a red rubber ball. How can you go back to that old fashion sex after experiencing such extreme stimulus? Doggie style and missionary position don't seem as exciting as they used to. So regular sex doesn’t do it for you anymore. Getting turned on has become harder than ever. Excuse the pun.

#2 Lowers your self-esteem

Lets say you don’t like that fetish porn. Maybe you’re fine with watching one person fucking another. No bondage or fisting for you, but you still can’t get excited for real-life sex. Well, raising one’s tolerance beyond a realistic level isn’t the only negative symptom of porn.

You’re watching completely average porn. We’ll say, one guy – one girl. All they’re doing is fucking. There’s nothing out of the ordinary realm of real-life sex except for one thing. All male porn stars are sex gods! First of all, they can fuck for hours (it seems). Most of us are proud as hell if we make it to 30 minutes. Especially after we enter our 30s and 40s. The second issue is this sex god on our computer screen has this monster of a dick, 12 inches long and 4 inches wide. By now I’m sure we’ve all realized men’s obsession with penis size. For some, our penis size determines our amount of confidence, and has a dramatic effect on our personality. You know that part in movies where the man pulls out a gigantic gun and the woman says something about him over-compensating for his small penis?


Just like in all other mainstream media outlets, porn has perverted our perspective of reality. We can never live up to porn’s standard of “real” manliness.

#3 Fear

Have you ever paid attention to the advertisements on porn websites and magazines? They are filled with ED medication, penis enlargement and “how To fuck a girl" ads. An extremely important fact to remember is that ED pills are developed for older men whose problems stem from aging and blocked blood vessels in the penis. They are not for gents with self-esteem issues, and they definitely not for “sport fucking”. Also important, is that these advertisers are feeding off our fear of impotence. Fear is where impotence starts – fear that you can’t perform like that porn star, fear that your partner won’t scream and holler like the girl in the porn.

How can we survive without porn?

I’m not telling you to stop watching porn, but maybe switch to different genres. Find some porn sites that don’t flood you with unrealistic fantasies. That beautiful woman/man who sleeps next to you every night – that person should be your fantasy. If you can’t experience it with her/him, then don’t experience it with some porn stars on your computer.

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. Connect with him via email at jason@getlusty.com or subscribe via Facebook.

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